Bloody Hell

Not doing so great today actually pretty bad day, if anyone is reading this and suffers with anxiety and depression well then you know what kind of day I had. I am 52 years old and it doesn't get any easier, I keep thinking it will I keep telling myself that if I just hang on another year but let's face it the facts are I will probably have to deal with this shit my whole life and I am not sure if I am sad, angry, frustrated or scared. Okay without going into all the details of my past life I just think I am pissed right off actually I am in rage right now and you know why, because by no fault of my own something horrible happened to me when I was very young, I was abused by someone and it changed who I was supposed to be it set in motion how my life was going to go down a path, one that I have been fighting to stay alive with for over 49 years and why am I mad as hell, because here I sit a broken person, afraid of life, afraid of my own shadow suffering with depression, anxiety, panic attaches, social phobia, obese and S.A.D. I live with this every day it's with me from the moment I wake till the last moment before sleep and then if I am lucky it will follow me into sleep as well, and I fight I fight to stay just above the breaking point, feeling the gray depth pulling at me,wondering how much longer I can take it and scared for the answer. This is my life not every second oh no in between the dark moments the light comes through just long enough to convince myself that the depth has gone and maybe I will stay in the light for as long as I can, getting my hopes up that maybe I can look for work and be functional, maybe I can go visit a friend hell just step out my door and feel safe I would love that and I strive for those moments and then when reality hits me again all I can do is hope that I have enough stubbornness left in me to fight through the depth to the light again. And then I think, I think about the person who started all this, I think about the fact that they are living there life probably not giving one second of thought about how I am struggling, that because of the kind of person they are they feel they did nothing wrong and I should just get over it but damn it that's when the anger and rage comes, why the hell do they get to live there life free and clear not giving one thought as to what they did, I kept it a secret for most of my life, it's to late to make them pay, that part I a not mad at myself about I did what I could to protect myself I didn't know better, I just crawled up inside myself and thinking if I just don't think about it it will go away,WELL IT WON'T it doesn't work that way instead I go through my life with all this baggage of pain constantly telling myself I did nothing wrong this was not my fault, despite the fact that I do at times feel it was my fault, every action has a reaction and I am totally aware of that, I know I have made some bad choices in my life, I know as an adult I should be able to correct some paths I have taken and I do. At my age now I have come to the decision that there are just some things I will not push myself to do things that make me work myself into a panic I just stopped doing, I am not happy about it in fact I feel like a failure in so many ways, it makes me frustrated, angry and exhausted. trying to explain to someone why I am the way I am I just don't have the energy or care, it's not a priority in my life, you know what is my priority, pushing through staying stubborn, doing something just one thing every day to make myself have some kind of pride in myself, telling myself girl don't even think about the person who started all this, there life is insignificant just go about your day doing the best that you can, that's all you can do is the best that you can, and I try, I do but some days the rage and anger comes and it's all I can think about. One day I hope I will  get past this that's what I keep telling myself.