I'm Broken

Hahahahahaha or as my brother say's I am cursed, he is so funny  not, damn period time again I swear I just had it a week ago but sure explains why I am in such a mood the last few days. Last night I ate 2 donuts and a bag of chips and if I had chocolate I would have ate that also lol, I don't usually have donuts because I find them way to sweet for me and I haven't had chips potato chips in months but yesterday I had to go grab some shavings for cages and stopped at the store and couldn't help myself, can you imagine how I am feeling today hahahahaha I bet you can, I feel like I was dragged behind a car for a few blocks serves me right but damn was good going in lol. I am not sure what the heck is going on with my sleep cause I still have a hard time getting to sleep but I was awake at 7am today and had to get up, sure hope this is going to keep happening so I can spend more time awake in the day then sleeping. Hubby is starting to get used to staying awake longer at night, in a way it is good for me because by the time he comes to bed I am totally asleep and he doesn't wake me coming in the room, but I hate that I get to see him for about half an hour then he is off to work again, but one thing has been a bonus, because I have so much time during the day to myself I have started to sew again, so far I have made 2 short dresses and a pair of leggings, and today I am cutting out a couple more pants and some shorts I want to make to go under the short dresses. I have an idea I want to try out it's a blanket that you make using just your hands but I want to make one out of material scraps, the hard part is going to be cutting them and sewing them together but I think I can do it, I am going to start with a small blanket and see what it turns out like. I also am thinking about making the big clothes wardrobe I just got into a kitchen cupboard instead of a bird cage because I would love to have my microwave and toaster off my counter and I think I can put all my pots and pans, spices and other dishes. I am going to measure and see what I can come up with, I will have to make some shelves for it so it might be a spring job cause I can't get to my table saw right now, put all that away for the winter, and it is a heavy bitch to move from upstairs to down, who knows I may change my mind again I do that a lot through the winter lol. Well it's almost noon so I guess I will get dressed today or at least put some clean pjs on, I was going to go help a friend pack up her place to sell but not sure I can do that today with my damn cramps, I think I will throw a party when my period is done and gone forever now that will be a blessed day for sure....... 

Hello World

Are we just a bit manic today hahahahaha I must admit I like being in a better mood and if it wasn't for the anxiety paranoid I would stay here and enjoy it. Yesterday was a complete right off so glad today I at least have been able to function a bit, I even got to go to the dollar store, I know waahhhooo lol. It's afternoon and I am starting to crash feel like I could sleep again but if I do that I won't sleep tonight. I need to eat something but have no idea what I can have that won't make me nauseous after, maybe some tuna, I wish we had salad but we don't even have that in the house, hubby is going to give me some money for food maybe tomorrow, sure hope I feel up to going to get some or we will be eating a lot of peanut butter for the next while lol. I think I will go and play a game for a bit, when I feel down I always cheer up when I play my hidden objects game keeps my mind going. 

Bloody Hell

Not doing so great today actually pretty bad day, if anyone is reading this and suffers with anxiety and depression well then you know what kind of day I had. I am 52 years old and it doesn't get any easier, I keep thinking it will I keep telling myself that if I just hang on another year but let's face it the facts are I will probably have to deal with this shit my whole life and I am not sure if I am sad, angry, frustrated or scared. Okay without going into all the details of my past life I just think I am pissed right off actually I am in rage right now and you know why, because by no fault of my own something horrible happened to me when I was very young, I was abused by someone and it changed who I was supposed to be it set in motion how my life was going to go down a path, one that I have been fighting to stay alive with for over 49 years and why am I mad as hell, because here I sit a broken person, afraid of life, afraid of my own shadow suffering with depression, anxiety, panic attaches, social phobia, obese and S.A.D. I live with this every day it's with me from the moment I wake till the last moment before sleep and then if I am lucky it will follow me into sleep as well, and I fight I fight to stay just above the breaking point, feeling the gray depth pulling at me,wondering how much longer I can take it and scared for the answer. This is my life not every second oh no in between the dark moments the light comes through just long enough to convince myself that the depth has gone and maybe I will stay in the light for as long as I can, getting my hopes up that maybe I can look for work and be functional, maybe I can go visit a friend hell just step out my door and feel safe I would love that and I strive for those moments and then when reality hits me again all I can do is hope that I have enough stubbornness left in me to fight through the depth to the light again. And then I think, I think about the person who started all this, I think about the fact that they are living there life probably not giving one second of thought about how I am struggling, that because of the kind of person they are they feel they did nothing wrong and I should just get over it but damn it that's when the anger and rage comes, why the hell do they get to live there life free and clear not giving one thought as to what they did, I kept it a secret for most of my life, it's to late to make them pay, that part I a not mad at myself about I did what I could to protect myself I didn't know better, I just crawled up inside myself and thinking if I just don't think about it it will go away,WELL IT WON'T it doesn't work that way instead I go through my life with all this baggage of pain constantly telling myself I did nothing wrong this was not my fault, despite the fact that I do at times feel it was my fault, every action has a reaction and I am totally aware of that, I know I have made some bad choices in my life, I know as an adult I should be able to correct some paths I have taken and I do. At my age now I have come to the decision that there are just some things I will not push myself to do things that make me work myself into a panic I just stopped doing, I am not happy about it in fact I feel like a failure in so many ways, it makes me frustrated, angry and exhausted. trying to explain to someone why I am the way I am I just don't have the energy or care, it's not a priority in my life, you know what is my priority, pushing through staying stubborn, doing something just one thing every day to make myself have some kind of pride in myself, telling myself girl don't even think about the person who started all this, there life is insignificant just go about your day doing the best that you can, that's all you can do is the best that you can, and I try, I do but some days the rage and anger comes and it's all I can think about. One day I hope I will  get past this that's what I keep telling myself.