Some Bunny Luv's You: I am so excited

Some Bunny Luv's You: I am so excited: So a few days ago I went to go use the ride on mower and clean up the front lawn, well I got almost done and there was a huge billow of smok...

I am so excited

So a few days ago I went to go use the ride on mower and clean up the front lawn, well I got almost done and there was a huge billow of smoke coming from the motor, scared the heck out of me so I turned it off and raised the blade, sat there wondering how the heck I was going to get back to the barn, after a few min I started the mower and it started so I very slowly drove to the barn and parked. Then the panic started, how the hell was I going to be able to mow 3acres of lawn, I sure as hell wasn't going to do it with the walking mower, so I started to look around for second hand mowers then I started to think about it and I just didn't want to get a second hand one not knowing what kind of trouble the other machine had so I did a search for a new one, I found one at a great price and easy to run, so now I had to convince the co-op to buy it.  did a phone servey asking everyone what they thought and I wasn't holding my breath but I explained that the old mower needs 4 new tires new blades and not sure what happened to the motor and I am still in shock but they voted yes, so I called Fishers Hardware and ordered  my new toy it will be here this Tuesday, I can hardly stand it I am so excited, it's like Xmas again lol.

Everyone is wanting to ride it and I said nope I will be the only one to have the keys they can use the old lawn mower lol. They are going to put the oil in and set it all up for me and delivering it to my house, I am like a kid in a candy store lol.  Not everyone knows it is coming I can't wait to see some of there faces when I go cut the lawn on Tuesday or Wed, I may have to wear head phones so I can ignore what they say lol. So that is my exciting news for this week, I have some more news but that is for another page for now I will just relish in the get my smile on mower hahahahaha....

Bunny fun

Today was hot how can I tell you ask well if you have own more then one rabbit you know that no matter what the temp is they will pile up together, so today I took some frozen water I keep in bottles and lay them in there water bowls for the birds and them and I had to laugh cause I went and looked in on them and all 3 are laying beside each other but surrounding the water bowls hahahahaha so you know it was a hot one. When it is this hot I exchange the bottles at least 2 times a day and also at about 3pm I go out and turn the water on and spray the roof and ground around the barn makes a big difference, I have had a lady in another property beside ours say to me I shouldn't be using the water for that but I said to her okay I will stop if you stop letting your kids run through the sprinkler for an hour during the day, you can guess she walked away in a huff lol, it's not like I am standing there and spraying for 10 min I just give it a fast spray and done, if it was to hot well let's face it the rabbit's don't care really but I worry when it gets to that point I bring them in the house for the day and let them out at night. I think back a few years ago when I had 21 rabbit's living on my porch for the winter lol we enclosed the porch and they had different heights of things to lay on and when I wanted to feed or give water all I had to do is open my living room window, they would even sit up on the ledge and peek in the window was way to funny, my hubby says to me I bet this is what fish feel like when people stare at them in there tank hahahahahaha. I will see if I have a picture brb,

The best thing about them being in my porch is I didn't have to drive anywhere to go clean there space, and the worst thing about having them home is I didn't have to drive somewhere to clean there space hahahahaha no but really it didn't take very long at all because we used a flooring so I could sweep it all up and huck it out the door lol. The best part is my neighbours dog who was a corgi her name was Candy just like my first bunny she would come and play with them, she was so good with them if they started to run and muck about she would place her paw on there head and lightly ruff and they would all settle down and come and lay all around her lol she had better control of them than I did.

I miss her so much she passed away almost 1 years ago in a fire we had here and not a day doesn't go by that I don't think about her because she was a huge part of my life, as soon as I went outside she would be at the gate and she would spend the day with me then when the kids got home from school she would go home, it was perfect I didn't have to pay for her food or upkeep just share in her love, I will never forget her well I will never forget any of my wonderful pets I have had, there are times I forget what there names were but I know what they looked like so I just go look at there pictures and the name comes. I have been helping with the Vernon Rabbit Rescue for a few years now at times it was really difficult work and I would get home have a shower put all my clothes in the washer because I couldn't just clean I had to visit with them all lol then I would have to have a nap after almost 4 hours of clean up but I wouldn't change the time and love I have had, for someone with depression and anxiety and also suffer from SAD the winter is very hard for me but having to make sure I got up and dressed everyday well some days I just put my sweats on over my pj's I mean I was in my own yard at this time lol, but everyday I had to go out to the porch and sweep check toys to make sure nothing got broke change the water and feed it gave me a purpose and I really needed that in my life because I was in a very dark place, so I can't say enough how grateful I am for meeting Maurie and working with her, it's been such a blessing when we first met I had no idea how much we would be in each others life, and even now for the past couple years we haven't had a bunny surrendered or had to trap any but we still get together not as often as I would like but that is because we go through a lot of the same problems but we do what we can do, at times I wish I had a scooter so when I felt like I could go visit I could just hop on a way I go, as embarrassing as I would feel with all my body sitting on a scooter I would endure it just to spend time with her. The book I wrote I should say we wrote because she started the story and I just added to it I guess that means if I make some cash selling it I might have to share hahahahaha but if I have any questions about something I want to put in the book I ask her and she almost always knows the answer, when a new rabbit came to be added to the stock I always let her do the job because I would be all nervous and my anxiety would hit the roof and she would take over and in no time had them all settled in, that's what 20 something years of experience can do. Well I think I will head to bed I am actually feeling tired tonight so hope to have a good sleep....

Some Bunny Luv's You: No Flipping Sleep for Me

Some Bunny Luv's You: No Flipping Sleep for Me: I am so tired it's not even funny my day has just began and I have already walked into a wall and stubbed my toe, I am in hell I tell ya...

No Flipping Sleep for Me

I am so tired it's not even funny my day has just began and I have already walked into a wall and stubbed my toe, I am in hell I tell ya lol, for 3 nights I have not been able to sleep again and last night I was fighting myself,  made myself go to bed at 2am and slept till 4am then I was up again dragging myself around wanting to sleep but couldn't at 8am I got pissed off and went for a hot bath and wouldn't you know it I slept in the tub till 10:30, I still feel yucky and want to sleep but I am going to try and stay up maybe I will be tired tonight. Half of the problem was it was to hot upstairs, Dean hates the fan on from the air but I didn't care I put it on after soaking my head in cold water, I am going to have to get a stand fan that is quiet for my side of the bed or sleep down stairs with the door open again, I lock the screen and leave it open and I sleep much better but we have had mice again in the house so I don't like that part, and just leaving the living room window open isn't enough but I guess I could put a fan in front of the window to blow the air in more, didn't think about that, I also could put our extra air in that window, I just don't like doing that because it heats up my porch so much and all my animal stuff gets sweaty and damp so maybe I will try the fan, I mean duuuhhhh  lol. Today is cloudy and not to bad it's a bit muggy but not to bad I am hoping the rain comes today then I don't have to water the garden lol. I guess I should try and do the dishes I think today I am going to be dragging my ass around and I hate days like that but at 5am I went and cleaned Dean's office game room what a pig sty just terrible no wonder we have mice garbage on the floor pop bottles everywhere, I know he has been working extra hours cause he misses the garbage bin and just leaves it till I get pissed and go clean it up lol must be nice wish I had someone who would do that for me.

I'm The Man lol Woman that is

I am so excited I can hardly stand it, last April we had the ECap program come and inspect our place and we found out that we qualify for there replacement furnace so they are coming within 2 weeks to do the final look and figure out what they are going to use plus in a year and a half they will be bringing me a new fridge because our will be 16 years old all for free. As I was talking to the lady I happened to mention that we were in the process of replacing 6 furnaces in our co-op and that we also have another co-op on the other side of town and they need furnaces also well everyone is going to freak out because they are going to replace all of them for free, plus if anyone has fridges needing to be replaced they will get done, I have called an emergency special meeting for tonight at 6:30 pm to tell everyone and I can hardly sit still I can't wait to see everyone's face, I will be in the good books for ever for this because I saved the co-op an amazing amount of money. I got applications for everyone to sign out and then I will send them to our representative Tina and we will be put on the priority list, so we may have a new furnace before winter this year along with everyone else, I am so glad I didn't listen to everyone and not apply they all said it wasn't worth it and they wouldn't do anything for us well I proved them all wrong and it feel amazing lol. Because we are a co-op we are put in a different bracket so even people who's income is higher will still get the work done because they are putting us all together and will adjust the total, so way cool, such a wonderful program that Hydro and Gas have done we will be sending them a huge thank you and the Ecap program also, such wonderful people to deal with and the inspector is amazing, he was told ahead of time before coming to our house about my anxiety and phobia and he made the visit so comfortable and fun I can't wait to see him again lol, you can tell these people love there job. Well I better get to sorting and putting things away I am getting rid of a bunch of stuff again feels so good to purge what I haven't used......

Some Bunny Luv's You: Wow more good news

Some Bunny Luv's You: Wow more good news: Hi all well at the meeting we had just the other night the co-op decided that we will replace 3 furnaces this year because of the rebate dea...

Wow more good news

Hi all well at the meeting we had just the other night the co-op decided that we will replace 3 furnaces this year because of the rebate deal they have on, in the mean time way back in May I had the ECap program come and inspect our furnace to see if they will replace ours for free and I haven't heard anything back so I thought I should call and ask what they decided, as of right now we have been accepted to have the furnace replaced by them but we have to have one more inspection done the final inspection and then we will find out when they will come and replace it, apparently they wait till there is 10 furnaces needing to be replaced before putting everyone on the schedule that is why I haven't heard from them as of yet but because I phoned and asked about it she checked to see how many they have and they are at seven so far, so she said she is going to call the head office tomorrow and see if she can set it for 7 instead of 10, I hope so that would be great, right now we have the final inspection guy coming within 2 weeks and as long as everything is a go we will have a new furnace for free but if they decide that we are not accepted we still are getting a new furnace just the co-op is paying for it so I am so excited to find out and next year our fridge will be 16 years old and they will call and bring us a brand new fridge for free amazing I know, and some of the people here said they wouldn't do anything for us well to bad for them you snooze you lose lol. Today we went and renewed our car insurance, we got to the shop and I was so happy because my friend Cindy was working there and she got to help us, we had a good chat and I am hoping to go visit her very soon so we can chat longer, Cindy used to live in our co-op and she used to work with my hubby and I at Chevron so we have known each other for a long time but because of my phobia's and depression I don't get to go see her hardly ever and she just lives like 10 min from me. There is a storm coming I think I have had a pressure headache all day, that would be great if it rains a bit more as long as the lightning stays away. I made my first phone call today with my computer, I have to wear a head set with a mic and then I can phone anywhere in Canada and the States at any time free using Skype, it's great worked just fine and this way our phone bill went from 4 bucks a month to 10 a month and it cost 40 a year for Skype will save us a lot and now I can call anytime long distance and not worry about the cost. After we got our insurance done we stopped at the gas station by our house and got some cold drinks, the poor guy working was having such a hard time because there air conditioner died, it was so hot in there I sure hope he doesn't get ill from it, we just went in a got our stuff and left and it was almost to much for me in that short of time, good thing he has lot's of cold drinks around him. Well I think I will go for now I am going to go have a nice cool bath and soak my feet, I usually have a bath every Sunday but I have been missing them because it's been so hot just jump in a cold shower and out but tonight I have the air on and I think I will enjoy the treat I might even put some bubbles lol......

Great News

What a great co-op meeting last night, hubby and I have been so worried about if we will be able to afford to live here after Sept because the mortgage is done and we didn't know if we could afford full rent so it's been very stressful to say the least, I have been waiting to find out about our subsidy how to apply what we need to do and last night I found out that CHF Canada will be keeping our subsidy amount the same as 2016 for our base amount, so what that means is we don't have to apply it will automatically be sent to us and the amount of subsidy that we got this year will be the same amount for next year and ongoing, if by chance someone else then who has subsidy at this moment needs it we just have to inform them and they will adjust our base amount, that is so fricken amazing and a load of stress off my back and not only us but our neighbours also, what a blessing for this to happen for everyone we all just took a huge breath at the meeting and smiled at each other cause really we have the best family here, it would be so devastating for us to have to move. Hubby is off to get some pop hope he brings me a drink surprise will have to wait and see. It's been almost 3 weeks since I have worked in the office, I had to take a break the office is almost done just a few organizing and it will be finished, it's been a long year of sorting and filing bitching and moaning lol but will be worth it in the end I hope. The meeting last night was a bit stressing for me, the person who was chairing the meeting was talking very fast and a bit panicky so by the end of the meeting my nerves were in an uproar, I don't mind a meeting that sales by and getting everything accomplished but when you have some one wanting to go at the speed of light just to get it done and over that is a bit to much for me to take, but it was a good meeting the best we have had in months so that makes up for it for sure.Hubby is back waahhooo I got a G2 my fav lol. Ohhhhhh I also got some other good news fortis gas is having a rebate for furnaces and 3 of us are getting new furnaces very soon. I haven't heard back from the ecap program if they are replacing our furnace or not so I called and left a message hope to hear back tomorrow on that but either way we are getting a new furnace before winter so I am so excited. We as the co-op are also applying for some grant money that has been made available to us and if that goes through we will also be getting new windows doors stucko  roofs and siding for our place, that will be amazing to have all that done I sure hope it happens will save all of us a lot more to have better windows and doors, I can't wait, the only draw back is having the work done I will have to move some things and depending on how much time and noise I may have to move the birds for a day or 2 and the cat oh my forgot about her well we will see what happens we may have to rent a room as long as they have a pool I am all good with that hahahahaha. Well I think I will get some more sewing done so far I have made 2 dresses a top and pants for Dean, I have 2 more pants to cut out for Dean then I am going to make myself some shorts so ta ta for now lol......

Oh Damn I was this close

Well I guess I know today why I was having a everything goes wrong day, can we say yippii period has arrived lol, 52 days late I was so hoping I was done but I couldn't be that lucky lol, I was out in my front yard and bam I felt funny only girls will get this it's a feeling the tummy makes is kind of like a warning warning danger alert hahahahaha and vwalla surprise you missed me didn't you, your thinking I have gone away and left you and then bam in your face I am here hahahahahaha. I was wondering why I was craving sweets all night, normally if it gets to bad I go and get something from the corner gas station but can't even do that cause I have no licence to drive arrrrgggggg lol, oh well guess it's not as bad as heck cause I didn't feel the need to walk there lol. I hear thunder it's not that loud yet but I have a feeling it's going to get real loud, it's been hot and humid all day so I wouldn't be surprised if we have a storm coming. So I worked in the front yard today and cut some dead flowers and mowed the small area of  lawn, watered then put the hose on mist and stood under it man that felt good lol, my neighbour from down the way was laughing at me and said oh to be young and silly again hahahahahahaha she doesn't know this but I am older then her, and I don't think I will ever stop enjoying water I just wish I could go swimming again I would so love to have a pool in my back yard but I don't have the room for one, I am thinking about asking my neighbours if they want to pitch in and get a over the ground pool, we could put it right out back of my yard and just add on the fence, only what if someone else wanted to come swim then I would feel bad if I said no, see the co-op really need to invest in a pool for everyone darn it. Well the storm has arrived so I think I will get off the comp and shut down till it is over, wish me luck hahahahahaha..

Not such a good day

you ever have those kind of days that nothing has gone wrong but you just feel like you have done everything wrong, that's the kind of day I am having, I did clean the barn and fixed up the back porch a bit but that's about it oh I did dishes also big deal right lol, I have been having these kind of days about every 5 days it seems, I just can't shake the feeling of being on the fence and not knowing what side to step off onto, I am wondering if this has more to do with age and the fact that I am 47 days late for my period, I so wish that right now I take after my mother she turned 50 and her period stopped and she had one bad night with hot flashes and that's it lol but I think my body is playing games with me and sooner or later it will show up, but it's weird I had the worse cramps right when I should have started they were so bad I was in tears almost all day for 2 days but no period, I will be over the moon happy if it doesn't come back let me tell you I have suffered long enough with that crap to live 2 life times lol. Dean got me cheese cake real cheese cake you have no idea how many times I have opened the fridge and started to take it out and then put it back because I want to save it for my evening treat, it's killing me I tell ya, he says he is surprised there is any left he has no idea how close it came to being just that hahahaha but no I will share even if it kills me to do so lol. I made a dress yesterday and I am still not happy with what the pattern is so I guess I will have to go have a look at the fabric store, I hate going in there haven't been in that store for many years, hey I forgot walmart might have some patterns I am not sure if they do any more but will have a look there first, I would think there's would be a bit cheaper but you never know. I guess I better go cook our steaks before it gets any later....

Well that didn't work

Well I don't really have an excuse but nails didn't get done, I wasn't having a good day so was not a good day to try and catch everyone so will have to do it in the next few days. So instead I spent the day cutting out a pattern and sewing it then it didn't fit properly man that pisses me off but still it was a dress so I took the bottom half off and I will just make a new top for it and vwalla no one will know lol, it's been a long time since I have sewn anything more then a fast fix so I am having to learn again thank good it is all coming back to me, today I cut out a new pattern and will give this one a go and it better work this time damn it lol. I have a big project I want to do and that is make some couch covers because I have the fake leather and it has split and chipped off the couch so looks terrible but the couch is still like new so I will just cover them, I wish I could just take the cushion seats off and put new covers on them but they are sewn into the couch, might have to ask a friend of mine to help me make a pattern she is very good at that I was never good at that. Ohhh I also found a pair of sweats for my hubby I can cut for a pattern so I am going to make him a few pairs and if they work out well I might even try and make a pair of pants for him, will see how he is for the next few days cause he was an ass yesterday big time so today I am in no mind to do anything for him lol  but that will past we all have moments like that, only good thing about it is he got me a cheese cake to say sorry hahahahaha ass knows just what to make me feel better... Well I think I will go back to sewing I hope to have one dress done today I might even post what I make in a day if it doesn't look to bad that is hahahahaha  wish me luck I may need it lol...

More Bunny Talk

Today is one of the days I hesitate to get started , because today I have to go trim 72 nails, 3 rabbits and one cat oh and possible a few birds if they haven't worn them down yet, it's a big job and getting harder for me to do alone now cause my eye's are not that great but today I am going to take my reading glasses with me and see if that works. I also need to set up my mouse traps again, it's just a bucket with a can that as soon as they step on the can to get the peanut butter they fall in the bucket, I don't put water I just catch and release at an undisclosed area lol far enough away they can't come back. Hubby is gone to get grocery's he is so great I used to go do it but he has taken over and likes going so love him for that. Have to give the cat a half bath today I only bath her back end it helps with her dander and also her trimming her butt lol. Oh the great jobs I have to do lol, after all that is done I have to clean the bathrooms we have 2 and actually I think I will clean the upstairs bath before having a shower then I am one job ahead sounds like a plan to me....

Some Bunny Luv's You: Bunny Talk

Some Bunny Luv's You: Bunny Talk: So update on my book,  it's been awhile since I have wrote anything about my book so thought I would update my info today, I have finish...

Bunny Talk

So update on my book,  it's been awhile since I have wrote anything about my book so thought I would update my info today, I have finished writing my book and it is in the process of being proof read to fix all my grammar mistakes, I have a friend who is going to do that for me for an exceptional low price of 20 dollars, I know crazy eh but that is what she said she wanted so I am all good with that. The next part has been more of a challenge then writing the book and that is I have to find some pictures for the book or do some myself, I have asked my niece if she will do the cover picture but haven't heard back from her yet so will have to wait and see on that part, there are some pictures all over the net that are free to use but I would think if I use them in my book I will have to pay to use them or maybe acknowledge who they are in the book I am not sure as of yet what to do about that. I signed up in google for some book help and asked if there was some free pictures available and I got a few idea's from some people and also got some very rude remarks from some, I was a bit put off for a few days then I went back in and replied that this is my first time ever of writing a book and that is why I asked for some input about pictures and thing because I do not know and want to make sure I am doing things properly and legal, your comments were rude and judgemental and I didn't deserve them at all....  a day later I got a apology letter and was informed that the people who wrote them were suspended hahahahahahaha well serves them right. So today I am searching for picture ideas and I might even give it a go and drawing my own, was thinking I could go look at some children drawings and get an idea of what would work at the library, I haven't been to the library in many years so it might be fun to go check it out. After I get the pictures accomplished then I will need to figure out my page set up, see how many pages I want to have and so forth, this is all new to me and very exciting if not a bit scary as heck but I am so looking forward to publishing it I can hardly wait. Some have asked if I am going to do a hard cover book or soft cover but I have been thinking about doing a kindle book, you can set some up at a very low price if not free and then I can set the price for the book myself, I am not looking to make a load of money but sure would be great if I make enough to publish my other book I wrote, I know already my whole family want a copy lol that right there might make me enough to start hahahaha.  So that's were my book is at this moment I will update with new info as soon as it happens I am hoping to get some great news in the near future, wouldn't that just be wonderful.....

Spices and Spices

I did it I finally got all my spices put in there containers thanks to dollar store and my mom, I got all her spices when she passed away, I have no idea what some of them are for but if I need them I probably have them lol. I was thinking I should write them all down and then google them to find out what you use them all for, sounds like a good spot to start. I got the containers from the dollar store they were 3 for a dollar so was a great deal, plus what I like about them is when you close the lid you can press on the container to see if they pop off and they don't so should keep them fresh till I use them.

There is two rows of them lol I think I am set for awhile only thing I need to get is some pepper, I also found some peppercorn but I need to get a spice grinder so will have to look for that cause I love that on my salads. I started going through all our clothing and I figured I would have a lot to toss but I tossed more of my hubby's than me lol, I need to get him some shirts me on the other hand I have so much thanks to my sister in-law and my niece, they are so wonderful to me this is the first summer I have gone through and thrown out all my torn and ragged clothes cause I have lots of good things to wear for summer and winter, sure makes me feel so much better, I can't afford to buy clothes so I have been living in clothes I have had for about 25 years lol so you can imagine what kind of shape they were in. I have a bin full of fabric to make some clothes and I also have a sewing machine and serger but I just don't feel like doing it but I think I am going to attempt to make my hubby some sweats and shirts, I would like to make him some work pants also but I forget how to do a zipper lol, worked at Far West as an industrial sewer and I have forgotten, I know a friend of mine who would be glad to help me so you know I am going to give it a go. I just right this moment decided isn't that just how moods go on moment you don't want to do something and then a second later you change your mind hahahahaha. I will need to go get a pattern for the pants but the sweats I have an old pair I can cut up and use as a guide, well darn it I am going to pull everything out and get started I am actually excited to begin hahahahaha  I can tell my day is going to be spur of the moment day so I better begin before I change my mind lol.....

A Better Day Today

I had the nicest thing happen last night, a knock at my door I was a bit nervous to answer I expected it to be someone else but it was one of my neighbours that was with me when I had the confrontational talk the other day, they came to make sure I was alright and to apologize for the rude behaviour that happened, they had nothing to do with what happened at all just were in the same room so that was the sweetest thing, I said they had nothing to apologize for at all but that I appreciated them coming and letting me know I wasn't alone. Today I am doing much better I have calmed down , I am still upset about it but it's not on my mind all the time so as they say time does heal, so today I am going to the dollar store to get some treats for my pets and maybe some for us and just enjoy my day, I am still fighting my cramps but I am not going to let them win, took a advil and it's all good for another hour or so lol. Oh I found some miracle nail polish at the dollar store the other day it is supposed to harden and strengthen nails, I figured only a dollar what can it hurt to try well this stuff is great, I have been a nail bitter for many years but I decided to try and grow them and I am so excited to say I haven't bite my nails for a month now lol I know seems silly but it's hard to change a habit any ways I have been putting a layer of polish on every day it says to do this and after a week take it off and start again so I have been doing that and I must say as soon as I put it on my nails I can feel it working it makes my nails feel like they are tightening so I guess it is working, I actually have some fingers with enough nail to see a bit of growth lol and so far I haven't broken any or torn any, I did have to go get a nail file and today I have to get some remover cause I forgot about that part, I haven't had nail or any beauty products in my house for years cause I haven't been able to wear any without having a bad reaction but since I have cut some things out of my diet I am finding I have less problems with scents and creams I can use body washes as long as they are not to strong smelling and I even have been able to wear body lotion with vanilla or coconut and it smells wonderful so when I decided to try and grow my nails all I first got was a clear base coat thinking that would work lol of course it didn't I would be good for about half an hour then they would start to peel off so I tried this other stuff and it is working great, I still haven't gotten any colour polish mostly because I shake so much putting the stuff on I know it would be a mess lol but maybe as time goes on I might give it a go, who knows I might get really crazy and do my face up just to scare my hubby hahahahahaha.

Once again I take the high road

There are times when I think being a bitch is called for but it's not me it's not who I want to be so like so many times in my life I have stood up and been the adult and taken the higher road on a disagreement, don't get me wrong I am hurt and I am pissed off loads but I wrote a poem awhile ago and it is called Foul taste and it kind of says it all, it's about a conversation with someone who has hurt me and the foul words that came out of my mouth in return because I acted on anger and emotion instead of stepping back and thinking first before spitting these foul words out and then regretting it after, yes every once in awhile you let loose and just spat in anger and at the time you may feel powerful and that you were in the right so for about an hour I was walking around well stomping and crying not cause I was weak but I cry when I am very mad and I kept saying they deserved it they deserved all the crappy things I said cause they hurt me, then when I have had some time to reflect on what happened being who I am and what I am about I start to feel sick to my stomach for acting that way and more then a little ashamed at myself. I agree with standing up for yourself and not letting yourself be walked over and respecting yourself enough to know you were treated wrong and there is no excuse in the world for anyone to be treated that way, that I am all for it's just the aftermath that bothers me, the feeling of shame knowing what I should have done is just walk away cooled down and then voice my hurt feelings in a clam and direct but fare way. I don't want to be a person who justifies rudeness just because I was dealt it myself, someone who is confident in themself enough to let the words just pass on by, doesn't mean anything, I am in fact a better person then them because I didn't feel the need to react to the anger and see right away that what they said isn't really directed at me it's just maybe the moment the straw has hit the fan for this person and I just was there to receive the outcast voice of build up, is it right that it happened, no not at all, do I understand how it can happen, yes for I have been there, does it hurt less knowing this, not yet, am I going to take the high road and be the bigger person and talk in a clam voice and explain how when what was said my interpretation of what was said meant this, yes tomorrow though not today because if it is done today I will cry because I am so emotional right now and it's all raw at this point but most of all I am strong enough to know that this person might take my tears as weakness and I am not weak I am hurt, will I forgive, yes probably but I also will not forget, I will be on guard about our conversations and not feel free to just speak about anything and that is the worst part of this whole mess, I have what you would call guarded friendships unfortunately through the years I have more and more, it's sad for me that this friendship will belong to that group but I will take the higher road once again and do my best to be the person I am striving to be for me and no one else.........

so not happy

Everyone who knows me knows that I am and have always been a giving person, I give to others what I can, my time, help a shoulder, it's who I am even though I get kicked in the face for doing it, I have been working my ass off for the co-op that I live at I have put in hours upon hours to sort papers and clean up files and so forth and I didn't ask to get paid I did it because it's something I like to do and being that I am home why not, well tonight I got kicked in the guts from the lady I have been helping, I am so hurt that she accused me of something in front of other members of the co-op after I have been sticking up for her and always going to help her with anything she needs I get that happen to me, I am so mad and upset I had to take an adavan to calm me down. I wish I was the type of person that could just walk away and say to hell with it but I have and always will be sensitive about that kind of thing, it hurts me and will hurt for days because it cuts me right to the core and I hate that so much, mostly because it gives her some power over me and that just sucks the big one but here I sit crying my eyes out and wishing I didn't take this shit handed to me so hard but I do it's just who I am. Times like this I miss my mom so much just because she would swear and cuss about her and make me laugh so I rely on her memories at time like this it's not perfect but it sure helps to calm me down. I think I will curl up and go to bed and shut the world out for a few hours for tomorrow is another day and all I can do right now is pray it will be a better one......

Birthday Dinner

Well okay it is a day late but we had Chinese take out for dinner and was it good, it's both our favourite so we always have it on our birthdays but yesterday I was in to much pain to eat so we waited till today and I am so glad we did. I am feeling much better today, cleaned the barn and even mowed a bit, still have dishes to do but I am taking a break for a bit first so I don't over do it. I am trying to grow my nails I haven't had nails for over 30 years yes I have had the terrible habit of biting them, I blame it on my mom watching her do it for so many years lol, right now I am just putting a base coat on cause that is all I have and almost all my fingers have grown just passed the end of my finger but they are not very strong and I expected that, some tell me to go get gel nails done but I can't afford to do that I have heard of a nail polish that is like the gel so I am looking for that to try, I don't want long nails that's for sure because I am not easy on my hands at all but I do want them to look nicer if only for a few months hahahaha. I ate all my coconut yogurt today, oh well I still have the coffee one and tomorrow if I am feeling up to it I am going shopping for some things but I think I will just get the vanilla that comes in the bag lasts longer for me that way. Wow well I am tired might have to go rest a bit guess I shouldn't have mowed yet but as usual I push myself before I am ready oh well it was nice to be outside and of course the ride was so much fun lol, zoom zoom hahahahaha.....

Well that serves me right lol

Happy Birthday to me lol, so I guess I should have kept my mouth shut because just after I wrote my last blog the cramps from hell started and OMG I am dying lol, yesterday at about 5ish I had to go to bed with my heating pad and try and sleep, slept till 8 then I was up till about 2am then went back to bed with the heating pad and slept some more but was not a very comfortable sleep, and today I am up and dressed had a shower and now I am sitting here waiting for the next batch of pain killers to kick in so I can walk down stairs, I swear I haven't done anything to be punished with this damn stuff lol, oh well has totally took my mind off of how old I am all I can think about is the razors in my gut hahahahaha. I did wake up to loads and I mean loads of birthday wishes on facebook that was such a great wake up, I am very blessed with friends and family who care, I don't get to see most of them because of my terror of travelling but at least I can keep in contact with them all and still be involved in there life weather they like it or not lol. Yesterday just as my pain meds kicked in I ran to the store and got me my yogurt treat for my day, yes I got frozen chocolate greek yogurt and OMG is it good, I also got coconut and cappuccino yogurt so I am set for a few days, I am secretly hoping my hubby brings home dinner today will have to wait and see all I know is I am not cooking today so he can make soup and sandwiches if he doesn't bring chicken home. I threw out the rest of the turkey I cooked the other day and let me tell you there was nothing left lol he had a good feast for a few days, I have one more turkey in the freezer but will save that one for a few months, I did manage to have a couple plates of it but I wish we had got some cranberry's but I was just glad I could eat a bit, I am hoping our next turkey we can get cut in half that way it will be easier to cook and we will get more meals out of it, I would have froze some if there was any left but Dean will not eat it after it has been frozen he doesn't like the taste but I don't care, what I should have done is sneaked some and put it away before he had a chance to eat it all lol oh well next time. So I think I will bug off for a bit feeling like I can make it down stairs want to go check on my brats then I am going to do some shooting on xbox lol,  later gators......

OMG not ready yet

Well tomorrow is a day I just want to sleep past and say it didn't happen lol, tomorrow I turn 50 and as much as I am afraid of that number I also sit here in wonder that I have made it to this age, I didn't plan on being here well I didn't plan on anything really I just did day by day and struggled  to make it through all this crap in my life, with all my health issues and depression anxiety I figured I wouldn't be here to greet this big number but here I am and I have to say it's scary as hell lol, it's just a number your just as old as you feel hahahahaha right well today I feel like I am stepping up to the top of a big hill and all that is left is the walk down the other side and I am not sure if I am ready, I have never put much stock  in birthdays just another day for me but as the time is ticking away I have suddenly become aware of the big number 50, does everyone go through this I wonder, is it right that all I can think about is I still have so much I want to do in my life and I wonder if I will make it to my goals, I know sounds silly but when I take into the fact of how a lot of my family have not lived very far past there 50's because of depression I wonder what is in store for me, don't get me wrong I am not giving up just the unknown is a bit terrifying for me, I'm not sitting here thinking well I give up guess that is it time to melt away, it's just the older I get the harder it is for me to deal with surprises, sometimes I would really like to have a crystal ball so I can see ahead and not be stressed out about what is to come, I am not sure that if I did have one that I would change anything that was to come but just would like a heads up to prepare hahahaha now wouldn't that be great. Everyone keeps asking me what I have planned for my birthday and well besides the fact we have no money to do anything I really don't want to do anything maybe if I forget about it it won't come and I can be 49 for a few more years hahahahaha. I guess if I could have one wish for this day is I would really like my mom to be here to sing me a song and laugh, maybe have a drink and get silly which for me would be about 3 sips of a drink and I would be there lol. I am tired didn't sleep last night had bad dreams and legs were kicking like crazy guess even my body is not ready lol oh well weather I like it or not it's going to come and maybe tomorrow I will feel different who knows, life is like that first you think things are whirling out of control and then bam it passes and then you look back and wonder what the hell was I thinking this is just fine lol, who need a roller coaster all you need is to live in my head for a day it's about all the excitement anyone can handle hahahahahaha.