Sleep Tremors

Today is going to be a ruff day I have been having terrible sleep the last few weeks and last night was no different except from about 6am till I woke up around 10:30am I had sleep tremors, it's bad enough when I have them awake but when it starts to happen in my sleep I know things are going to be ruff for a bit. I am still fighting this damn cold and I think I have gotten worse this last two days because now my hubby also is sick with it and we seem to be passing it back and forth and it's not something I enjoy sharing lol. I did something very new to me this last week a friend of mine put gel nails on one hand, we couldn't do both because I had to come home before my body freaked out, I am glad that I have learned the signs now that let me know I am going to have a panic or tremors so it's best if I can just come home but we did or I should say she did manage to do the one hand but they didn't last I lost all the tips of the nails in like two days hahahaha  not her fault at all besides the fact she is just learning how to do them and has never done anyone else nails so I am sure if she wants to try again I would love to have all done but next time I will have to have mine a bit thicker so they don't bend and snap off. I haven't had nails ever till I was about ten my mom would trim mine all the time and then I started to bite them just like my mom used to bite hers so this was a trial time for me and I am glad we only did one hand so I could try it out and well I like it and will for sure have it done again if the opportunity comes again. Today at about 5pm my friend is coming to pick up his car, it's going to be sad for me hahahaha but sure was fun while I had it this last time. I sure would like to get a car like that one it is a Toyota Yaris and omg what fun, I love that you sit higher so I can see more all around me but for a small car it sure has a kick when you put it in gear it just wants to go, I don't drive fast anymore but I do like the kick to get going lol. Well I am going to have some hot tea and clean my office see if I can get these damn tremors to settle down I might even sew today, I just hope I won't have to fight this all day but if I have to I just keep in mind that the mess will be here another day so I don't have to get it all done at once, plus it is trick or treat night so I want to get myself together so I can watch a Stephen King show like I do every Halloween .

Fricken ass

So I have been sick for about a week now and today was our co-op's fall clean up and I couldn't go help and I was feeling bad about that but there is always enough leaves to rake in a few days so that is fine but then there is a knock on my door and one of the guy's who lives here stormed over and wanted to use the ride on to mow the back end of the lot and I said no it was voted on that only I would be using the mower and he flips out on me and well it was the worst time for that to happen not that there is a good time but right now I am so stressed out and my anxiety is on over drive so I took it very bad, he had a point the mower is the co-op's and he thinks all who want to learn how to drive it should be able to and now that I have a had a couple days to calm down I agree to a point, I still feel that it shouldn't be open to all using it because it's not necessary so I compromised and the two of us will share the job so if I am to sick to do the mow he will do it for me, so in the end we figured it out but it has taken me two days to calm down and get over the aggressive way he talked to me, I felt bullied into letting him use it and because I was sick I didn't have the strength to fight him on it, he did apologize to me and I do know that he didn't mean for me to feel bullied it is just in his nature that he approaches every conversation like a challenge, kind of I am man beat my chest and hear me roar lol, so I know that is part of who he is but that doesn't mean I will accept him talking to me like that and I flat our told him to his face that I didn't deserve to be talked to in that manner as tears were flowing from my face, and then I was even madder because I allowed him to get me worked up to cry about it instead of kicking his ass about his behavior. I detest the fact that I can't help but feel weak about myself because I am so afraid  of conflict now, I used to be able to be a complete bitch when I needed to be and now all I do is break down and cry and it sucks, I want to be the person who stands up for myself and be strong enough to not allow anyone treat me in that way or anyone else. Every year I feel myself  becoming less and less of who I am because of this damn anxiety and depression, it's like rolling down a hill in a cart and you want to stop but you have no damn breaks and I have no idea how to fix me so to speak, all I can do is keep pressing on and pray that I don't become so afraid of everything that I lock myself in my house away from the world, I get it why so many people give up I mean how long  can you fight your own body till you just don't want to do it anymore?  I have lost so much of me in the last few years but I am not ready to throw in the towel as of yet, thank god I have the Lanoue stubborn streak built in me very strong cause I am sure that is why I haven't given up I just damn it hate to let it win, so here I am fighting and thank god I do have some victories like in the last week I have drove my friends car to a town about 15 min away from my home and I made it I am still in shock I could do it because I haven't drove out of Vernon for over 4 years but I trust her car and I took all the steps I have to do to make it easier, not eat or drink before I went and so forth, she needed my help and she is always here for me so I just fought every nerve that kept telling me to stay home, I think it also helped that I just told myself if I get scared even if I am half way there I can turn around and come home and I did it but the bugger of it all is next week I may try to go again and I won't be able to it's so maddening as hell but who knows maybe I will be fine I just never know till I get in the car to go...

Eye's are running lava

Man I am  not feeling well, my eyes are burning and running and my head feels like a vise grip has a hold of me, not what I wanted to have this week or ever actually. I am not sure if it is allergy's or if i am getting sick, because of my meds I can't take anything without asking my doc first so guess I will have to go see her again if it doesn't settle down soon. I kind of wonder if it is the hay or straw for the rabbit's but I will give it a few more days then I will change there cage and go without straw for a week and see how that goes but I have an idea it is a cold coming because my throat feels funny and I have a cough , oh well guess I will have to lay around the house for a few days and take a break, that part of it I am happy to do because I have been running my self down the last week helping my friend get packed and ready to leave town, I would do it all again even if I do get sick because she has been here for me so many times when I needed help. Hubby brought food home for me today that was so nice of him I am very glad because I for sure don't want to stand and cook something and in fact I am heading to bed for a nap right after this, even with my glasses on my eyes are hurting from looking on the computer so I guess I will have to take a break from here as much as that pains me to think about lol. The tree's are turning and getting ready to shed there leaves, next weekend is our clean up not sure I will be well enough to go and help will have to see, I am not to worried about it because with all the work I do around the co-op all year I have put in my time by far. I hear my bed calling so will sign off and head to rst land for a bit....