Just shoot me today kill me tomorrow lol

lol I have no idea where that saying came from but it sure works for me today lol, I am suffering from what my brother calls The Curse hahahahahaha but who cares right lol at least I am still in good humour today. I spend a bit of time on YouTube and I found the funniest person I won't put her name cause I haven't asked permission but both her and her hubby post videos and I can't get enough of them, they are the type of people that you meet one day but feel you have known each other for a long time, they are so funny and down to earth, she swears and takes no crap from anyone and I love it. Some days I need a pick up of life and I know just were to get it they are adorable, if we lived closer I think we could become great friends but for now I am just happy to listen and watch what there up to from day to day. Worked a few hours in the office today we are getting papers ready for our meeting with the mortgage people, it is ending very soon so will see what they say after the visit. I have been working very hard in the office getting all the papers sorted and filed in order and I am almost done, I have no idea what I am going to do after it is all done lol maybe my house will get some work done that it needs after I take a break that is cause I have earned a break for sure. The weather here is waked I am sure that is why people are having colds cause one day it is warm and then the next it is cold and wet and some days it's both 3 or 4 times in the same day, I never know what to wear anymore but I am not complaining because our hot season is coming very soon and I will be happy to see rain now and then and so will my garden. My garden is huge this year what I mean is my plants are very tall because of all the rain it's crazy I have been trying to weed a few things out but as soon as the bee's come I leave cause I don't want to scare them away, wasps yes I don't want them but the honey bee's they can stay, soon the tree in my back yard will be humming again I am not sure what the name of the tree is but as the blooms come out the bee's swarm the tree to get the nectar and it sounds amazing when you stand under the tree. Well I am going to go take another pain pill and lay down tomorrow will be better the second day is always better so looking forward to that lol.....

I've got the blaaaa's

Hi this is not going to be very uplifting today, as I have said before I suffer with depression and today it has hit me hard, I'm at that point that you just want to sit and cry not for anything just cry, this is not a surprise for me it has been building for the last 4 days. To be honest I am fine with it not sure why but maybe I just need a good cry then I can get on with life again lol. I have a lot of stress building up in the last week as I have wrote about and I guess today it just was to much cause Dean came home from work and asked me what I was doing as I am standing in the kitchen looking in the freezer and I slam the top down and say looking for some fucking food!!!!! he says Hun I think it's a pizza day, thank god cause I am sure whatever I would have made would have gotten burnt cause I can't keep my head straight today. Today for the first time in about 2 months my head voice is back so what do I do I go and get a Dr Pepper ya just what I need to add to the crazy going on inside lol, I have only drank 5 sips and put it away for later if I drink any more I will have a hard time sleeping so I am hoping out of sight out of mind kind of thing. I have tremors and fast thoughts all day and as soon as I woke up I knew I hadn't even gotten out of bed and my mind was off like a rocket, in a way I am glad I ended up on the sad side instead of blasting off into a full panic. One thing I did do today is someone wanted my opinion on an idea for the co-op and I flat out said I was sorry but they will have to come back in a couple days because I have so much going on in my head I can't take on anything more, thankfully they understood and we will visit the idea in a few days again. It's even hard to sit here and write I am trying to think of what to say and in the back ground is my head voice trying to cut in, when I was very young I used to imagine  a cloud flying past from the left to the right side of my head and at first it's no big deal but then it starts to speed up and soon before I even realize it's flying by so fast over and over faster and faster I can't tell what it is any more and I want it to stop but I can't turn my head away so I often would grab my head and yell out stop!!!! sometimes if I couldn't get ahead of it I would almost faint just shut down kind of like a reboot, now that I am older that doesn't happen so much because of the pills I take. I wish there was some way to judge just how much stress you have room for each day, wouldn't that be great the problem is from day to day it changes, one day I am stronger and can deal and then the next day just an ounce of stress and I am at the breaking point, but alas they haven't come up with a secret stress reader so just like so many I just do my best. It looks like a bit of sun is out so I am going to go for a walk put my tunes on and ignore the world for a bit, think I will take it easy and go with bare naked ladies, don't think my usual Ozzy will be good for me today lol....




P.S.  I found a cure lol I went and rode the lawn mower for an hour and had a blast and the sun stayed out so much better now, I also went and walked for 15 min,so my ass is numb from the mower and my legs are sore from walking hahahahaha but I feel a bit better so all is good....

I made it

Well I made it through yesterday ad was it ever a chore lol, I did spend most of the time laying around but early afternoon I went and got a bunch of fruit for us and a few extra things, a hundred bucks sure doesn't go very far I tell ya. I have been craving fruit for awhile so I decided to hell with it I am going to use some of my left over income tax and go buy whatever I want and I did lol, still didn't get as much as I wish I did but I just went to the wholesale cause I didn't feel like driving around and the prices in there are not very good right now should have gone to Walmart oh well I have what I want for the next couple weeks. I also found a can of pineapple juice for cheap so I got that for my pina colada's  can't spell oh well you get the drift lol, I got some ice cube trays from the dollar store that have rubber bottoms so you just push them up from the bottom when they are ready and pop they go, they only had 2 trays so I got both but I am going to keep an eye on them cause I want some more for sure. Today I made enough and gave some to Dean well I shouldn't have he wants more hahahahaha  I figure we can afford to make them cause I got the mix for a buck and the ice free and I paid under 2 bucks for the juice so bonus for sure, I think I am going to go buy 3 more cans and freeze the juice so it will last longer and will make the drink even thicker but have to wait for bigger trays for that. All day today I have been in and out of the house it's been kind of weird weather today sunny and warm then cloudy and cold almost rained and now it is cold again but the sun is trying to come out driving me crazy cause I have changed clothes 3 times lol, oh well I did manage to get my lawn cut and cleaned up a bit of the yard ate some walking onions while I worked lol, they are my favorite I could eat them all the time, this year I planted some garlic chives I can't wait to try them. I am sitting in my back yard on my little notebook what a life eh I worked for this short break but alas I have to go do dishes and make the bed since I washed the sheets so I will close, sure wish I could get some more followers but I guess no one wants to read my crap lol  oh well I didn't start this to become famous I figure as long as it is helping me and I am having fun I will keep writing about my boring life hahahahahaha    ttfn

Not such a great day

Well I wish I could say everything is great but not today, I have been having a hard time sleeping again and last night was horrible, I can't even say what time I finally got to sleep on the couch but this morning I woke up with a headache and stiff neck and my mouth feel like I need to scrap it off lol, you know when you feel like you have a layer of scum man I hate that, so first thing I took a pain killer and things have settled down a bit but I must say that I have the blues today, it's been awhile since I woke up and felt like this, it's one of those days when you know you are going to have to struggle through the day and probably not be happy with how you did but you have to fight and struggle through even though I would like to just curl up in bed and sleep the day away. I know it's going to be a crappy day because my hubby yelled at me from down stairs and says you see what time it is?  I'm like what the hell do I care what time it is piss off hahahahaha, some days I have such a poor attitude right from the second I wake up and for no good reason I know it's just my manic showing so I try to keep my mouth shut for fear of what will come out lol. This may sound silly to some but it's a colder day today looks like rain and a chill is in the air so I rushed to do a small load of laundry just so I could run the dryer hahahaha  I don't know why but the heat from the dryer makes my hands feel less sore, growing up I used to watch my mom do these wax treatments for her hands and every now and then she would let me join her for fun, well now that my hands are starting to curl and be sore on wet days like this I sure could use a wax treatment about now, I used to have a hand wax but I gave it to a friend cause I never used it might have to see if she isn't using it and get it back for days like this. Dean is making pancakes guess he got tired of waiting on me, today is not a day I can eat early just smelling it is making me feel ill but this to will pass. I have been trying very hard to keep stress down, been working in the garden and yard and I even read a book something I haven't done for about a year and for the most part I have done well but a few things have pushed there way into my life. There are a few things happening at our co-op that is very stressful and makes day to day things harder to deal with, when you are a person like me who can't stand anyone not liking me or don't want to hurt any ones feelings life can be difficult to say the least kind of the reason I do keep to myself a lot of the time, as I get older I have a harder time dealing with conflict and it effects me for a longer period of time, when you live in a place with 14 unit's close together of course there will be conflicts from time to time and even some as hard as they are for me to deal with end in a positive note in the end, sometimes just airing out junk is helpful, but when there is as I like to say to many cooks in the kitchen it can be maddening, frustrating and down right pissy to deal with, I never want to say anything to hurt anyone so I tend to keep quiet most of the time but there are times when I feel so passionately about a subject that I just have to speak up and right now I am going through just that kind of thing, there is a person I will not name but this person has sometimes a very strong personality and is in my opinion a bit overbearing at times and we tend to rut heads together from time to time but I found in the past few weeks that I have had to stand up for this person for the work being done for the co-op and being scrutinized by others for the work that has been done and because I felt strongly about my opinion some have said I am this persons advocate even though at times they have spoken some not so nice things about me, so right now I don't feel very grown up at all I feel like I am in pre school again picking which friend I want and which friend I will ignore for the week and at my age this frustrates me so much, I think I am most of the time able to carry myself with dignity and grace and feel pretty good at how I handle myself but in this last few weeks I feel like I am a grade teacher or a therapist trying to guide some adults from a immature place back to adult hood and it's exhausting hahahahahaha, So for today I think I will curl up with a book put on my warm slippers maybe have some hot tea heck I might even put some vics on just for the aroma effect and just hide in my own world for a few hours and be my own therapist for the day, yup that sounds like a terrific day now all I have to do is convince my hubby in to letting me get away with it hahahahaha well I can try nothing wrong with trying and who knows maybe I will get my way this time hahahahaha.

Sun shinning

I love days like this the sun is shinning and there is a small wind and it's not to hot the perfect day for a walk or doing what I did all morning I spent 4 hours cleaning my carport and had fun doing it, I know how crazy is that lol, we have a lot of Chinese elm trees on our property and they just finished a shed of all there little fricken seeds lol so I first vacuumed a bunch up with my wonderful shop vac then I switched to blow and blew the rest out, I know some will come back but for the time being I have a spectacular carport lol. Today I am going to Walmart for some cat food and some fruit and vegs for me and on the way home I am going to go get some ice for my pinacolada  okay can't spell it, got the mix from the dollar store and omg is it good, I don't put alcohol because I can't drink so I just put some with ice and fruit juice and it is wonderful, I haven't looked at how fattening it is I think I will just not peek and say I did and it is fine lol. I want to go to the store now but a friend might be coming to change our tires for me, we are so late this year I have decided I am getting a jack so I can do it myself I have done it myself a few times just wondering if my hands can handle the job any more oh well having a jack is still a good idea. Cleaned the barn also today gave the brats a bath sprayed the floor down and the rabbits made foot prints all over lol oh well at least I got rid of bird poop. This year I haven't had a visit from the deer yet I am expecting them any day there is about 10 of them that come and rest under our trees it's been nice to watch and see how much they have grown since I last seen them. I am going today to see if I can buy some hay for the brats there is a cow farmer accross the road from us he usually will give me a bunch for free and it will do in a pinch but I would rather get timothy for them, that reminds me I better go and search for some before I forget, I will go and enjoy this wonderful day....

Great day today

OMG I had a good day didn't start off that way, didn't have a good sleep legs dancing all night so I slept in but the rest of my day went good. I got some fantastic news in the mail, my hubby and I get part of our rent paid by a subsidy due to the fact that I haven't been able to work and it is ending September, so I have been so stressed and worried not knowing if we will have a place to live or what but today I got an email from CHF saying the partition for subsidy to continue after your mortgage is paid has been passed, I can't tell you how happy we are to know for the time being we are safe and will have a home to live in past Sept. I spent a few hours in the office today, I know I said I wasn't going to do that anymore but I was bored and I love the work just wish I could get paid for  part of my time. I weeded part of my garden but the bee's won I decided to let them be till tomorrow morning then I am going to try and do some more, it's hard to work cause I am scared of them being allergic and the wasps are so bad this year, tomorrow I am setting up baits for them and I have more nests to spray in the garden shed again, seems like I have to spray every 2 weeks. oooooo spider on the key's dang it lol we have had less this year in the house but wait till fall then the damn wolf spiders come out. A very special friend of mine is going through a tough  time, I want to help her but all I can do is give her an ear and shoulder so to speak because we are so far apart from each other, I hate it when the ones you love are struggling. I have been talking with a few people about my book and I found someone who is going to proof read and edit for 20 bucks, I am looking forward to seeing it published I can't wait, I have started another book another children's book I am hoping to have it also published when it is done, I have also had a few people that want me to publish my poems, I am not sure about that but it's an idea for sure. This is about food lol I tried something new today I had some hummus spread, I don't get it it was okay but not something I would want all the time, maybe I had the wrong kind I will give it a go another time and see what I think, on another note have you tried the chocolate cream cheese OMG it is heavenly only thing is I could eat it all in one sitting if I didn't feel so guilty lol, I wonder if there is a chocolate sushi now that would blow my mind hahahahahaha.

Great morning not so great afternoon

I woke up at 8:30 am and felt great, even though I didn't get all that much sleep I was awake and ready for the day so I got my tea made and sat and played my game for half an hour then I started my day, I was supposed to go  and visit some of our bunny's but I had a bit of the runs when I woke up and wasn't sure it would be a good idea to go in a car for a half hour drive if ya know what I mean lol, so I bowed out for this weekend and instead I started to do dishes and clean up the kitchen till Dean got home from work so I could run and grab the new battery for the ride on mower, I went and picked it up and put it on the mower then I had to try it out to make sure it would work lol, so I went and mowed just a small part of our entrance to the co-op and then parked it, I didn't want to do to much because everything is so dry already here because we haven't had irrigation water this year, side note it is getting fixed on Monday  waaaahhhoooo,  ohhh before I went out and mowed Dean wanted mcronchies for lunch so I grabbed him what he wanted and I just got a junior chicken burger no fries or drink didn't feel like it, when I got home we ate our lunch and then I headed out to the lawn mower, well I was half way back into the house and my tummy did the old flip out and I ran as fast as I could to the bathroom and thank god I made it, I don't even want to think if I was still mowing and it happened I would have shit my pants before getting home hahahahaha, so I spent about an hour back and forth from the toilet to my bed, had a nap and now I am trying to stay awake so I can sleep tonight spending this nice sunny day between the toilet and my bed, OMG I haven't had this happen when eating the chicken bun usually it is okay for me not sure if it was the food or to much sun or maybe I have a tummy flu but I would love to be outside in the shade and reading a book, or even sitting in my computer chair and play a game but NOOOOO  my ass hurts to much to sit down hahahahaha I know to much info. A friend of mine is stopping in to get his mail and maybe change our car tires and I feel bad cause I can't go visit, I would say help him but I mainly just talk while he works lol, left him a note and told hubby he will be coming in to grab his mail, not sure if he is going to do the tires I left it up to him to decide, I could go out between visits to the throne but if I do have a tummy flu I don't want to pass it on to him so I will stay away. I know I have said this before but I really do have the best of friends we do what we can for each other like I cut there hair and he changes my tires, I cut my other friends hair and he fixes my computer, now all I need is to find someone with a horse so I could go for a ride lol. I had a visit with my brother the other day he had some family stuff he wanted to talk about and he came to me, I have to say that I am so proud of the fact he comes to me to vent and talk about stuff and he even sometimes gives me good advise and sometimes I help him with something, family is a huge part of my life we all try to stay close to each other even if we are hours away from each other, it wasn't always like that it kind of started after my mom passed away, I think they all thought I wasn't going to recover from her death so keep an eye on me, I must say I have never even thought about taking my life because of losing mom, it's never even crossed my mind, I have been to that dark black pit a few times in my life but never over mom being gone oh sure I miss her with every part of my being but she is not in pain anymore and I can't help but feel happy for her to be at rest, there are sometimes when my depression is so bad I just don't want to be here anymore and I have come way to close to making that happen but so far I have had just enough strength to hold on for one more day, so many in my family and friends have lost there strength I don't consider myself stronger then them maybe a bit more stubborn maybe not even that for me and this is my own personal feelings I feel that when it is my time to leave this life I will know it's a personal choice no one can make me stay and no one can make me go it's all mine and that kind of gives me a sense of strength and power and to some point control, oh sure I could have an accident and die tomorrow I have no control about that it just happens but when it comes to ending it myself oh yes I have all the control there and I hang on I may hang on till I am old and die of old age that doesn't make me stronger it's just not my time. When I have good days I try and celebrate in some small way that I am enjoying life sometimes that is a chocolate bar, sometimes it's sushi, sometimes it's visiting with friends and even sometimes it's going for a laugh on the ride on mower, that's part of how I get past the bad days I know when it passes I will have a small celebration to look forward to and most of the time it's chocolate hahahahahaha.....

Kind of sad today

I can't go into details about this but I can say that my last co-op meeting was very difficult for me. When we moved into the co-op I was so excited the rent was so low for such a large space at this time we had Chelsie living with us, was much better then having her share our living room in a 1 bedroom small apartment so we were more then happy to move. As the years have gone by I have learned so much about co-op's and how they are run and the rules to follow, I have been a director 2 separate times for a 3 year term and I would do it again if I was needed but at times like last night it's very hard to want to be involved at all. We have 14 units here so 14 different family's all with different mind sets and attitudes and strengths, a few to many hot heads in the same room is not a fun event lol. With all these different people there is bound to be some conflict at times and I am glad that it doesn't happen a lot but when it does I can't seem to stop it from effecting me so much, there can be a lot of drama and politics in a co-op and even though we have been here 14 years now I still get caught of guard when it happens and takes me a few days to recover and I know it's because my emotions are so raw right now but still I hate meetings like this, mostly I hate that these kinds of meetings have control over me, sometimes I wish I could be cold hearted and just not care so much but that is just not me, I am not perfect by no means but I do try to live my life with truth honor and grace but some days I slip and fall into a conversation with bile in my throat and that is what happened last night, I should be angry with myself but if I am honest it felt good to blow off a bit till I woke up this morning now I feel a bit numb and sad and a bit ashamed and not just for myself, I know I am better then this, we all are better then this, our next meeting in 4 weeks I hope we all can be better to each other cause that is what a co-op stands for and I for one didn't move here for the drama I am way to old to be acting like school kids in a playground fighting over who is more important then the other, did that now move on plz and ty. On another note a friend asked me if I could house some doves, I don't think I will take them on I have 3 right now and they are enough to look after, it's hard when people pass on to others that you are a rescuer and I have been for many years but I am getting tired and plus we can't afford the extra cost of food, it makes me sad and I so wish to have them but I have to say no and for me that is a very hard word to speak but our future at the co-op is not a for sure thing so I will say no and hope someone else will love and take them on.