Were is my damn snow?

Come on it's almost the first and no snow yet, I hate the stuff on road and sidewalks but we need some for the kids to play in, some of my favorite times has been playing in snow, every year I struggle with depression at this time and you would think snow would be the set off to a bad state for me but nope I  am like a little kid as it is coming down, rain and snow is my favorite thing to walk in as long as it isn't to cold I don't like icicles in my nose hahahahahaha. Today I am listening to Xmas songs, I did manage to decorate a bit the last 2 nights didn't do to much because I can't find all my stuff I think my kid took a bunch with her or I may have given a lot away when I was having a bad time who knows all I know is I have squat to use anymore lol. I am thinking after the season is done I will see if anyone has some decorations they don't need, I might even try and make a few see how my moods go, sewing at this time is not always the best idea for me. So hubby calls me to make dinner so off I go it's easy just hamburger mashed potatoes and cram of mushroom soup so I am like thank god because I just spent 2 hours cleaning the kitchen and I am tired, well I guess when I went to stir the pot of hamburger I must have caught the switch with my shirt and turned it up to full so by the time I got back to the kitchen from the bathroom I could smell something and not a good thing hahahahaha good thing I showed up when I did so I could transfer most of the meat to another pot before burning all of it, it turned out good thank god but now I have a mess to clean up again hahaha  it never ends. I went and got a few food things today we only had 40 bucks for 2 weeks of food so going to be a lot of potatoes this week, thank god a friend of mine gave us some meat so we have a bit to get us through, plus I tried my bread maker out and made some bread that is so good, tomorrow I am going to try and make some buns, hubby wants some cinnamon buns so we shall see if he is good enough to earn them or not lol. I can tell it is 7pm cause I can hardly keep my eyes open ohhhh last night about 6:30pm I decided to go for a hot bath I just get in and relax and hubby comes in and says come to bed so I say okay I will try, then he says to me is the water hot? I'm like well ya I just filled the tub he says oh good I want to soak for a bit then get to bed after you have warmed it up hahahaha what an ass  so i go to bed sleep for about 15 min then I am awake again and get up and he heads to bed and says hey get to bed lol sorry hunny I am awake now and will be till probably 2am and yup I was. I am having trouble sleeping in our bed every time I climb in I still wait for our cat to come to bed so I have been sleeping on the couch, its comfortable but I do miss sleeping in a bed going to try tonight again I know I will get passed this it will just take some time but I have to admit I have looked at a few kitten pics lol, I wish I could have a share kitty like I did with my neighbor they fed and had litter for her and she just came and visited with me during the day or any time I was in the back yard, oh well I am still not ready to have another cat, everyone keeps telling me to get a dog and I would love to have a dog but if I can't afford a cat how can we afford a dog, I am considering looking into fostering a dog that way I don't have to pay for food and stuff just give it a loving home till it is adopted but if I get attached like I always do then I am stuck going through loss again so I think I will just keep going with my rabbit's and birds, I get a lot of love from them or at least they tolerate me hahahahahaha. Well I think I will go get ready for bed, tomorrow my plan is to work on my book till noon then maybe make some buns and clean the kitchen floor well that is the plan but things have a way of changing around here as fast as my moods take me....

What the hell I just woke up and noticed it is almost Dec

lmao  I know things have been difficult but I had no idea it was as bad as it has been till today when I looked at the date I almost shit myself, I mean we don't do much for Xmas we have a nice dinner and watch a xmas show and that is about it on the rare time we might share a gift but for the most part we haven't done gifts for the past 7 years just can't afford to we tend to splurge with our income tax and that is fine with me but I must admit I do miss opening something but I would rather have a nice dinner and maybe visit with some friends but this year I seem to be so far behind in time, so tonight I have been rocking out to Xmas music trying like crazy to get into the mood and I think it has helped I do feel a bit better tonight and I scared the hell out of me cause I decided to decorate tomorrow while hubby is at work and surprise him, he will be so happy cause it will show how hard I am trying to keep my moods up, I might even sneak down when he goes to bed and start lol I guess I needed to listen to music, I don't realize how much i have been missing till I turn it on and then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I have had music in my life all growing up I mean my mom was in a band and they practiced at our house so I was always around music so it is a big part of who I am I just forget now and then that part of who I am and man I miss me sometimes. Today I went to the dollar store for some tums and came home with a bunch of stuff hahahahaha well not a lot cause I have to watch my change right now but I got some sauce and noodles, a can of mushrooms small corn and black olives, I also got a can of something they call hearts not sure but I think I have had them before but for a buck I can try them again oh and some popcorn cause I have been craving it so much and after all that they didn't have any tums lol  so I went to the drug store and they had them on sale so was a good time had by me hahahahaha it doesn't take much to boost my moods, and I am so proud of me I put back the chocolate and candy I had in the cart and got 2 ears of corn on the cob instead hahahahaha. I have been making apple crisp but the apples I have just don't work for it they are way to tart so I think I will just compost them and splurge and go get some from the farm and instead I was thinking about the fact that the part I love with apple crisp is the crisp part so I am going to make some drop cookies instead, I am going to just put a bit of apple sauce I got from the dollar store and let me say it's a big jar and is the best I have ever had besides my mom's freshly made. I think I can figure it out will try a small batch and see if it works, not today I have had enough excitement for me today lol. Apple cider that is what I wish I had my neighbor makes the best ever and she put a bit of real cream on top it is to die for and I can't wait for her Xmas tea she will be having soon, she always has it every xmas and if no one say's they will come she just makes it just for me, I have said this before but I really do have terrific neighbors oh sure there are some I can do without but you always have some in a bunch I just choose to ignore them till I have to slap them hahahahaha no but really hahahaha. What I want to know is were is our snow? it better get here soon I sometimes hate it but there is nothing that will cheer me up more then going and watching the kids slide down our hill and crash into my fence hahahahaha, last year I even went for a couple slides not sure I will do that again this year but I might the kids have such a good laugh when I go down the hill makes us all laugh. I cleaned cages today the doves were happy cause they get to have a bath before I clean so they can splash and play, I usually just give them a sand bath in winter but this year I have been letting them bath once a week and they seem to be happier and smell batter hahahaha speaking of smelling, yesterday I had Jimmy out and he was flying around all upstairs like he owns the joint lol and when I sat down he came and had a chat with me and he always wants to snuggle for a few min so I leaned back in the chair and he came over and I laughed so hard when he got close to me I said to him Jimmy you stink wooweee you stink and he sneezed right at the perfect time hahahahaha was so funny I said you need a bath and as soon as I said that he flew back to his cage and called lol so I went and got him a bath and he splashed around for like 15 min he was having such a good time, both him and finches get a bath once a week and in between they splash there drinking water around but I guess I for got on friday so by sat he was ready to bath. Well my music is done I think I am going to go have a bath and drink my tea, tomorrow I have to rig up a notice for me to remember my pills cause I forgot to take them again this morning so I will have the computer tell me so I can get my shit together and take them, and I wonder why my moods are everywhere damn woman get it together hahahahahah...

I don't friggen know ?

Today was a I don't give a shit day, I was up and down more times then I can remember just way manic more then I have ever been but I did manage to sleep almost 2 hours in the tub this morning, what is it with laying in water I fall asleep so easy, I even tried a waterbed at one point but because I am a heavy person it just wasn't working for me and it sure didn't help me sleep so the tub seems to be were I have to go lol. My hubby doesn't like it but I have been doing it for so many years and haven't drown yet plus our tub is made for someone around a hundred pounds so if I want to have a soak I have to almost fill the tub and the safety drain kicks in if i fill to much. Tonight is our big AGM for the co-op that we have once a year and I decided I am not going just an added stress I don't need and nothing ever comes of the meeting it's all gooble goop to me with finances and stuff and they always have it at 6:30pm for once I wish we could do it on a sunday and earlier in the day I mean it's one sunday out of the year then I could probably make it but as it stands right now my pills kick in around 4:30pm and by then it's a waste of my time to try and focus cause it just won't happen so I am staying home besides I give so much to this place I am tired and well down right pissy about a few things so I need to take a break, being head of grounds winter is a good time for me to relax and work on just me so that is what I plan on doing. I know there is going to be at least one person here who is going to be mad that I didn't go and well that persons opinion about my life isn't something I give a damn about lol. I did drive to the gas station and got some drinks today it was so nice out with the sun shinning I spent some time just walking my yard and soaking it in, I am hoping tomorrow is going to be the same now that I can do a few things without hacking up a lung I might get some of my garden fixed up. Cleaned cages sure am happy I have all this straw this winter I can clean the rabbit litter box every 3 days and not having any smell way cheaper then doing shavings well a lot cheaper because my neighbor got 3 big bales for her chickens and then decided that shavings works better for her so she gave me all 3 bales was so nice of her I will have straw for a year to keep them clean. Some how one of my doves managed to get out of the cage this morning I think I found the hole she fell through so will see if she is out tomorrow, Jimmy my love bird sure told me she was out he was not happy about it at all he was like hey what the heck how come she is out and I am not lol. Well I think I am going to go lay down all of a sudden I am very tired and I have decided to sleep when the feeling hits for the next little while to catch up but only for 4 days after that I am going back to no naps and get back on track hope it works cause this girl is so tired it's not even funny anymore....

Better I guess

Things are starting to settle down here a bit, I have been very strong with not getting involved with anything and just working on myself my moods and health. I did manage to get a bit of sleep last night so today is the first day I don't feel like a fog is surrounding me, that has been great, I still have a ways to go but at least I am not a heap of crying mess all day lol. I have been working on our rabbit fund getting pictures and other stuff put together, it really is amazing when I look back and realize just how many rabbit's I have had in the last 6 years, people are calling me the crazy rabbit lady hahahahaha. I think I lost a bunch of pictures that were on an old hard drive sure wish I had them copied to my cloud so all I would have to do is download them again, for sure I am doing that from now on, it's nice that I can have all those pictures saved and not taking space on my computer love that for sure. Hubby brought me a Dr Pepper again only had half the small bottle today I don't like to drink pop all that much because of the sugar and cost I drink a lot of peppermint tea, I just take 3 tea bags of my decaff and put it in a jug of room temp water and that is what I drink all day I love it don't add sugar or anything else, I was given some decaff earls grey tea, I was so excited that is my favorite tea ever but I haven't had any for a long time because I did not know you can get decaff, so now I have one kind one day and the next day I switch lol, only I do put a little bit of raw sugar in the grey tea. I got some vanilla earl grey but it is not decaff and wow I am climbing the walls after having one cup of that stuff, I think the vanilla bothers me also way to jittery from that stuff. I was going to go to the dollar store today but just didn't happen was not a good day today very emotional so save it for another day, I don't need anything just wanted to get out but maybe my body just had other plans cause I for sure knew by noon that I wasn't going anywhere lol,  that's okay not a big deal just keeping everything low key for now but on a good note I have hardly coughed all day and my nose has not been running so maybe I am done with this cold, that would be great. I haven't looked into what the weather people say this winter is going to be like, I have a feeling we are in for a lot of snow actually I am surprised we don't have any as of yet but I am ready I figure the faster it comes the faster it will go away hahahahaha well that's a theory anyways. Well Hubby is snoring his head off so I think I will sneak down stairs and watch a show for an hour then head to bed I have given up trying to go to bed before 11pm just doesn't work plus the pop I am sure is not helping me to get sleepy hahahahaha....... 

Honest I feel like crap

All I can say is I am not enjoying anything right now, I know it's only been a couple days since our cat passed away so I am not surprised that I am having a hard time, I am trying to pick up my mood but I am just so damn tired and sad I just can't. With being sick and not sleeping at all I am lucky if I get 3 hours straight sleep all night but mostly I get an hour here and then an hour in the tub and then our sweetness passes on and man I have hit the bottom so hard, I am trying to be very careful because I have noticed yesterday and today that I have been very manic and if I don't get that under control it will take me to a very dark place so extra vitamins eating lots of garlic and pushing through but I do at times feel I am fighting a losing battle and want to give up, I need to sleep and not from 8am till 3pm like I did the other day I did feel better when I got up but then I couldn't sleep last night again and after 2 hot baths I said to hell with it and took a double dose of my sleeping aids just to shut down for a bit. I have and never will be a morning person well an early morning person I feel best when I wake up at 8am and start my day but that's not happening when I can't fall asleep till 5am arrrrgggggg, it's so frustrating and then I get pissy and work myself up and that helps no one for sure. I miss T.T. so much I haven't been able to sleep in our bed much because she always came and snuggled with me before I fell asleep I wonder if that is part of why I can't shut my head off and fall asleep, she used to calm me and get me so relaxed by the time she left the bed I would be just slipping away but now I lay there and toss and turn and can't stop thinking well let's say it's more like obsessing about stupid things in my head it's enough to drive anyone nuts. So I fight I fight with my head I fight with my body I fight with my hubby just about anything I can fight with right now to keep the anger strong enough to motivate me to do something just anything just to feel not so afraid of my depression taking over but how much can a person take. I have stepped away from Co-op stuff for a couple months I just have such a negative attitude about so much I just don't care and that's not a good place to be in around others so I hide in my house as much as I can, I did have to go get some grocery's yesterday was the fastest trip I have ever had just wanted to go in and grab my stuff and get home away from people, thankfully I didn't run into anyone I knew or at least no one approached me probably my face kind of said to stay the hell away from me, made it home and thought hey I did it but still didn't feel a spark of happy but it will come I know I am just having a ruff patch, the only good thing about having a ruff patch is my house will get some extra care that it needs I managed to vacuum yesterday believe it or not that was a big deal for me, tomorrow is cages to clean it will take me longer then it should but I do look forward to spending some time with my bunny's and letting Jimmy out to fly around and do what he thinks is helping me instead of making things harder hahahahahahaha  so there ya see I can find something to smile at even if it lasts for just a few seconds it's something. T.T. will be our last cat and that makes me sad and happy and unsure that I have made the right choice I guess we will see in time how it goes, I had to clean her dishes and litter box and put things away, if I could train a cat to use the toilet I would maybe consider having another one it's the litter that kills me and I have tried every kind out there they all seem to bother me the same and not only that is the reason part is because of money we just cant afford it, I have help with paying for my bird and rabbit food so that helps a lot and it's not that I don't like having a cat I just feel that because our finances have gone down so much if we can't afford to put some money away for emergency vet visits then I just don't think we should take the chance, now that being said I am not perfect and my moods tend to swing from season to season so who knows all I know is for right now we will not have a cat. So my plan for tonight is I am taking a full sleeping pill my prescribed one not the drug store kind and setting my alarm if I can get about 3 nights in a row of sleep that will make a huge difference so that is the plan but we all know how plans tend to go for me, all I can do is try or I could get hubby to knock me out hahahahaha ya lets try the first plan I think that sounds better to me hahahahaha....

Horrible night

Yesterday was so horrible for us, our cat has had some sores on her belly and I have been treating her and they seemed to be getting better 3 days ago but yesterday morning they spread out all over and so we needed to take her to the vet so friends of mine who T.T. used to live with came and drove her to my friend Anni who is a rescuer and has more knowledge about treatment for her and she will stay with her till tomorrow when she goes to the vets and then I will find out if she will have to be put to sleep or if there is a treatment that will heal her, so as you can imagine I am a mess, didn't sleep at all last night finally had a hot bath at 5am and slept in the tub for an hour and that is it been fighting a headache because of the stress and worry and can't eat so ya today has been difficult to say the least, I miss our baby so much I just want her to come home but I know that she is getting extra care with Anni and will see the vet sooner going with her then if I had to take her because of the cost, thank goodness I have the best friends ever to help me out with all of this because my anxiety and depression is so bad right now I couldn't even go with them to take her and I feel so lost, we have had many animals in our life 5 cats in all but you bond in different ways with each and every one of them but I must say that T.T. has been my life giver to me I have never had a cat so loving and such a wonderful friend, you second guess yourself when something like this happens you do all that you can do for them but still feel like you let them down but I know that I have done all that I can do so it's time to try something else I hope and pray that they can do something to save her but I am not counting on it, it's going to kill me if she has to be put down and we have decided that she is going to be our last cat I just can't handle doing the litter anymore and I am not the kind of person to have an outside cat I just don't believe in doing that it's just not for us so she will be our last and in a way it feels right that she is the last weird maybe but It's how I feel. All my cats have been my loves especially my first cat Skwert I miss her dearly so much every day but T.T. comes in a close second for sure, my life has been so blessed to have had her in it, a miracle would be so wonderful but I also will not wish for her to stay just for me. So I think today is going to be the longest day ever it's a good thing I don't have to go anywhere cause there is no way I could leave the house today I just want to crawl in a hole and hide till I get the news so life right now sucks the big one.....

Some Bunny Luv's You: Our Bunny's Fund page

Some Bunny Luv's You: Our Bunny's Fund page: https://www.youcaring.com/vernonrabbitrescue-691429 Thanks to everyone for all your help, any questions feel free to comment and I will ge...

Our Bunny's Fund page

https://www.youcaring.com/vernonrabbitrescue-691429

Thanks to everyone for all your help, any questions feel free to comment and I will get back to you asap. Thanks again...

How you doing?

I have decided I am done with this cold lol, wouldn't hat be great to just wake up and say okay that's enough done with that moving on now lol, last night was another sleepless night till I decided to go hack up a lung full of flem oh ya what fun that is, my hubby was like holly shit girl were did that come from lol, but it worked I had cleared enough from my throat so I could lay down and fall asleep so all's good till I wake and now my throat feels like razors so what do I do I make a ice coffee I mean come on let's just put all that flem right back were it belongs hahahaha oh well it tastes good so we will go with it. Yesterday I had to go to the dollar store cause hubby ate all my suckers so need a refill lol but as I was leaving I see a couple kids from the co-op looking at this bump in the lawn so I go to see what they are looking at and the smell as I start to walk over just about kills me if it wasn't for a leg and bones I wouldn't have known it was a deer, must have got hit by a car or something but what the hell it had to be laying there for a few days for it to be just bone why didn't anyone take care of it, I hope it was there for a few day or something came and ate it now that could be what happened because I did hear the coyote's howling very close last couple nights so there wouldn't be much left after they got into it poor thing, I didn't hear about an accident but who knows there are people who crash on our road all the time and manage to drive away, one time a truck went over the embankment at our place drove down into the driveway and left half there front end in the yard and drove off not only left part of there car they took a tree out on the way over I have no idea how they could drive after all that.  so I guess I could give an update on my bunny's since it has been a long time to chat about them. I right now have 3 bunny's,  Sam, Ricey and Kirk, they are all doing well Ricey is slowing down a bit this year but still can kick the boy's ass if she needs to, she is still the boss and makes sure they all know it lol. This winter I moved them in the house again, it's not the best set up but with the added expense of heating there enclosure and heating bowls plus heat lamps this is just way better for me and it's not like they are in a small cage I have put 3 large cages together for them so they each can spread out if they want to, that doesn't happen though they are always close together whatever Ricey wants they seem to do, just Kirk gets a bit bitchy at night cause he want's to run and bink lol so I take them out for a bit everyday and let them run in my bedroom for a bit, I am trying to think up a way to make an area for them to run in our storage room, if I can get a small piece of lino I can block off an area for them cause they are litter trained, I think I will work on that this weekend see what I can come up with, I don't want to work on it just yet because I am still not feeling great and for sure don't want to relapse again. Having 3 I have found is perfect for me I wouldn't want to have any more then that because it's a lot of work and I don't have as much energy as I used to, I can remember having 21 here on my back porch one year I have no idea how I managed to clean every day and take care of so many but it was such a great experience for me I learned so much in such a short amount of time, made my share of mistakes also but everyone survived so far lol. My book is slowly coming together this next week I will be getting some pictures ready to give my artist friend an idea of what I want I hope it all works out then I will need to publish and I still am not sure how I will go about doing that but as they say we will cross that bridge when I come to it. Laundry is done so I guess I should fold it and put it away cause I don't have a magic fairy that will come and do it for me darn it, now that might be a good idea for a book on a bunch of magic fairy's that come and do all the housework for you lol, ya I wish hahahahaha....

Wow I am still here lol

it's been a few days I know I have been fighting this cold so much I haven't been able to write or do anything, just making supper for us takes all my energy of the day then I have to lay down and rest for a bit but I must say I am feeling a bit better today, I managed to take the garbage out was a bit worried about the oh about 25 steps to the bin and then 25 back but I made it just had one cough attach that I had to stand and wait for my breath. I am fighting big time with sleep still and I think that is why I am not healing faster then I usually would, even a couple nights I took 2 of my melatonin pills and still the last 2 nights have been horrible tremors and groaning in my sleep so I know I am still fighting a fever at times but tonight I am going to have a hot bath right before bed and put my vic's on my feet and wrap them and climb into bed and damn it I am going to sleep lol. I need to sleep and it's not that I am having naps during the day I haven't been doing that at all I just am so exhausted at 7pm that I just go to bed and then I sleep till 9pm and then I am up till about 3am go to bed and sleep till 10am, so I am getting sleep but not resting because I can't stay asleep long enough to get proper rest, so I adjusted my meds again now I am taking 1 1/2 of my night time pills try that for a week and see how that goes but I think I may have to have my morning pills changed also, I wish I could just stay with my pills and not have to test the dose here and test it there, mostly it is spring and fall that I need to adjust them it's a pain in the ass but I will do it because I have no choice without the meds the voices come back and well a whole lot of hell breaks loose after that lol. When I was young I could get away with my mood swings but everyone knows me now so I don't get away with much anymore lol. I think I have a mouse in the damn house again, I just heard a squeak I hate it when they are upstairs oh well I will set some traps again. Our cat usually scares them to go down stairs but she is still fighting her infection so doesn't move all that well right now but her belly is healing finally, I started soaking her belly with peroxide on a rag every 3 days then I put this ointment I got and it is helping a lot thank god. I didn't think about trying that but I have been fighting a toothache and my friend told me to rinse my mouth with it and it will kill the pain and the infection and man does it work and fast and a bonus it is cleaning my teeth also lol. Here sit and it is just after 5pm but the time change it would be 6pm and I am already fighting sleep, just so frustrating as hell to want to sleep and have to fight to stay awake and then allow yourself to sleep and sleep if I am lucky 3 hours, I am glad wed is in a few days maybe I can go see my doc again, she only works wed and thursdays so kind of hard sometimes to see her but I adore the woman so much and she is the first doctor who understands and wants to help me and who also doesn't blame everything on my size. My diet has not been good also for the last 4 months I haven't had the foods I should be eating but we just can't afford anything right now so I am sure my diverticulitis is working over drive right now and actually I know it is cause I am having trouble again but what can you do not much right now. I am not the only one who struggles and I know that and I try to keep my moods up as much as I can but when I have a set back like my health or moods or a fight with hubby it knocks me on my ass and really I don't know what else to do. Hubby want's me to get a job and help with money and I totally understand what he is saying but I am scared all the time because I don't know if I will ever be able to work, he said something to me just the other day and I realized from what he said that he has no idea what I am going through and I am not sure he ever will because he still hasn't read my book I wrote about my life and I think that would explain a lot to him, but I also don't want to stay like this afraid to do anything plus it doesn't help that my disability doesn't give us any money because they say we make to much, they do pay for my pills and hubby's pills but you know your stuck because you need money am terrified to work might cause a separation because of stress and then the fact that I am sick and tired of saying I am sorry because of who I am, I mean how many times does a person have to say it till they have said it enough, so there you have it around and around I go, I have no idea what will happen and that scares me the most but like so many have said to me, not my hubby but others just throw these words off there lips and tell me to get over it, like because they have said it to me it has been validated and I will from that second on be all better and life will be perfect, ya right, you know I think that is what pisses me off the most and maybe that is a good thing because that means I am not comfortable with living like this the rest of my life, I think the day it doesn't piss me off will be a very dark day because then I will give up but until then I fight and I stress and go through all this emotional crap over and over till I get it right, and I sure wish I would get to that point sooner then later....