For Today I Am Strong

I managed to go to the store today and spend some of my birthday money at the dollar store, I had a blast, well after I sat in the car for five minutes deciding if I was going to be able to even go in the store, my anxiety is very high right now so just leaving the house is a challenge but I did it, like some other people who live with anxiety I have some ritual words I say to get me passed the anxiety sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, my biggest thought that I keep right out front is for today all I want to do is enter the door that's it just enter the store and if I need to leave I leave not a big deal, I look at it in this way it got me out of the house for a short period of time yay me. Most of the stores I go to know I struggle it's good and bad that they do cause sometimes you just want to be invincible, but today I entered the store and the girl at the till says to me, hey you look great feel free to stay and shop or leave no pressure hahahahahaha I laughed with her and I managed to stay for almost 20 min and I was having a good time no hurry to leave then a screaming kid came in and I said to myself time to go, paid and left, as I got back into my car I had to sit for a few min to settle not because I was anxious just to relax my arms and body from the tension of anxiety of the unknown, then I drove home parked the car and said congrats girl today was victory celebrate. It's the little wins that make a day just a bit better than the last. For the rest of today I plan on cleaning the house looking after the animals and tonight I as funny as this sounds will be looking forward to climbing into bed with nice clean sheets, not counting on sleep cause that is wishful thinking for me right now, just will bask in the fresh smell and soft comfy bed aaahhhhh, it's the little things hahahahaha. 

It's like being on the edge of a cliff

Today I told my husband that I am not doing well, there have been to many dissapointments in the last while that it has broken me down, as per usual my hubby said yes I know I saw it coming. I hate this part of my life I feel so weak as a person even though I know I am not most of the time. I am just so tired even my head is heavy on my shoulders today, I am not sure where I will get the strength to carry on, everything is greay right now my head is so full my thoughts are swirling around faster and faster, all I want to do is go to bed and sleep. I wish I could sleep I can't shut my head off . I need so bad to find something in the next few days that will make me feel better about myself so I can get passed this grey spot. I have been fighting this damn depression on and off for 45 years and I am tired. Tomorrow is my birthday I will be 53 and all I can think about is how useless I feel I am cause i haven't been able to work for years now and now that I won't get paid for mowing I have no income coming in, I didn't make a lot just $300.00 a summer but it was good to be able to help get a few grocery's and have a bit of spending money but that is gone now and if I wasn't so angry about it I would just sit here and cry. I think I am going to have to go back to therapy for a bit, I have to go to my doc tomorrow maybe they can set something up cause I am very scared that I am not going to be able to pull myself up. I am a good person I rspect others and care to the point of exhaustion so why do I have to suffer through this when I am just so damn tired.