Great day today

OMG I had a good day didn't start off that way, didn't have a good sleep legs dancing all night so I slept in but the rest of my day went good. I got some fantastic news in the mail, my hubby and I get part of our rent paid by a subsidy due to the fact that I haven't been able to work and it is ending September, so I have been so stressed and worried not knowing if we will have a place to live or what but today I got an email from CHF saying the partition for subsidy to continue after your mortgage is paid has been passed, I can't tell you how happy we are to know for the time being we are safe and will have a home to live in past Sept. I spent a few hours in the office today, I know I said I wasn't going to do that anymore but I was bored and I love the work just wish I could get paid for  part of my time. I weeded part of my garden but the bee's won I decided to let them be till tomorrow morning then I am going to try and do some more, it's hard to work cause I am scared of them being allergic and the wasps are so bad this year, tomorrow I am setting up baits for them and I have more nests to spray in the garden shed again, seems like I have to spray every 2 weeks. oooooo spider on the key's dang it lol we have had less this year in the house but wait till fall then the damn wolf spiders come out. A very special friend of mine is going through a tough  time, I want to help her but all I can do is give her an ear and shoulder so to speak because we are so far apart from each other, I hate it when the ones you love are struggling. I have been talking with a few people about my book and I found someone who is going to proof read and edit for 20 bucks, I am looking forward to seeing it published I can't wait, I have started another book another children's book I am hoping to have it also published when it is done, I have also had a few people that want me to publish my poems, I am not sure about that but it's an idea for sure. This is about food lol I tried something new today I had some hummus spread, I don't get it it was okay but not something I would want all the time, maybe I had the wrong kind I will give it a go another time and see what I think, on another note have you tried the chocolate cream cheese OMG it is heavenly only thing is I could eat it all in one sitting if I didn't feel so guilty lol, I wonder if there is a chocolate sushi now that would blow my mind hahahahahaha.

Great morning not so great afternoon

I woke up at 8:30 am and felt great, even though I didn't get all that much sleep I was awake and ready for the day so I got my tea made and sat and played my game for half an hour then I started my day, I was supposed to go  and visit some of our bunny's but I had a bit of the runs when I woke up and wasn't sure it would be a good idea to go in a car for a half hour drive if ya know what I mean lol, so I bowed out for this weekend and instead I started to do dishes and clean up the kitchen till Dean got home from work so I could run and grab the new battery for the ride on mower, I went and picked it up and put it on the mower then I had to try it out to make sure it would work lol, so I went and mowed just a small part of our entrance to the co-op and then parked it, I didn't want to do to much because everything is so dry already here because we haven't had irrigation water this year, side note it is getting fixed on Monday  waaaahhhoooo,  ohhh before I went out and mowed Dean wanted mcronchies for lunch so I grabbed him what he wanted and I just got a junior chicken burger no fries or drink didn't feel like it, when I got home we ate our lunch and then I headed out to the lawn mower, well I was half way back into the house and my tummy did the old flip out and I ran as fast as I could to the bathroom and thank god I made it, I don't even want to think if I was still mowing and it happened I would have shit my pants before getting home hahahahaha, so I spent about an hour back and forth from the toilet to my bed, had a nap and now I am trying to stay awake so I can sleep tonight spending this nice sunny day between the toilet and my bed, OMG I haven't had this happen when eating the chicken bun usually it is okay for me not sure if it was the food or to much sun or maybe I have a tummy flu but I would love to be outside in the shade and reading a book, or even sitting in my computer chair and play a game but NOOOOO  my ass hurts to much to sit down hahahahaha I know to much info. A friend of mine is stopping in to get his mail and maybe change our car tires and I feel bad cause I can't go visit, I would say help him but I mainly just talk while he works lol, left him a note and told hubby he will be coming in to grab his mail, not sure if he is going to do the tires I left it up to him to decide, I could go out between visits to the throne but if I do have a tummy flu I don't want to pass it on to him so I will stay away. I know I have said this before but I really do have the best of friends we do what we can for each other like I cut there hair and he changes my tires, I cut my other friends hair and he fixes my computer, now all I need is to find someone with a horse so I could go for a ride lol. I had a visit with my brother the other day he had some family stuff he wanted to talk about and he came to me, I have to say that I am so proud of the fact he comes to me to vent and talk about stuff and he even sometimes gives me good advise and sometimes I help him with something, family is a huge part of my life we all try to stay close to each other even if we are hours away from each other, it wasn't always like that it kind of started after my mom passed away, I think they all thought I wasn't going to recover from her death so keep an eye on me, I must say I have never even thought about taking my life because of losing mom, it's never even crossed my mind, I have been to that dark black pit a few times in my life but never over mom being gone oh sure I miss her with every part of my being but she is not in pain anymore and I can't help but feel happy for her to be at rest, there are sometimes when my depression is so bad I just don't want to be here anymore and I have come way to close to making that happen but so far I have had just enough strength to hold on for one more day, so many in my family and friends have lost there strength I don't consider myself stronger then them maybe a bit more stubborn maybe not even that for me and this is my own personal feelings I feel that when it is my time to leave this life I will know it's a personal choice no one can make me stay and no one can make me go it's all mine and that kind of gives me a sense of strength and power and to some point control, oh sure I could have an accident and die tomorrow I have no control about that it just happens but when it comes to ending it myself oh yes I have all the control there and I hang on I may hang on till I am old and die of old age that doesn't make me stronger it's just not my time. When I have good days I try and celebrate in some small way that I am enjoying life sometimes that is a chocolate bar, sometimes it's sushi, sometimes it's visiting with friends and even sometimes it's going for a laugh on the ride on mower, that's part of how I get past the bad days I know when it passes I will have a small celebration to look forward to and most of the time it's chocolate hahahahahaha.....

Kind of sad today

I can't go into details about this but I can say that my last co-op meeting was very difficult for me. When we moved into the co-op I was so excited the rent was so low for such a large space at this time we had Chelsie living with us, was much better then having her share our living room in a 1 bedroom small apartment so we were more then happy to move. As the years have gone by I have learned so much about co-op's and how they are run and the rules to follow, I have been a director 2 separate times for a 3 year term and I would do it again if I was needed but at times like last night it's very hard to want to be involved at all. We have 14 units here so 14 different family's all with different mind sets and attitudes and strengths, a few to many hot heads in the same room is not a fun event lol. With all these different people there is bound to be some conflict at times and I am glad that it doesn't happen a lot but when it does I can't seem to stop it from effecting me so much, there can be a lot of drama and politics in a co-op and even though we have been here 14 years now I still get caught of guard when it happens and takes me a few days to recover and I know it's because my emotions are so raw right now but still I hate meetings like this, mostly I hate that these kinds of meetings have control over me, sometimes I wish I could be cold hearted and just not care so much but that is just not me, I am not perfect by no means but I do try to live my life with truth honor and grace but some days I slip and fall into a conversation with bile in my throat and that is what happened last night, I should be angry with myself but if I am honest it felt good to blow off a bit till I woke up this morning now I feel a bit numb and sad and a bit ashamed and not just for myself, I know I am better then this, we all are better then this, our next meeting in 4 weeks I hope we all can be better to each other cause that is what a co-op stands for and I for one didn't move here for the drama I am way to old to be acting like school kids in a playground fighting over who is more important then the other, did that now move on plz and ty. On another note a friend asked me if I could house some doves, I don't think I will take them on I have 3 right now and they are enough to look after, it's hard when people pass on to others that you are a rescuer and I have been for many years but I am getting tired and plus we can't afford the extra cost of food, it makes me sad and I so wish to have them but I have to say no and for me that is a very hard word to speak but our future at the co-op is not a for sure thing so I will say no and hope someone else will love and take them on.