Hello World

Are we just a bit manic today hahahahaha I must admit I like being in a better mood and if it wasn't for the anxiety paranoid I would stay here and enjoy it. Yesterday was a complete right off so glad today I at least have been able to function a bit, I even got to go to the dollar store, I know waahhhooo lol. It's afternoon and I am starting to crash feel like I could sleep again but if I do that I won't sleep tonight. I need to eat something but have no idea what I can have that won't make me nauseous after, maybe some tuna, I wish we had salad but we don't even have that in the house, hubby is going to give me some money for food maybe tomorrow, sure hope I feel up to going to get some or we will be eating a lot of peanut butter for the next while lol. I think I will go and play a game for a bit, when I feel down I always cheer up when I play my hidden objects game keeps my mind going. 

Bloody Hell

Not doing so great today actually pretty bad day, if anyone is reading this and suffers with anxiety and depression well then you know what kind of day I had. I am 52 years old and it doesn't get any easier, I keep thinking it will I keep telling myself that if I just hang on another year but let's face it the facts are I will probably have to deal with this shit my whole life and I am not sure if I am sad, angry, frustrated or scared. Okay without going into all the details of my past life I just think I am pissed right off actually I am in rage right now and you know why, because by no fault of my own something horrible happened to me when I was very young, I was abused by someone and it changed who I was supposed to be it set in motion how my life was going to go down a path, one that I have been fighting to stay alive with for over 49 years and why am I mad as hell, because here I sit a broken person, afraid of life, afraid of my own shadow suffering with depression, anxiety, panic attaches, social phobia, obese and S.A.D. I live with this every day it's with me from the moment I wake till the last moment before sleep and then if I am lucky it will follow me into sleep as well, and I fight I fight to stay just above the breaking point, feeling the gray depth pulling at me,wondering how much longer I can take it and scared for the answer. This is my life not every second oh no in between the dark moments the light comes through just long enough to convince myself that the depth has gone and maybe I will stay in the light for as long as I can, getting my hopes up that maybe I can look for work and be functional, maybe I can go visit a friend hell just step out my door and feel safe I would love that and I strive for those moments and then when reality hits me again all I can do is hope that I have enough stubbornness left in me to fight through the depth to the light again. And then I think, I think about the person who started all this, I think about the fact that they are living there life probably not giving one second of thought about how I am struggling, that because of the kind of person they are they feel they did nothing wrong and I should just get over it but damn it that's when the anger and rage comes, why the hell do they get to live there life free and clear not giving one thought as to what they did, I kept it a secret for most of my life, it's to late to make them pay, that part I a not mad at myself about I did what I could to protect myself I didn't know better, I just crawled up inside myself and thinking if I just don't think about it it will go away,WELL IT WON'T it doesn't work that way instead I go through my life with all this baggage of pain constantly telling myself I did nothing wrong this was not my fault, despite the fact that I do at times feel it was my fault, every action has a reaction and I am totally aware of that, I know I have made some bad choices in my life, I know as an adult I should be able to correct some paths I have taken and I do. At my age now I have come to the decision that there are just some things I will not push myself to do things that make me work myself into a panic I just stopped doing, I am not happy about it in fact I feel like a failure in so many ways, it makes me frustrated, angry and exhausted. trying to explain to someone why I am the way I am I just don't have the energy or care, it's not a priority in my life, you know what is my priority, pushing through staying stubborn, doing something just one thing every day to make myself have some kind of pride in myself, telling myself girl don't even think about the person who started all this, there life is insignificant just go about your day doing the best that you can, that's all you can do is the best that you can, and I try, I do but some days the rage and anger comes and it's all I can think about. One day I hope I will  get past this that's what I keep telling myself.  

S.A.D.

Well it has begun lol, my moods are all over the place, one minute I am feeling good then I hit bottom and sit and cry, I am just so tired of this roller coaster. I am totally aware that a lot of what is happening right now is because my pill dose got changed and I am not reacting to it well, doc thought if she upped my night pill I would sleep better and in a way it has helped some, I am still up till 4am but then I crash till noon and that is the nights I do fall asleep, all last night I laid in bed and tossed an turned I just couldn't get to rem sleep till about 7am and I had to be up for 10am so today is going to suck for sure. The worst part is changing my pills has not helped my head to settle in fact I have so many voices in my head right now I can't even hear myself and that is not a good place for me to be, so I have decided on my own that I am going back to the dose I was taking and hope to hell this will settle down before winter kicks in big time. I am ever so grateful for the sun lamp a friend of mine gave me a few years ago, think I will be setting that up soon today. My tremors are back and I am craving chocolate big time so I know my calcium is low. I haven't had the erg to eat except vegetables and fruit, last night I had spinach and perogies not the best of dinners oh and I had some apple with peanut butter later on in the evening just to get some protein in me, I guess for this part I am glad my hubby went back to night shifts cause I don't have to make him supper I can have whatever I want. Today I am having tuna well that is the plan but I have to wait till I am not nauseous, hope it will go away before to long. So ya hubby went back to evenings not by choice that's for sure and I am not happy at all about it but what can I do, he is now working 4pm till midnight, in some ways I like it because it gives me time for myself but in the other hand I hate it because we don't see each other except for me to watch him sleep, so it sucks. The poor guy is having such a hard time because he now has to change when he takes his diabetic pills  and when he eats and he just finally had it figured out for days. My neighbor is having a birthday party he is turning 10, I can't hear a thing hahahahaha they must be outside in the snow having fun, think I will go and watch for a bit always is a great sight to make me smile and today I need that big time........