It's like being on the edge of a cliff

Today I told my husband that I am not doing well, there have been to many dissapointments in the last while that it has broken me down, as per usual my hubby said yes I know I saw it coming. I hate this part of my life I feel so weak as a person even though I know I am not most of the time. I am just so tired even my head is heavy on my shoulders today, I am not sure where I will get the strength to carry on, everything is greay right now my head is so full my thoughts are swirling around faster and faster, all I want to do is go to bed and sleep. I wish I could sleep I can't shut my head off . I need so bad to find something in the next few days that will make me feel better about myself so I can get passed this grey spot. I have been fighting this damn depression on and off for 45 years and I am tired. Tomorrow is my birthday I will be 53 and all I can think about is how useless I feel I am cause i haven't been able to work for years now and now that I won't get paid for mowing I have no income coming in, I didn't make a lot just $300.00 a summer but it was good to be able to help get a few grocery's and have a bit of spending money but that is gone now and if I wasn't so angry about it I would just sit here and cry. I think I am going to have to go back to therapy for a bit, I have to go to my doc tomorrow maybe they can set something up cause I am very scared that I am not going to be able to pull myself up. I am a good person I rspect others and care to the point of exhaustion so why do I have to suffer through this when I am just so damn tired.