Thoughts

A friend of mine got me thinking about some stuff that makes us both feel angry about, we both live with our own troubles just like others do and we try to put up with ignorance about depression and anxiety etc, and people with there judgement on us but some days it's just so hard, I don't think these people consider the guilt that some feel for not being I quote Normal, I for one don't need to hear I am faking or taking advantage just because you can't see my disability when you look at me, sometimes when someone asks me how are you I want to say, does it matter, I try to put on my happy face all the time because I feel less of a person to say well today I am not good, many people I would imagine after knowing someone for a while you know that you have to put on a happy face when they ask you because you just don't want to see in the their face that they couldn't care less if you are having a bad day, and if I hear one more person tell me to buck up and get over it I think I will explode I mean I always want to say to them hey let me break your leg and then tell you to buck up and just walk. It's terrible to think that it would be better if my depression would show so I would have an excuse for not having a good day. Depression to me is like an elevator, you wake up in the morning and never know what floor the door will open to, so you lay there for a few min just to get yourself ready to face the day and pray ever so hard that the door doesn't open at the basement, it would be great if when you wake up you could push the button to get to the floor you want but that just doesn't happen, oh sure you can sometimes have enough power to push yourself towards a better floor but some days you can't even get off the elevator let alone a new floor. I don't think anyone who has not been in my world could ever understand just how hard I have to work some day's to just make it through, just getting out of bed sometimes is all I can do and if I can shower and get dressed I have to praise myself for accomplishing only just that. People who live with depression, anxiety or panic attacks don't wake up one day and say out loud oh what I would give to have this in my life, so please keep your judgement tucked away at least until I leave the room because as much as you think you are judging me you can be assured that I am judging myself  far worse then you could ever know.

Good Day Today

So today was a good day I went and got cat food, bird food and carrots for the bunny's and stopped in at a friends for a visit came home 4 hour later hahahahaha, as soon as I walked in the door my hubby say's did you get lost lol and then he tells me to go have a shower cause I stink, I mean how rude is that hahahaha I actually did stink only because both my friends smoke and we both don't but I was happy to put up with the smoke so we could sit and visit for awhile because even though they live just a few min away we don't get to see each other much, because of lack of money I don't get to take the car very much to save the gas for my hubby to get to work so this was a treat for me, but you can tell we haven't talked for a while lol I just hope I didn't talk there ears off to bad, but when you don't see each other very often it's like you have to talk and talk and talk. I am very blessed to have such good friends that understand that leaving the house for me is very difficult some times so when they can they come to visit me but on good days it's nice to be able to drive across town and have a good chat just wish we could do it more often. I wish I could have a Kraft day at my house every month so I can visit with my friends more but they all have lives and things to do so it never seems to happen but summer is coming so maybe we can get together for a couple drinks and sit around the fire now that sounds like heaven right now.... 

Update on T.T.

So our cat is feeling a bit better she is walking around more and staying awake longer so happy about that,
T .T. is a very large cat I have never weighed her cause we don't own a scale but let's put it this way I can't carry her for more then a few minutes well I have a picture let me post it,  this is her favorite spot to sleep when she isn't in bed with us. This is a picture after being on diet food lol   so is not working so our income tax is coming and as soon as it get's here we are going to the vet again and see if maybe it is her thyroid or diabetes or ?  she isn't a young cat but we would like to keep her with us as long as we can without her being in pain, we will decide what to do after her visit I hate to say it but if she is going to be in pain and struggling to live then we need to put her needs before ours even though it will hurt so bad if she goes I love her way to much to make her suffer for me.  T.T. is kind of a rescue, the person who had her is a good friend of mine and she just wasn't in the right home so I asked her to bring her over a few Xmas's ago, when she got her she was so heavy she couldn't do the stairs so she stayed upstairs with the birds was okay cause she had 2 big rooms to go in and the hall to watch people come in and out the house. The third day she was here I came upstairs and came into our bedroom and she hissed and screamed at me and went after my feet so I grabbed the mop and shoved her out the door and slammed it shut after her, I am sure the jester didn't phase her but made me feel good hahahahaha, I didn't talk to her the rest of the day then about 8 pm that night I was laying on the couch with my hand hanging over the edge and I felt her rub her head on my hand and licked it and then turned around and slowly walked up the stairs, I guess I was forgiven hahahaha  we have been inseparable ever since. This last week has been very stressing for me with her being sick my hubby and I traded nights to sleep on the floor with her, I know just a bit spoiled lol, that lasted for 3 nights then I decided that was enough of that and just put our box spring and mattress on the floor so now she can use her one step and get on the bed with us, before our bed was up high so she had 5 steps to get on and I was afraid she might fall off and hurt herself  so the bed isn't all that comfortable for us but what can you do, we will put up with it cause we love her.  Every night she calls me and we go to bed and snuggle for about 10 min then she gets down and goes and sleeps on my re bounder, after she leaves I can get up and she doesn't care but if I don't give her the snuggles I don't hear the end of it all night hahahahahaha.