Wake up and smell the morning

I can hardly keep my eyes open today I had one of my not going to sleep nights so was up till midnight slept till 3:30 am and was up till 8 am then slept till 9:30 am so I have no idea how I am going to function today but I have to suck it up because I have to work in the co-op office today for 2 hours, think I will be taking some hot tea with me cause it is raining and cold out again, I am so ready for spring being that I have S.A.D. the winter is a very difficult time for me I fight my depression for the months and pray I make it through without to much struggle and I must say this year was the best winter I have had in about 4 years but even so I am biting at the bullet to get out in my garden and play. We have lived in the co-op for 14 years this summer and before living here I never had a garden, I have learned so much still have a long way to go but I am really liking what I have done so far, this year I want to add some color and I am also making a herb garden I can't wait. When we moved into the co-op our neighbor was a huge help for me she would come over and tell me over and over what kind of plant is that and what do I do to help it grow is it a weed or flower lol, this last year she passed away and I can't say how much I miss her and her hubby I think of them often, this will be the first summer without her help and advice or our special visits we had gossiping and telling secrets to each other but my hubby and I are planting a tree in our yard not just for her but for all our gone but not forgotten group, I'm not sure what kind of tree to get I want something that will stay small and not have a lot of scent I would love to plant one of those apple salad tree's that stay short and produce 3 or 4 different kinds of apples in one tree, I think I will try and get one of them at least being a small tree we can do the organic spraying our self and have wonderful fruit.I will see if I can post a couple pictures of my yard before and after,  later I will post the updates on what I will do this year....

The garbage pail is were I put all my weed's and rabbit poop and it cooks all year to be added the next year, there will be some changes done this year but it's coming along I think.....

Need Coffee lol

So I could hardly sleep last night all these things were going through my head man I hate that so today I am having my water coffee as I call it, half a cup of hot water and just enough coffee to turn the water brown lol, I know sounds like a waste of time but it's the only way I can drink it. I am a bit stressed out today because I have a sick cat and as you get to know me you will see that pet's are a big part of my life, anyways my poor old girl is on her last stretch till she will sleep the long sleep at peace but in the mean time my hubby and I are jumping through hoops to make her life more comfortable lol, yesterday I changed our bedroom around and put our bed on the floor so she can still get in bed with us and made her steps to get in with us from 4 steps to one being a cat I am not sure she is even grateful about it hahahahaha  but she is our baby so we do what we can to help her out. We are so not ready for her to go well I don't think anyone gets ready for something like that I know every time one of our pet's dies it's so hard on us both, we always say no more pet's after they are all gone but I can't imagine my life without at least one pet in it. Right now we have 1 cat, fish, 1 love bird ( had 2 but Ruby passed away last week) 2 finches, 3 doves and 3 rabbit's oh and about 29 free flying doves lol that is another story for later lol. I think the best thing ever for my depression is having pet's, just knowing I have to water and feed and clean cages keeps me from spending the bad day's in bed, and the love I get back is worth all the hard work and more. All my life I have had at least one cat or one dog to look after sure helped me out when I was having a horrible day, all my good memories from childhood are about our pet's and of course my terrific family, so ya I think as long as we are able to take care of a pet we will have one.

History

Okay I guess I will tell you a bit of my history, I was born in Portmoody BC and lived there till I was 8 years old, then we moved to Kelowna BC were I lived till I was 18, when I was half way through my 18th year we moved to Vernon BC and I haven't left to this day.  From the age of 3 till I was 8 living in Portmoody I lived with a horrible truth of being abused by the next door neighbor, I believe that is when my anxiety began and the voice in my head came to visit and haunt me to this day. To live with abuse from such a young age is such a terrible horrible nightmare and for me having the person who abuse me be only 2 years older makes this all the more a tragedy because for her to know what she was doing to me someone had to be doing these things to her it's a cycle I refused to carry on and pass on to other children so for me I knew at a very young age I didn't want to have children, when I got older with a lot of therapy and self help courses I did change my mind but unfortunately for me kids were just not something I would be blessed with. I thank goodness that I am blessed with many nieces and nephews and 2 god children, it's not the same as having my own but it does come very close.  I'm not sure just how much I should write about my life I guess I can write what I want to share and if you want to read it it's here, I won't be putting any names other then my own, for now I am going to take a breath and let the memories pass on by and tomorrow I will begin again...