Early Christmas Present

Okay I have a retraction to write, after our last cat T.T. passed away from cancer I said that we would never have a cat again, for more then one reason, expense, vet bills, and litter box. Well guess what we got for Xmas

Her name is Cali, she is a Mexican cat lol well to say she came from Mexico, you see a friend of mine who comes home for summer and spends her winters at Mexico came home with her on her last trip and she asked if we would like to keep her because she didn't want to make her travel back if she didn't have to and of course after meeting her and having her come for a day visit to see how she does here we decided to add her to our family. M was a bit worried about her bonding with my hubby, I think it went well considering she slept with him on the floor for a nap the next day, she follows him around as well as me and talks and talks and talks lol. I have to say I am very happy to have her with us, I forgot what it is like to have a cat around, I have to learn all this stuff again like how to walk so I don't step on her, hid my treats so she can't chew on the bags, find a place for the litter so it is not in the hallway, there is nothing worse then getting out of a shower and walking across a littered floor, yuck, but most of all I forgot what it is like to have a kitten, she is only a year and her play time is at 3am, hubby sleeps through her stomping around and chasing her toys I have no idea how. Oh and of course there is the fact that she can get to places that I didn't think she would, like the top of my office wall, there is about a two feet gap from wall to ceiling and she managed to jump up there, her favorite spot is above the closet  lol  I don't mind keeps her busy and off my key board. I haven't let her meet the birds or the rabbit's as of yet, think we will put that off for as long as I can, so far she sits outside the door and just listens but I think she will be very excited to see the birds. She is an indoor cat but next summer I think I will let her in the back yard if I am there to watch. As for the rest of what is going on here, I am struggling with my anxiety but seem to have more good days then bad so very happy about that. We still don't have any snow it tried but didn't last, was hoping to have a white Xmas, sure hope it snows soon or we will not have any water for our gardens next summer plus we need it to get cold to kill off the bugs, I have put it out to the universe and mother nature to get off there butt's so we will see, even if it just stays for a couple weeks that would be great, will keep my fingers crossed.....

Cleaning Day

Just got everyone cleaned up and fresh, love cleaning days smells so good in the pet room. Rabbit's got new paper and chips fresh water of course, do this everyday but I clean there bowl every 3 days, got some carrot tops and fresh seeds for a treat, Doves got clean paper, water and more food, and the rest got clean paper and fresh water, now I get to sit for half an hour for my treat hahahahaha. I have a perfect system going after I put everything in a garbage bag I open the window and toss it down to land in the garbage bin I have set up right under the window, do this for 3 days then I roll it out and dump it in the dumpster, so much easier then putting it in a bin and carrying it to the dumpster, although once we get a lot of snow I will have to move the bin to the carport to roll over but for now it works great, and my neighbor likes the idea so much she does the same when cleaning her upstairs instead of walking the bag down the stairs lol. I am having a good day so far today, got showered and cleaned up before cleaning cause I knew I was going to need to sit for a bit after all that, I actually got to sleep last night from midnight till 10am today so feeling not to bad so far. I have a bit of tremors but not bad thank god, so today I am going to attempt to make some buns well that is the plan, I will be using my bread machine and then shaping and letting them rise in the oven and hopefully they turn out. I have made 4 loaves of bread in the last couple weeks and only two turned out, after my third try I asked my fiend what the heck I was doing wrong, the bread tasted great but the top sunk in and it falls apart when cutting what a mess, so she gave me some advise and I tried another one yesterday and tada turned out perfect, and after I was thinking about it and had a duhhh moment, you see I was following the recipe and it called for five cups of flour, well if I put that much in it over flows big time so I only put four cups and forgot to lessen the water and butter so was super moist and fell apart hahahaha, if my head was on straight right now I would have figured it out but sure glad my friend was happy to help me out, no longer wasting my time. I made a chocolate mug cake last night for a treat, now if I could just get that figured out it always comes out to dry for what I like oh well on a good note I don't make them very much because of that lol. My new meal I have been having in the last 3 days I have been so happy with it, I got one of those hams in a can, now I usually hate them but my hubby likes them so I got one, well I take some ham and fry it up a bit break it all up into chunks add two eggs I have wiped up and make an omelet with a little pepper and a slice of cheese and omg it is so good, I need to go to the dollar store and buy a couple more cans and get more eggs but I am not able to drive right now so will have to wait for a couple days, maybe after I can get a bit more sleep I will be able to go out in the world again, would be nice. A couple of my friends came for hair cuts yesterday, was so good to sit and chat with someone for a bit, I miss my friends, before I used to go to there house to cut there hair so all through the winter I never see any of them, but now they come to me during the winter and I am so glad cause even though my social phobia is high in winter I do much better in my own home, funny cause they said to me why didn't we do this a long time ago so we can still visit in the winter hahahahaha, it makes a huge difference to me to have visit's now and then, it's fine to have my hubby to talk to but it's good to have others to chat at and talk about other things then food and bills. Hubby is home for the next couple days that will be nice to see him with him working nights now I don't see him unless I want to watch him sleep and snore like a train lol it's a laugh for a few minutes but after that it gets old hahahahaha. Well it's 2pm so I think I will go and start my buns, hope everyone is having a great day and let's hope tomorrow is just as great....

Boom Shakalaka Boom Shakalaka

Would someone please take this out of my head lol, for the past I bet 10 minutes I have been saying it over and over, I think I had just a little to much diet Pepsi today, you think?  Today I woke up around 9:30am because the guy's were coming over to adjust our front door so it doesn't screech at me when you open the door, they were supposed to be here at 11 am but showed up at 10 so it's a good thing I got up when I did, took them all of 3 min and it was done, I could have done it myself but if I did that the warranty will be gone so I let the guy's handle it. I managed to go visit a friend for a couple hours so I would say that today has been pretty good, I have had a few moments of tremors and panic but not to bad so I am very thankful for that. Tomorrow I am going out for a bit just down the road from our place so should be okay to go but will see in the morning cause with my mood swings right now I can't plan on anything. Hubby is home for 3 days after working 6 days so he is happy, at least I will see him for a bit in between his Xbox games hahahaha, yes he is addicted but it doesn't bother me to much cause at least he is home with me if I need him. It's such a dull life we live, I wish we could go see a movie now and then or go out to dinner but it's better for me to just set up a movie and watch it at home, no use paying to see a movie and have my anxiety kick in and have to leave, this way if I have to go lay down we just pause the show and get back to it or he just sits and watches it through. Besides the fact we can't afford to go out to eat now with my hubby having diabetes and me with food anxiety it just isn't worth the hassle, who wants to sit down to a nice meal and have to get up and drive as fast as you can home so you don't crap your pants hahahaha I know funny but reality for me. I will say that I do miss going out for a nice Cesar salad with corn meal bun, some day I should just go and pick it up and bring it home or make it myself, we do always have salad or we try to have it in the house all the time because we both love it but not sure if it is just my taste buds or what but I don't like the dressing that we usually get, I find it way to tart. My bed is calling me I swear it is, I have been trying to stay awake till at least 9pm but not sure I will make it, I seem to be sleeping a bit better the last couple days so maybe my meds have leveled out for me, I should have just kept the dose at what it was but my doc wanted me to try so I did try for a week well almost 2 weeks and it just wasn't working for me, I have enough struggle through the winter as it is then to be sitting crying all day about nothing, I could be in the middle of doing the dishes and wham crying starts, nose starts to run just a hot mess, so I went back to my original dose and feel much better, still have the tremors and anxiety through the day but I can handle that better then sobbing all the time. I have put my mood light up and have been using it as I sit on the computer and I think that has also made a difference. Well I think I will have some sleepy time tea and get ready to sleep tomorrow I have set my clock to ring at 9am so will see how it goes but I have to train my sleep again so I am not sleeping through my day so much, fingers crossed I think I can I think I can  oh great a new one in my head this may be a long night hahahahaha....

I'm Broken

Hahahahahaha or as my brother say's I am cursed, he is so funny  not, damn period time again I swear I just had it a week ago but sure explains why I am in such a mood the last few days. Last night I ate 2 donuts and a bag of chips and if I had chocolate I would have ate that also lol, I don't usually have donuts because I find them way to sweet for me and I haven't had chips potato chips in months but yesterday I had to go grab some shavings for cages and stopped at the store and couldn't help myself, can you imagine how I am feeling today hahahahaha I bet you can, I feel like I was dragged behind a car for a few blocks serves me right but damn was good going in lol. I am not sure what the heck is going on with my sleep cause I still have a hard time getting to sleep but I was awake at 7am today and had to get up, sure hope this is going to keep happening so I can spend more time awake in the day then sleeping. Hubby is starting to get used to staying awake longer at night, in a way it is good for me because by the time he comes to bed I am totally asleep and he doesn't wake me coming in the room, but I hate that I get to see him for about half an hour then he is off to work again, but one thing has been a bonus, because I have so much time during the day to myself I have started to sew again, so far I have made 2 short dresses and a pair of leggings, and today I am cutting out a couple more pants and some shorts I want to make to go under the short dresses. I have an idea I want to try out it's a blanket that you make using just your hands but I want to make one out of material scraps, the hard part is going to be cutting them and sewing them together but I think I can do it, I am going to start with a small blanket and see what it turns out like. I also am thinking about making the big clothes wardrobe I just got into a kitchen cupboard instead of a bird cage because I would love to have my microwave and toaster off my counter and I think I can put all my pots and pans, spices and other dishes. I am going to measure and see what I can come up with, I will have to make some shelves for it so it might be a spring job cause I can't get to my table saw right now, put all that away for the winter, and it is a heavy bitch to move from upstairs to down, who knows I may change my mind again I do that a lot through the winter lol. Well it's almost noon so I guess I will get dressed today or at least put some clean pjs on, I was going to go help a friend pack up her place to sell but not sure I can do that today with my damn cramps, I think I will throw a party when my period is done and gone forever now that will be a blessed day for sure....... 

Hello World

Are we just a bit manic today hahahahaha I must admit I like being in a better mood and if it wasn't for the anxiety paranoid I would stay here and enjoy it. Yesterday was a complete right off so glad today I at least have been able to function a bit, I even got to go to the dollar store, I know waahhhooo lol. It's afternoon and I am starting to crash feel like I could sleep again but if I do that I won't sleep tonight. I need to eat something but have no idea what I can have that won't make me nauseous after, maybe some tuna, I wish we had salad but we don't even have that in the house, hubby is going to give me some money for food maybe tomorrow, sure hope I feel up to going to get some or we will be eating a lot of peanut butter for the next while lol. I think I will go and play a game for a bit, when I feel down I always cheer up when I play my hidden objects game keeps my mind going. 

Bloody Hell

Not doing so great today actually pretty bad day, if anyone is reading this and suffers with anxiety and depression well then you know what kind of day I had. I am 52 years old and it doesn't get any easier, I keep thinking it will I keep telling myself that if I just hang on another year but let's face it the facts are I will probably have to deal with this shit my whole life and I am not sure if I am sad, angry, frustrated or scared. Okay without going into all the details of my past life I just think I am pissed right off actually I am in rage right now and you know why, because by no fault of my own something horrible happened to me when I was very young, I was abused by someone and it changed who I was supposed to be it set in motion how my life was going to go down a path, one that I have been fighting to stay alive with for over 49 years and why am I mad as hell, because here I sit a broken person, afraid of life, afraid of my own shadow suffering with depression, anxiety, panic attaches, social phobia, obese and S.A.D. I live with this every day it's with me from the moment I wake till the last moment before sleep and then if I am lucky it will follow me into sleep as well, and I fight I fight to stay just above the breaking point, feeling the gray depth pulling at me,wondering how much longer I can take it and scared for the answer. This is my life not every second oh no in between the dark moments the light comes through just long enough to convince myself that the depth has gone and maybe I will stay in the light for as long as I can, getting my hopes up that maybe I can look for work and be functional, maybe I can go visit a friend hell just step out my door and feel safe I would love that and I strive for those moments and then when reality hits me again all I can do is hope that I have enough stubbornness left in me to fight through the depth to the light again. And then I think, I think about the person who started all this, I think about the fact that they are living there life probably not giving one second of thought about how I am struggling, that because of the kind of person they are they feel they did nothing wrong and I should just get over it but damn it that's when the anger and rage comes, why the hell do they get to live there life free and clear not giving one thought as to what they did, I kept it a secret for most of my life, it's to late to make them pay, that part I a not mad at myself about I did what I could to protect myself I didn't know better, I just crawled up inside myself and thinking if I just don't think about it it will go away,WELL IT WON'T it doesn't work that way instead I go through my life with all this baggage of pain constantly telling myself I did nothing wrong this was not my fault, despite the fact that I do at times feel it was my fault, every action has a reaction and I am totally aware of that, I know I have made some bad choices in my life, I know as an adult I should be able to correct some paths I have taken and I do. At my age now I have come to the decision that there are just some things I will not push myself to do things that make me work myself into a panic I just stopped doing, I am not happy about it in fact I feel like a failure in so many ways, it makes me frustrated, angry and exhausted. trying to explain to someone why I am the way I am I just don't have the energy or care, it's not a priority in my life, you know what is my priority, pushing through staying stubborn, doing something just one thing every day to make myself have some kind of pride in myself, telling myself girl don't even think about the person who started all this, there life is insignificant just go about your day doing the best that you can, that's all you can do is the best that you can, and I try, I do but some days the rage and anger comes and it's all I can think about. One day I hope I will  get past this that's what I keep telling myself.  

S.A.D.

Well it has begun lol, my moods are all over the place, one minute I am feeling good then I hit bottom and sit and cry, I am just so tired of this roller coaster. I am totally aware that a lot of what is happening right now is because my pill dose got changed and I am not reacting to it well, doc thought if she upped my night pill I would sleep better and in a way it has helped some, I am still up till 4am but then I crash till noon and that is the nights I do fall asleep, all last night I laid in bed and tossed an turned I just couldn't get to rem sleep till about 7am and I had to be up for 10am so today is going to suck for sure. The worst part is changing my pills has not helped my head to settle in fact I have so many voices in my head right now I can't even hear myself and that is not a good place for me to be, so I have decided on my own that I am going back to the dose I was taking and hope to hell this will settle down before winter kicks in big time. I am ever so grateful for the sun lamp a friend of mine gave me a few years ago, think I will be setting that up soon today. My tremors are back and I am craving chocolate big time so I know my calcium is low. I haven't had the erg to eat except vegetables and fruit, last night I had spinach and perogies not the best of dinners oh and I had some apple with peanut butter later on in the evening just to get some protein in me, I guess for this part I am glad my hubby went back to night shifts cause I don't have to make him supper I can have whatever I want. Today I am having tuna well that is the plan but I have to wait till I am not nauseous, hope it will go away before to long. So ya hubby went back to evenings not by choice that's for sure and I am not happy at all about it but what can I do, he is now working 4pm till midnight, in some ways I like it because it gives me time for myself but in the other hand I hate it because we don't see each other except for me to watch him sleep, so it sucks. The poor guy is having such a hard time because he now has to change when he takes his diabetic pills  and when he eats and he just finally had it figured out for days. My neighbor is having a birthday party he is turning 10, I can't hear a thing hahahahaha they must be outside in the snow having fun, think I will go and watch for a bit always is a great sight to make me smile and today I need that big time........

NOOOOOOOO Snow is coming !!!!!!

Hiiiii  I know it's been awhile I have been so busy getting the house and all the brats and myself ready for winter feel like I am in panic mode right now lol. Let's see what has been happening well I wrote about the fire that was a shock to my system as it was for all of us but after that things got busy around here. Started off with putting the rabbit cages together for there winter inside home,

All wrapped up for Xmas lol, I also have a open run for them to play in when I am cleaning, then I had to move the doves in for the winter and I built them a new cage for winter this year out of an old dresser,

that was a fun project, I was given a huge wardrobe closet that I think I will be making into a cage also, that will be my winter project, I would like to have my finches and my lovebird in separate parts of the new cage then I can sell my other cages and have more room in the pet room, will see how that goes. After getting them all set up I had to go clean the barn out and put all there food, hay, straw and treats in bins for the house, that took me 2 days, after that when it is all cleaned up then I start to put all my yard equipment in the barn for winter then close the tarp down and it is set to sit all winter, that took me 4 days I had a lot to sort through. Now for the big jobs getting my garden cleared up and ready for winter. I started about 3 days ago and will be another week at least to get it all done because I am moving some small tree's I have and lilac bushes around the yard, because I have been getting over this darn cold allergy I have had since moving the brats in I can't work for to long without getting exhausted so it is taking me longer this year but I will get it done. I have big plans for next spring I just hope I will be able to pull it off, I want to lay paper down around my plants and then put wood chips all around the garden so I don't have to work so hard keeping the weeds down, I am hoping I can hire a couple people to help me get it done and also get free wood chips from the city, so we will see. It's going to be a big job but I need to do something to help me out so I don't have to work so hard and can enjoy my garden more, plus I want to put a veg garden in next year I just have to figure out were I can put it cause I have a lot of shade in my yard. So you see I haven't been sitting on my butt and doing nothing I swear hahahahahaha. Winter is coming and I am more then a bit worried about my depression setting in but thank god I have so much to do right now I don't have a lot of time to think about it, so I will just take it one day at a time and go from there. Hope everyone is well and having a safe Halloween tonight, I will be sitting in the dark and writing like I do every Halloween and keeping the brats calm through the noise and myself hahahaha.

We had a Fire

So a lot of stuff has been going on but the big stress was we had a fire in the co-op, thankfully no one got hurt but the unit was gutted. I was just getting into a shower and some one was banging on our door yelling and my hubby ignored it and thought it was a bunch of kids, so I opened the door and looked there was nothing and I thought what the hell so I went and looked out the back door and then I heard everyone yelling fire, so here I am in my housecoat and I ran out and grab the hose and try and help the other lady who had another hose but it was doing nothing the fire was to far gone, then I realized it was heading towards my place and my hubby and birds were still in the house so I ran home and told him to help me get dressed and take the birds out. As you can imagine I was in a panic I knew I had to get dressed but I couldn't figure out what to put on and seeing smoke start to come in at the top of our wall made it worse, but we managed to get out with the birds and moved our car across the lot so I could sit in it cause I was in no shape to walk around, I was so scared and so upset. Everyone was safe and thankfully the fire stayed in the unit so we just had some smoke damage being we were 2 doors away but our next door neighbor had very strong smoke damage and of course there is no coverage for smoke damage. It's been a couple weeks and we still have a smell in our bedroom but if we keep the windows open that helps a lot. I feel so bad for the people in that unit it just went up so fast even though the fire truck was here right away, they said thank goodness we have fire walls between each unit that's what kept the fire to that unit.  This is the second fire we have had the first one happened 4 years and 4 days  from this one. Just after the fire we found out my hubby has diabetes type 2, so he is on pills and has to check his blood and of course change his diet. I am doing what I can to help him but I can only do so much the rest is up to him. The morning after the fire we also found out one of our neighbors relative passed away so you can imagine how sad it has been. The night of the fire all the co-op got together and had KFC and drinks and just sat around and talked some of them were outside till way into the night, I had to come home by 10pm I was exhausted and still had to set up a bed for us to sleep in cause we couldn't sleep in our room, but it was such a good idea to sit with everyone and just talk be support for each other, this we haven't done for a few years. Was kind of funny cause we had a small camp fire we sat around and the security guy came and sat with us, we thought the camp fire had been lifted but I guess it hadn't but we had a hose and 2 fire extinguishers so they let us keep it small. Everyone was laughing at me cause I don't drink so I went home and grabbed my big milk jug of peach tea, they kept asking if it was moonshine hahahahaha.
Whats so sad is that unit just got a new roof windows and doors but all that will get fixed with insurance, they haven't said how the fire started but the only thing that was in the corner was a lamp so maybe the dog bumped it, not sure will find out when they have wrote up the report. But the main thing is we all were okay the rest is replaceable.  

It's raining

It's raining again not a lot but still raining, so happy we have had all our windows open and doors the house is smelling so good right now, only thing is I am cold hahahahaha but that is okay I can put a sweater on just so good to not smell strong smoke. All the kids are outside playing sounds so good to hear them having fun again. I haven't checked on the fires today I just don't feel like I could handle disappointment today so I will just be happy with the rain and hope it has helped. Today I slept in again not happy with this not sleeping crap so I have started back on my sleeping pills for the next month, I have to my thinking and walking well basically everything is messed up from lack of sleep so it is time to kick it in the ass, I need to get it under control so I can enjoy what the rest of summer has to give before winter kicks in and then I have to start fighting my way through winter blues but this year I have a plan I am going to turn on my mood light early this winter and I am also back on my vitamins plus our house is going to go through a huge change in diet because my hubby just found out he is diabetic, we go to the doctor next Wed to find out what we have to change in his diet. I will say that I am so proud of him already because he has cut himself down from almost 3l of coke pop to a small bottle of diet coke a day, so he has been amazing, there is half a regular coke in the fridge and he hasn't touched it, I think this scared him big time and although I wouldn't wish this scare on anyone I am also glad because he has changed his attitude and has been so much nicer and pleasant to be around, I am sure that also has to do with him going back on his mood pills and blood pressure pills, couldn't have happened at a better time I tell ya. Today I had a can of salmon with a bit of salt and pepper on crackers and it was so good but I am having a lot of taste back but not to bad, it's been so many years that I haven't been able to eat tuna or salmon because it just tasted like tin to me but since I have changed my diet so much and also changed my shampoo to the no sulfur kind I have been able to eat it, that is a good thing because hubby also loves tuna not so much salmon because he doesn't like the bones but he loves tuna on a salad or in a bun so we will be eating fish again more and I am very happy about that I have missed it so much. All my animals are having such a good day I can hear them running around in the barn and the doves are singing, my neighbors chickens are singing and even the cows across the street are mooing lol what a little rain does is amazing. I think I am going to get some socks on and runners and go for a walk a bout, enjoy being outside without fighting to breath. Hope this rain keeps coming and everyone is safe, thinking of everyone who is in the area of the hurricane be safe and sound......

Where the hell have I been you say?

Hey I wish I had a good excuse but you know what I fricken don't, life has been a bit crazy and I burt myself out for a bit but I think I have my crap back together lol. This summer has been damn hot for me and so full of smoke I can't handle this crap anymore. I am so emotionally drained from all the people that have lost there homes from the fires, I have had to turn off the news and stop reading, it's not that I have decided to end my humanity about it no not at all but this girl is no help to anyone if every day is so overwhelmingly filled with emotion and sadness, so I have taken a break, time to get myself back in order cause summer isn't over yet and I hate to say it but there could be more fires started and closer to home before this season is over. It hasn't all been doom and gloom around here, some very exciting things have happened, and this is the main reason I have been so busy is the co-op just had all our windows and doors replaced and OMG they are fantastic.

Such an amazing job they did, my place is so much brighter and looks way better so much so that I am now ready to paint. was a lot of work though moving everything in every room and removing and replacing all the curtain rods, not to mention moving all my big planters back in there space but I am almost done with that part and on to the next reno. Since we stayed on budget with the windows we are now getting the siding and stucco done, we hope to have part of it done before winter. Then the real fun starts because if we can stay on budget for that job I will be having panic issues and so much stress coming out my yinyang lol, because everyone who still has the old rugs in there place will get new flooring  aaaaccccchhhhhhhh. I am so excited but I am also exhausted just thinking about all the work I will have to do to move all our things upstairs into our spare space, everything will have to be packed and put away and I am having a racing heart just thinking about it so will stop and move on from that hahahahahaha.  So you see I haven't been on a vacation and living it up lol I wish.  I am still letting the rabbit's out of the barn to run the yard and they are loving it and so am I makes me smile every time to see Sam run so fast across the grass,. He has finally gotten used to the feel of the grass. Let's see what else oh I have trapped and caught about a dozen mice in the house, there must have been a pregnant mom that came in cause most of them were very young but I think I have gotten them all so far. I decided to put some bait out in my shed because my yard has been over run by them now that they have chicken feed right next door, I got some bait of Ebay and used that within a week, then I got thinking and looked up a homemade bait and found one that is working like a hot damn and all it is  aspartame and potato flakes, that's all, they eat it and drink and swell, kind of a sad thing to do but when you have literally hundreds running around it is time to get rid of some cause they are all going to want to come in for winter, so far I have found about 20 around the yard and I know there are some under the barn cause I can smell them, so my yard smells a bit oogy right now but that will end as soon as they dry up. I am considering moving the barn for next summer so I can plant a veg garden were they are but that will be such a huge job and I am for sure not going to do it alone I am way to old for doing all that now. Sooooo that has been my life for the last few months, for the next while I have a breather so might be able to write more often again, I miss writing even if it is just for me to read lol. Anyone who reads this good health and my prayers go out to all dealing with the fires and smoke, stay safe.....

Amazing Day!!!!!!

I am so excited our new car arrived today, well new to us and I just love it, I can't wait to take it out for a ride but will have to wait till the smoke settles down cause it's just to much for me to go out in but it's going to be a blast. No more asking for rides no more fixing the car every week, I am so excited because I might even feel safe enough now to drive out of town the freedom will be amazing.

Clagon take me away hahahahaha

I have done all I can do it is up to others now hahahahaha ya I wish, I have so much I still have to figure out and get through life is just not that easy and nor should it be but I sure could go for less stress and more clarity as I am sure others would love also. It's summer and I mean it is summer the next 2 months in the Okanagon  it will be hot hot hot lol, I don't mind except that I tend to have to stay inside and look forward to the days it might rain so I can venture out for a bit and not get heatstroke in the first hour of being out. I usually tend to lose weight in the summer because I just don't want to eat anything except fruit and some veggies anything cold or I end up eating late in the evening when it has cooled down. I am fighting dehydration for the last 3 days and I can feel I am winning but not because I am happy about it lol I thank goodness that I have peppermint  tea or I wouldn't get any water in me. Today I planned on going to mow but I just can't handle the heat today so I have put it off for a day, not a big deal pretty soon I won't be able to mow because the grass will be burnt off but would be nice to get at least 2 more in this season just for the fun of it. I swear the weather is influencing everyone's mood  because we have a lot of short tempered people around me right now including my hubby, I can't blame him he is tired and hot as much as everyone so it's a bit like walking on egg shells here. I think today will be a good day to put the sprinkler on and let the kids run and play, if I wasn't so grossed out about the beaches I would see if I could get a ride and go for a dip but there is way to much crap and garbage in the lakes and plus I haven't the strength to be around a lot of people, some day I swear I am going to get myself a big horse rubber drinking bin and fill it with water and just lay in it in my back yard lol now that would make my neighbors laugh for sure and laughter around here would be nice cause there are way and I mean way to many hot heads in this place right now everyone wants to talk at once and no one is listening. Maybe a nap will help put the air on and veg for a bit who knows I may even feel well enough after to go play with the bunny's for a bit.

Slept through this day

I had the worse night ever legs jumping and cramping tummy cramping and fever and pain, went to have a hot bath at 3am settled a bit then got out went to bed and woke up at 2pm the next day, I think the stress of the last 2 months finally caught up to me, all this crap with the co-op and then our car dying and dealing with people that can't say anything but rude remarks I just had enough. I wish I could say I feel better today, well I kind of do no fever and the cramped tummy is gone I could go back to sleep again but I won't I will fight it or I won't sleep at all tonight. It's been not a very happy place around my home in the last couple months, after the car died we found another car from a friend that we could have for free so we had a go at getting it going, first the key was lost then I had a friend take the passenger lock out to have a key made 20 bucks there then we go to the car and the battery is dead no prob we boosted it got it started checked all the fluids and got in to drive it home and the breaks were seized so go home again without the car, friend got the tired to move, we head over and try to start it again and battery dead no prob boost it again drive it home and cleaned it up, it's been sitting for 2 years, hubby gets into it to go to work in the morning starts fine he gets to work and tries to come home and dead again so there it sits again for a day, put a new clamp on the battery charge it for an hour, hubby goes to go to work and dead so I have had enough, thank god we can have it towed away for free cause I am not putting anymore money into it then I already have plus in a month we will be getting a newer car from my niece, so I said enough hubby will just have to get a cab or walk at this point I don't care I am so fed up plus the guy that was a good friend I thought blew up at me over the car that just topped everything off, so no wonder I had to shut down for a bit. Funny cause hubby came home from work and crawled into bed with me and he also slept for 3 hours, I guess he has been stressed out also, it's a pain in the ass that he has to take a cab but by the time we try and figure out what is going on with the car it will be time to insure the new one, bonus is we haven't been able to eat out for dinner cause we haven't had a car hahahahahaha both of us have lost some weight him more then me as usual men tend to lose faster then woman another injustice lol .  I did spend almost 3 hours cleaning up around the co-op a could days ago, we have way to many pine tree's especially since it's usually me who has to clean all that crap up so I can mow the lawn, some days I think I am not charging enough lol. Two days ago I had to put one of my rabbit's down poor old girl she was ready to go, that was the icing on the cake for me, I have a very hard time when one of my animals passes they are my kids but it's a blessing when they are sick that they go so fast, she was sick the night before and by morning she was ready to go, such a pretty rabbit all white but with blue eyes amazing eyes she will be missed by me and the two boy's left Sammy and Kerplunkathunk they know she is gone I always show who is still here that they have died i think it helps them adjust easier, or maybe it just helps me adjust easier either way it's good. Think I will get my butt up and go outside for a bit get a bit of sun try and feel human again......

Where have I been? lol

It's been awhile since I have wrote not because there hasn't been stuff going on just because I haven't been able to write because of mood and stress but today I felt like plucking a few words down. Let me tell you what has been going on ,  our car decided it has had enough and broke enough that we just couldn't fix it anymore lol, my hubby was at work and on his way home the tire was rubbing so he says to himself no prob I will just drive slower, well 3 blocks from home the tire starts to smoke and he just keeps going even slower, he makes it to the top of our driveway and the tire blows so he drags the car to the carport and there it sat till the tow truck came and took my putt putt away. I had a good laugh because it is usually me who is in the cars when they break down, he had not only blown the tire but both tire rods broke because the tire had seized hahahahaha, oh well I was expecting the car to go soon with no muffler and the lights only working sometimes it was time for her to go. So here I am looking for a car a very cheap car because I only had $500.00 left for my computer and a friend of mine says why don't you come get my car it's been sitting and it's free, so I was like great I can use a bit of the money to get it going again and have some left for me in theory. First we couldn't find the keys, have no idea where they went, so had to have a friend come and take the passenger lock out so they could make me a key to fit the Tercel, got that done so headed over to the car and tried to start it no juice, so boost the battery and car starts, even after sitting for about 4 years it runs great so I put my plates on and get in to drive it home and put it in gear and no go lol, either the emergency break was stuck or the brakes were seized so home I go for 2 days till I can get help to figure out what is happening. Got the tires to move was rust on the drums, but I couldn't go with my friend because I wasn't feeling well, so still no car, tonight it maybe coming home I have a meeting I can't miss and the guy were the car is parked might come and get hubby and then follow him home to make sure nothing goes wrong, will have to see because my hubby is in a foul mood right now hence the hiding out in my office lol. So I will find out when I get back from my meeting about the car. In the mean time my brother calls me and asks if we found a car yet and I said why, he says cause I got one for you hahahahahahaha so my niece got married a few weeks ago and her hubby's uncle gave them a Mustang but it need a bit of work so as soon as they get the Mustang fixed we will be getting her car for very cheap, it's a 2003 Honda Civic so that should be a great car for us for the next few years, I can't wait we are going to give the Tercel to a friend who is saving up for a car so he has something to use till he can get what he wants so I am keeping my fingers crossed that everything works out for once cause our luck has not been very good.  Tonight is a big meeting for the co-op I have been looking forward to this for weeks but I find myself a bit apprehensive and nervous, it's not till 6:30 tonight and already I have nerves lol. Well that's it for today I can't stay on the computer to long because I also in the last week got heatstroke oh what fun my life is I tell ya,  wish me luck on the meeting I am sure I am going to need it ....

Well that explains that lol

Surprise and no not the kind a woman likes I am as my friends says I am broken for 5 days hahahahaha. I now know why I have been so emotional and angry, it all makes sense now, all the anger and being mad is gone it left this morning and then the cry at any moment has kicked in, my poor hubby is not sure if he should even look at me lol.  Today I decided because I am bloated and don't want anything tight on I wore a dress, the dress I got from my sister in law it's bright red and yellow and almost orange in some spots with a cross over chest and you would think I never wear dresses, I walk down stair and my hubby looks and his jaw drops and says were has that been hiding and why haven't you worn it more hahahahaha I guess it looks not bad, being a heavy person I was a bit nervous about the colors but he says it looks great so guess I will wear this one more often, then he says to me this isn't going to be just your broken dress?  OMG I laughed so hard he says no seriously is it? well that made it worse so we laughed till I had to sit down for air, was just what I needed. We have a water advisory on right now so we have to boil out water so for the first time in about 9 years I went and paid for water to fill our machine, we usually just put tap water in, the water is okay but I like the taste of our water so will be glad when we can go back to drinking it. What crazy weather we have had for two days it poured down so hard and fast some of us had to go out and bucket water away from our doors but I am not complaining because others are flooded in terribly in Kelowna and other places, I only remember it raining that bad since I was ten years old, it's amazing how the weather is changing in our area we seem to be having colder winters and hotter summers, the only time I can go and stay out for the day is spring and fall because of my meds I burn right away in the sun. I got pictures sent to me of my nieces wedding on Sat, looks like they had a wonderful time, a bit to much drinking for me but to be young and stupid again, no I don't think even if I was young again I would drink that much, oh well at least everyone was safe but I sure wouldn't have wanted to be any of them on Sunday. I wish I could have gone it's only about twenty five min away from me and I still couldn't go, I don't know if I ever will be able to go out of town again, haven't left home for over 6 years since my anxiety got so bad, it's not much fun being scared all the time, thankfully I have family that understand, they don't like it but they don't get to mad at me. What gets me is they all have my address, sure wish more would come and see us but that's on them not on me I have accepted that at this point I am not able to leave so I just push myself to do more in town and as that gets easier I hope to wonder a bit farther. If we had a car that was safe to drive now that would make a huge difference but we don't and with no  money to buy one that leaves me kind of stuck. A few years ago my brother gave us our car but can't see that happening again anytime soon. I keep putting ads in freecycle but no go oh well at least I can still drive in town and hubby can get back and forth to work. 

Slap me in the face, so tired of this.

Have you ever known someone who lives to make others life difficult?  I have I am so mad I could spit fire but I also feel totally deflated because once again this person gets away with treating others like crap and once again they get away with a slap on the hand. I try my best not to live my life in anger my years have shown me that is not the way to live, and so I use all my power to just let it go but it sure is hard. I do things everyday that make me feel happy and when I manage to get to that point I hold on for all my life, sometimes I win and sometimes I don't and the anger comes flooding back. The worst part is I know this person is in the wrong no question about it but somehow they manage to skip on by day to day with no conscious at all. I can't imagine living a life not caring that I may hurt others by my actions, just whatever if I don't care I don't have to face what I have done I guess. It's exhausting and not very productive so I push forward, keep good thoughts and go on, about the only thing that helps to get passed all this is I know at some point karma is going to take a huge chunk out of her ass. I hate to say it but I hope I am there to see it happen. 

Shoot me now and call it a day!!!!!!

OMG what have I done well what haven't I done lol, yesterday was our co-op's spring clean up and I feel like I have been hit by a bus every part of me hurts and the parts of me that hurt hurt lol. My hands are swollen my feet are sore even my hair hurts well it itches from being in a pony tail all yesterday but man did we get a lot done. I would say that our clean ups are getting better and better because more people show up and everyone works so good together and the ones that don't work well with others didn't show up so all the better for us lol. We trimmed cedars down in height took a couple out and the guy's cut a bunch of branches and threw them in the chipper. We all worked a long day I worked from 9am till 3pm then I had to quit cause I started to feel yucky and of course I over did it so today I will be paying for it big time. I got no sleep last night all I did was grown and toss around so I am going to be a mess today but I can't wait to go walk around and see what everyone did, I am supposed to be helping a couple guy's lay some irrigation lines today but I might have to tell them to wait a couple days or I will just supervise cause this old girl has had it for sure.  I think I will go sit for a bit before going outside I am just not ready to start my day and I need some painkillers to kick in....

My life is not worth this stress

When we moved into our co-op I had no idea at all about all the rules and policies and for sure I had no idea  what kind of politics were going to be involved but I sure have my eyes open now and let me tell you I wish I could close them back up again. Because of privacy issues I can't write about it so all I can write is how it is affecting me. As most people who know anything about me have some idea how easy I fall into stress depression and anxiety, it's something I don't enjoy but have lived with for most of my life, so when I tell you that I am so stressed out that I am literately sick to my stomach I am not exaggerating. Today started off good I for the first time this season got to ride the lawn tractor and mowed the lawn, that was a blast, I forgot just how much fun that machine is, so I set out to do my job and then a ton of bricks of crap fell on me. You know when you have done something by the kindness and concern of your heart, something that no one asked you to do but you did for the protection of all involved and it back fires in your face, well that happened to me, this is not the first time this has happened to me, in the past I have done a few things that I thought were helpful and caring and unselfish and it has back fired on me, for example one of my friends was in the hospital giving birth to her son, I thought I would surprise her and I got some little bins for his dresser and put his socks in a bin in the drawer and his little booties in another, folded and got everything ready for her to come home to so everything would be right there and she didn't have to worry about finding things, I thought I was being a good friend and I did it with all the love and yes I was proud of myself to put myself out there and do something unselfish for someone and it blew up in my face, she got home and was mad because she misunderstood what I had done and thought my actions were saying that she wasn't a good mother because I didn't trust her to sort and fold her baby's clothes, I was devastated all I wanted was to show my love for her and her new son but I guess I overstepped myself, we of course talked about it years later and I explained my side and she felt so bad for thinking the worst of me but I also could see her side of it, well that is kind of what happened today not the same but the idea behind it is the same, and I am back to feeling reprimanded and made to feel like I overstepped and what I thought I was doing protecting our co-op was taken as if I was being secretive and breaking the rules. So here I sit feeling horrible and I have come to a decision and what I have decided makes me feel even worse but for the sake of my own self worth my health and anxiety I will be stepping down from certain parts of the co-op that I have very much enjoyed being a part of, as much as it hurts me to walk away I must do it. A huge part of me that I love about myself is the way I can give of myself to help others, I have so much joy in the act of helping and supporting others as much as I can, what I did I have thought about very hard and I still can't see how I was wrong if I had to do it all over I am fairly sure I would do the same thing again and maybe I am wrong maybe I should have just walked away and left all of us vulnerable to the possibility of some very bad things that could of happened but that is just not me, it's not who I want to be and if that is what is expected of me then I need to step away, I can't and will not accept that kid of behavior from me, I just couldn't live with myself.....      

The Story of My Rock

Good day I wanted to tell you all a story about my rock, it all started about 6 years ago, every winter I wear the same winter coat and every year I manage to forget about this small rock I have in my one pocket, so the first time I put my winter coat on and put my hands in the pockets I find this small rock, for years I have never known were this rock came from and for years I find it in my pocket and for some strange reason I never throw it away, so there it sits all through spring summer and fall hiding in it's spot waiting for winter to come and take it on a walk around town lol. So I have been telling a few people about this rock  and most people think just throw it away and some think I am crazier then a loon for keeping it but no one has owned up to putting it in my pocket. It's not a special rock well it's special to me but it's just a small brown rock that I carry around with me every year. So this year I went to put my jacket away for the season and checked on my rock and yup there it was all tucked in. I was talking to my neighbor about it and she said what does it look like and I said it looks like a rabbit turd and we laughed and laughed till I had to go get it and show her and at that very moment I remembered were the rock came from, many years ago when I first started to work for the rabbit rescue I met a lady who was running the rescue and had been doing so for many years, we have become the best of friends and have shared many laughs together, we were on our way to go clean the rabbit habitat and on the floor of her car was this rock and she said something like you have to keep this rock because it looks like rabbit poop and we laughed so hard and I put it in my pocket and there it has been for many years. What is so strange is I knew this silly rock had some meaning or reason I have kept it for so long but I couldn't remember why and all I had to to was tell my neighbor what it looked like and the memory hit me like a ton of bricks hahahahahaha so my little rock has gone back to it's pocket I thought about putting it in my purse but then I thought nope it belongs in my winter coat for on those cold and dark days I can reach in my pocket and smile and remember thanks to Maurie I now carry around a little rabbit turd rock hahahahahahaha.

So it's been a few days since I posted this story and for the last day I have had a very difficult time because of someone extremely rude causing so much turmoil were I live that I had to come back and read it again, I defiantly think this will be the go to story that will make me laugh and smile even if it's just for a while... 

Pruning plumb tree's

Okay I have done it again the first sign of warmer weather and I have worn myself out already lol. I have 4 small plumb trees and 2 large plumb tree's I prune every year, the three small ones all I had to do is trim off the suckers and shape just a bit the forth one was a bigger job because last year I waited to long to trim and didn't have time to finish so this year I started early, I had one of my neighbors help me with one of the big tree's it needed some chainsaw action and I am not able to stand on a ladder and use a chainsaw anymore so was very nice to get the help and the last tree I did yesterday by myself and cleaned up the branches today. Very happy it is done but my arms and body hurt big time, think I will be taking a few days off before starting on my garden. I am not feeling very good today actually haven't been feeling so good the last four days, I have been drinking Kifer and I am wondering if I am drinking to much think I will skip a couple days and then try again, I would so like to make my own but I am scared to try, things like that I have to have someone show me how to do it before I will attempt it weird I am not like that with building stuff just with food. I so want to go to bed I already fell asleep in the tub for an hour I don't think I will be up past seven pm, I struggle so much with what I should do have a nap or just go to bed early maybe I will go outside for a bit and see if I wake up enough to make it till eight lol....

Welcome to Spring Yippiii

I am so excited the last two days have been so nice I have spent almost all day outside, just feels so good to have fresh air and sunshine just amazing. I have spent the last three days working on our co-op's shed, I decided this year I am not fighting with everyone putting tools back were they belong so I went to the dollar store and purchased a bunch of tool brackets, what a great deal you get 5 brackets with hardware for $1.25  I mean how crazy is that, so the first day I had to move all the lawn mowers out now that may sound silly cause usually people only have one or two, well not us we have three electric for personal yards, two smaller gas, one industrial Toro and the best one of all my riding lawn tractor, so the first hour I spent moving crap out of the way, vacuumed up all the mice crap, not a fun job there and sweeping the floor of grass and nails and screws that people have dropped and just not picket up. Then I got my drill and started hanging stuff, omg what fun I had, I am a tool girl I love all kinds of pruners and snipers, rakes heavy duty and light duty, I myself have a table saw,chop saw, grinder, drill press and way to much of the smaller tools to write, I am not sure were I got this love of building I was never taught just started to learn how to do stuff because both my first hubby and my current hubby have no experience at all can hardly use a hammer lol, so if I want stuff done I have to do it myself, now if it is a big project I have a couple friends that will come and lend a hand but I usually attempt to do it myself first. So I got half the shed done after two days of about 4 hours or more work and I had to stop because I need more brackets and was to tired to go to the store so maybe tomorrow. There is nothing that makes me angrier then someone taking stuff out of the shed and when they return it they open the door and put it in the corner and leave, last year I had to clean the shed three times just to get the lawn tractor out to mow, after the third time I wrote a notice and told everyone that if they don't keep the shed tidy grounds will put a new lock on and no one else will be able to go in, that seemed to help till the end of the season then it's back to a mess. I mean come on I am not dealing with children you have to be over twelve years old to go into the shed and use things, no this is adults who most are in there forties, just no respect for anyone or anything, so this year I hope will be much better instead of things hanging on nails everything will have it's spot and easy to see the tools you need and where they get put back, I am almost thinking of putting signs above the racks so people now were to put things back, shouldn't be to hard I am sure there are coloring book pages I could use. Kind of sounds ridiculous but that is what we live with here and I for one have had enough, they get one more chance and after that what will happen is everyone will have to purchase there own tools and lawn mowers and the co-op will stop buying them for all to use. I wish I could say that I have slept good after all that work but it is the opposite again, another reason I didn't want to drive to the store not on two hours of sleep, so tonight I am biting the bullet and taking a sleeping pill, I hate to take them but if I have one more night of no sleep then things will get very bad I walk into things, cant speak, start to say things backwards and just over all feel like I have been hit by a bus so this girl is going to sleep tonight even if it kills her hahahaha....

What an idiot I can be lmao

This morning I learned the same old rule that I should not eat peanuts hahahahaha, my poor gut is churning and I feel like I have a hangover not a good feeling but as they say life goes on and soon I think it will flow very fast out of me hahahahahaha what an idiot I know better but they just looked so good, I am talking about the elephant peanuts in the shell you know the ones that I think every kid comes home on trick or treat and gives them all to there parents, I love that time of the year lol. Today I have plans that I hope I can get done, first I need to clean the bird cages in the house my finches and my love bird had baths yesterday so today I need to clean up the mess they made, then I need to go trim rabbit nails they shouldn't be to bad cause I just did them when I moved them outside, I like to check after they have been out for a month make sure there isn't any damage while they fist go crazy with the space and try and rip up everything hahahaha. I am trying to find some poles to place around my yard that I can just attach wire to on the days that are good for them to come out and run around, if I can't find what I want I might just put chicken wire all around the bottom of my fence and just let them out, I of course will worry like crazy the first few times they come out I always worry about the hawks and owls that hang around my place, if I could net in my yard I would let them run the yard all day and night but don't think my neighbors would like that, and I don't want to push my luck because they are supposed to be in there barn all the time but also no one cares in the co-op because I keep them so clean and tidy so it's not who lives in the co-op it's the people around us. Hubby just got home from work he is in a good mood today, I know how his day has been as soon as he opens the door, if he walks in saying hello and Jimmy our lovebird calls to him he will say hi Jim that's when I know he has had a good day, if he walks in and goes directly to the bathroom or his office/play room I know to stay away for at least and hour hahahaha. I was so hoping it was going to be a sunny day today but it is cloudy and looks cold so I think I will put off doing some more pruning of tree's till another day, I already did four of the plumb tree's I do every spring, no one touches them but me and everyone know to keep there fingers off lol, I am a self taught pruner from watching videos and talking to other who have done it and in the last two years I have managed to bring back two plumb trees back to producing fruit so no touchy I tell ya, I have two more large plumb trees to prune and two apricot trees, some of the apricot limbs I will be getting help with because they need to be chainsawed off, I could do it but I don't trust myself to use a chainsaw while standing on a ladder anymore just to scary for me so I pass on that part to a neighbor. It's funny cause I love pruning the trees the first four I do I don't even have to have a ladder I have cut them now so I can reach everything with just an extender pruner, so much better for the fruit also because everyone can reach to pick the fruit and we don't count on getting to much at least not from the bottom layer because the kids manage to eat most of them, that's fine we have the two big trees to pick from and what is sad is there is only a few of us that pick the fruit, well kind of sad and kind of not because that means the rest of us that love it get so much it lasts us a season. I have a bit more books to sort out and my office is almost done, I have three printers the one I use is just a black and white ink no color so I use that one all the time and the other ones I have kept because friends gave them to me but I think I will get rid of the other two and splurge and get myself a scanner this year, I have a secret and not many people know this about me but I have a bad habit that I have not been able to rid of and that is,,,,,I love to take things apart lol I do I have taken tv's vcr's computers and probably will take apart one of the printers because it doesn't work just the scanner works and it is so old no one will want to fix it cheaper to just go buy one, so there ya go another secret I have shared, see I take it all apart and keep all the screws and washers and anything else I think I will use later on, my hubby thinks I am silly but I haven't had to buy screws for almost anything I make cause I have what I need, just if I need large screws then I have to buy some, I tell him I am saving money but to be honest I just like to rip things apart hahahahaha, okay I have sat long enough time to get this day going, I think it just might be a good one.......😎

Something is wrong

Something is wrong and I am not sure what it is I just feel off, I don't want to play games or write in my book or even sit and watch a show, I have a bit of tremors and my head hurts a bit, kind of when I know a storm is on it's way the pressure in my head is horrible. Yesterday I couldn't eat much I slept most of the day and today I could go sleep again but I am trying to fight it, I am a bit stressed and my nerves are on edge so just not a good day for me. It's a bit windy out but the sun is out and I don't even want to go outside I hate it when I feel like this but at least I know it doesn't last usually a couple days and I feel better, I wonder if this is part of menopause? I have noticed that in the last couple days I have had a hard time finding words it's frustrating as heck. Sooo it's been a few days since I wrote this and all I can do is laugh about it cause today was a great day, went to town and got dinner, worked on my book and now I am taking a break for a few minutes then I am going back to sorting books again. Yesterday well wait let me start by saying last two Sunday's I have gone to a friends house and cleaned because they sold the house the first day I worked for about 7 hours not full speed that's what I like about who I was cleaning for I can take as much time as I want and not feel like I have to rush through it all, came home and for the next two days I did nothing hahahahaha I was so sore and tired but a good sore, you always feel good after helping friends out, love that I can do something nice for them this time, the next cleaning day went way faster I think I only worked for about three hours not even could have been two, I was glad I had done so much the first trip cause I was not doing so well on the second trip, I hadn't slept all night tossed and turned all night and I woke up with a headache and sore guts so just getting to the house was a chore let alone cleaning but I got it done and felt so great about it when I got home I had a hot bath and started to feel better, sometimes I can talk myself out of anxiety and that day I managed to do it. A couple days later my friend stopped over and dropped off four large bookcases for me, I was so excited I couldn't wait to fill them up, I have had a lot of my books in dressers for a few years but now I have most of them sorted and on the shelves, love that my Stephen king is back out on display, I even had one case put in my office area and now I am sorting and filing stuff I will have way more room in here and I can't say thank you enough. I was asked how much I was going to charge for cleaning but I told them they are not paying me this time because I needed my license paid this year and it's about $80.00, not a big deal but I didn't have the money to spend at the time so they paid for it because they wanted me to drive there extra car so I could help pack up the house and get ready for the move so I said with them paying the bill and the bookshelves that was payment more then enough, plus with all the help they give me it felt so wonderful to be able to pay them back, it's funny because they said well we were going to ask you to clean a bit at there other house and I said for sure just let me know what you need and when but you will have to pay me for that work I will need some dollar store money by then hahahahahahaha. I am still waiting on my other friend who is going with me to get my new computer, hoping sometime next week will work for him but it's not a big deal cause I still have this one to use till I get it but I sure am getting excited to see what I will be getting. Well I guess I have had enough of a break better get back to sorting, so far I have done three hours of sorting and filing all our books because my hubby has a huge amount close to three hundred books I am sure but will be so great to have it done and have the extra space, not sure what I am doing with the dressers yet but I am sure I will figure something out......

Take a deep breath and carry on

In all my long life I have heard some horrible things said to me about my weight, my choices in life, my abuse I am surviving with and others but today was the icing on the cake, you see I was down town and a lady was walking with her child and he darted out on the road the mom being scared and upset grabbed the kid by the arm and pulled him off the road now I agree that she did grab his arm and jerked him maybe a bit to hard but I also know how she was feeling at that moment when this happened and just how scared it was for her to have him do that so I understood but this lady who was standing by me blurts out just loud enough for me to hear that people like her are why others abuse people, because an abused person will always turn around and abuse others, I stood there with I am sure my jaw held open I couldn't believe that anyone in this day and age could be so ignorant and spit out these foul words and feel totally fine with it, this person who I have never seen before doesn't know who I am has no idea who she made this comment to I have never wanted to slap someone in the face as much as I did her. This week has been one of the hardest weeks I have had because of a person who lives by me is causing so much trouble for everyone, I have always been so proud of the place I live and proud of my neighbors with all that they have done to better all of our lives here and I guess it's just like what they say that there is always a bad apple in the bunch. I don't know what to do I am at a loss I have so much anger and frustration towards them, every time I do something that I have been asked to do for the co-op I get a negative remark from this person so much so that I just want to stop volunteering my time and that is so sad. I have done so much for this person in the last two years because that is the kind of person I am if there is a need and I can fill it I am there, but how much do I have to endure before it's to much. There are some plans in effect and I try to keep my mind focusing on that and patience is not my strong suit for sure but I am trying. It's so hard for me to take the things that have been said without spitting foul words back at them, I don't want to be that kind of person so I hang on for my life and I guess really I have two ways to deal with it all, I can walk away and leave all the work I do to my neighbors and put more jobs on there back or I can keep my mouth shut and hope and pray that soon things will change and we will move on to a happier place, I don't answer to this person even though they think that all of us should, the jobs I have been asked to do have been from the group of us and I am not here to impress this person so for the time being I will try my hardest to keep my mouth shut do my job and well like Dora says just keep swimming just keep swimming.........

Snow snow go away come again another never!!!!!!!! well till next fall

I am having a bitchy and tired day because I am broken again for 5 days hahahahaha  that's what a friend of mine her hubby says we are broken on our period and I kind of like it. I should have known it was coming because I started to clean the house and shift things around nesting they call it, I don't mind it gets the floors clean more often plus I got a new mop from the dollar store and had to try it out and I like it very easy to ring out by hand cause I don't have a bucket ringer my last one broke and I haven't bothered to get a new one. Bedroom smells loverly with wood soap but sneezing a bit probably from the dust being picket up. I want to see if I can get my office floor done also but first I have to clean up the mess I made sorting, I have way to much stuff and I keep thinking I will get rid of some but then I keep finding places for everything lol, I have a paper hoard that started from my neighbor and friends, they had garage sales and what they didn't get rid of they dropped off at my door, I like the fancy computer paper but I have about ten packages of writing paper that have 350 sheets in each, I have been thinking about getting rid of at least 5 and I came up with a good idea, a friend of mine stays in Mexico for the winter and then comes home for the summer months well her boyfriend is flying out and will be driving back with her soon, so I am going to see if he can take a few with him for the kids there because they don't have a lot of stuff in the area that she lives plus I have some coloring books and notebooks I can send I even have a bunch of crayons will have to ask about them cause they are not in great shape but I bet the kids wouldn't mind. From the title you can guess it is snowing again I'm not to worried rain is coming again so I don't think it will be staying long but i tell ya I am getting tired of cleaning the inside of the house I want to get the outside started but patients is not something  I have very much of. I am missing my mom today she has been on my mind a lot this last week it's that time of the year I always think of her in the spring she has been gone since 1989 and I have forgotten her voice except at times when I say or laugh about something and I can hear here seems like the older I get the more I seem to be like her, that makes me very happy. Well I better get back at it before sitting gets to comfortable hubby will be home soon so make early supper and then I can sit for a bit and relax, laundry is ready for dryer also, so far I have gotten a lot done today I should be bitchy more often just think what I would get done lol......

Spitting Vile Mad !!!!

You know those days when you wake up and even before you open your eyes you just know you are mad, is it because of a dream or lack of sleep you just don't know why it is what it is, well today is one of those days. I can blame it on a few things like the fact that I ate to much yesterday and now today I am paying for it big time and can't go to far from the bathroom my poor aching butt, or that I got four hours of sleep and I am bitchy and tired, oh then there is the fact that I took the garbage out yesterday and saw that our garbage bin was upgraded to a larger one, now I know you are wondering what the hell that is about, see I am head of grounds were we live and as head of grounds I am to be informed about anything changing that has to do with grounds and once again I was not told, now you think big deal a bigger bin more room and that is true but what pisses me off is our committee had a plan for the recycling and garbage to be put back together and moved and now that can't happen because the bins are to big so now I have to come up with another plan and I will but damn it there is nothing I hate more then someone going behind our backs and changing things without asking permission, I had the same thing happen to us last year, I can't go into it on here but the response I got back to me is it's easier to ask forgiveness then permission, well that was the wrong thing to say to me pissed me off for months hahaahahaha. There are some changes going to happen around here very soon and as much as I am looking forward to them happening I am also stressed about it because I know a certain person is not going to be happy at all and could possibly make life uncomfortable for a while living here but it has to be done so I will just have to suck it up and deal with what happens but I don't have to like it hahahahaha. The good news is almost all the snow that fell the other day is gone again but and this is a big but they are calling for more snow this week arrrgggggg what can you do, not a hell of a lot for some reason I don't have a wand I can use to change the weather when I want, I know, someone forgot to inform who ever is in charge that I was to get a wand so now I have to sit and wait for spring like I am some normal person and it sucks 😏.  I got our income tax done and sent off another good year return I can't wait for this year before we get anything else I am getting a new computer, I was supposed to get one last year but I has mine fixed so we used the money for other things then 4 months later the computer's motherboard died, just figured thank goodness a very good friend of mine gave me a computer to get me through till I get my new one. My computer guy is going with me to shop for what I need I trust him with my life him and his wife are the best kind of friends you can ever have. We are very blessed with the friends we have, such good people just make life so much interesting and fun. For the most part we have a bit of bartering between us, I cut there hair for free and they help with computer and car stuff for us, it's a great help I think I get the better deal but they tell me we are all even. Well I think I will try and watch a show for a bit and maybe try and eat some soup broth it's a chance to try but I am hungry and I am not going anywhere today, it's a good thing we have two bathrooms in this house .......

You have got to be kidding me!!!!!!!!

Snow damn it snow again and it's snowing right now it's a winter wonderland out there again, it looks pretty but what the hell !!!!!  someone is playing a horrible trick on me and I am not impressed, I was just getting ready to clean up the garden there was only a small amount of snow left that hadn't melted and now it's all gone to hell in a basket out there lol. For some reason when I woke up and saw it was snowing and that the ground has a couple inches already all I could do is laugh my hubby was watching to see if I started to cry or not poor guy has been through a long and worrisome winter with me because of my depression and anxiety and S.A.D.  but what the hell can you do sometimes you just have to laugh oh sure I was mad as heck but I am trying to look on the good side of this, like at least we will have lots of water this year, this will mean I spend more time cleaning and sorting the house out, I can have more time for writing, oh who I am I kidding all I can say is CRAP ON A CRACKER!!!!!!!! ty bang theory lol. I had plans to go to the dollar store today and now I am thinking maybe I should stay home because you just know that there is going to be idiots ou ton the road who have forgotten how to drive in snow again, just not worth the anger and anxiety they give me not for the dollar store lol  oh well maybe tomorrow you know when I wake up and all of this is just a rude dream and the yard will be all melted and warm just right for me to start working in the garden and I can laugh and laugh at myself for thinking it snowed again, well okay I can dream can't I hahahahaha. 

Hello World !!!!

😜 hahahahaha how long I have been here and never knew I had funny faces, way to funny what a dweeb I am. Today has been boring and stressful and it is 4:30pm were I am and I have just in the last 10 minutes gone nuts lol, okay here it is I have been watching a YouTube guy named Peter and omg some days he is so over the moon crazy that all I can do is laugh my fat ass off, just can't help it he gets me in the funniest mood I swear it's like I have had a large regular coffee and suffering from the caffeine high, anyone else go through that, this is something that puzzles me have you ever known somebody who walks into a room and sucks all the air out and you feel like they tore your sole away as they leave the room and it takes for like ever to get your mood back, then there are some people who you can just have short bits of time with them, you love them and care about them but it's like they just have so much life they are over powering, so it's like I will dip my foot in the pool but no way I am going to dive in, myself well I am kind of a person who is a story teller it takes me ten minutes to explain something that my hubby can say with two words hahahahaha, and yes I dabble in gossip now and then I like it as long as I am not saying or hearing hurtful stuff I am all good. All day I have been struggling with stress about something that isn't going to happen till the 8th of next month, god I hate that about me, I try to remind myself to live in the moment but there are times that I enjoy my stress wayyyy to much, sometimes dealing with a stressful situation for a few days before the event, helps me to clarify just what I need to say or how I need to react or gets me to a place in my head so I can prepare for what is going to come, that's me that's how I roll sometimes and my hubby hates it, see he is the type of person who in a matter of 8 minutes can go from flipping out full of stress angry maybe shout calm down and forget it, I'm like what the hell was that? did anyone see that tornado that just went by? lol maybe it is a man thing could be cause let me tell you it takes me hours sometimes days to get over a strong emotion it's like I have to live in it for a while digest it and vacate it before I can forget it and if you add anger to the pot look out cause I may boil over at any moment, there is nothing that pisses me off more then the 8 minutes I mean what is that? it takes me 8 minutes to shift from one emotion to the next let alone go through all of them and chill out and forget move on, it's not human I tell ya hahahahahaha.  Spring maybe that is what is going on with me cause I am sure I took my meds today hummmm better look   yup I did can't blame it on them I think it is spring in the air, almost all the snow has melted from my yard I can almost get into my garden to clean it up and get ready to plant again this year I am just so damn excited to get going, a friend of mine gave me a bunch of flower bulbs and seeds and I am biting at the bit to get my hands dirty and begin. I have some excellent dirt I have been composting full of rabbit poop, leaves and food, it's funny not very many people have friend who come over to take a bag of poop home for there garden lol, rabbit poop is the best for gardens and having 3 rabbit's works out to a fare amount of poop hahahahaha, everyone freaks out at me because I don't wear gloves when I clean, I use a scrapper to put it in my buckets then it sits in a garbage pail to cook for a couple months then I add it to my dirt, what is the difference then working in my garden all day with no gloves to that, I don't care it's mot like I don't wash my hands. I have tried gloves many times I just can't work with them doesn't matter what they are made of they all feel ooggy on my hands, could be why I have no nails and my hands look weathered big deal I was always told hands tell the story of your life and well mine is full of poop and dirt hahahahahahaha......🐇🐇🐇 

Rabbit Book info

I am getting excited because next Wed I have my first meeting with the artist that will be doing the pictures for me and I am so looking forward to our meet up, I also just sent off an email asking my vet if I can add them to my book and who would I talk to about that, I am hoping they say yes, what would be great is if they say yes and also want a few books to sell at the vets that would be great just not sure how much it will be to print for right now I am thinking of doing a Kindle book maybe I can just set up a sign for people to find the book that might be a good idea. I had plans to write all winter but my depression kicked in big time and I also was sick most of the winter so I didn't get a lot done but spring is on its way and I am looking forward to sitting in my back yard and writing again. I have a few idea's for a couple books I am also considering publishing my life's journey book I wrote, just will have to change some names and if possible use a different publisher name cause I was very honest about everything and I really don't want some people who know me or some who are in the book to judge me or take credit at all for the reason I wrote it. It's been almost two weeks since I moved the rabbit's and the doves outside it has made a huge difference to how I am feeling just makes me so happy they have a larger area to run around and the doves can fly and do the bird things again. I almost had to bring them back in because after four days of nice weather we went back into a cold snap and had a huge dump of snow but moving them in and out is very difficult for me it's a lot of work so instead I went to the dollar store and got a bunch of shower curtains and wrapped the barn plus I gave them two heat lamps one for the birds and one for the rabbit's and a heated water bowl so they are doing great, it took me a couple nights of trying to sleep on the couch before I could relax enough and not worry so much about a fire or something other terrible to happen but as usual it is all going just fine and I am finally sleeping, still takes me till almost 3am to fall asleep but when I do I crash till 10am, my head is starting to clear up and every day I get a bit stronger, still have a cough but it's nothing to worry about so things are looking up. Just in the nick of time I might add because this week I have a company coming in to clean all the ducts in the house and then right after that we have our house inspections happening so for the last two days I have been cleaning and moving stuff so they can get to the ducts, I still have a few things I need to clean up but I needed to take a break for a bit, I could go for a nap I am so tired but I don't want to do that cause I need to sleep tonight to be ready for strangers in my house tomorrow and I hate that always sets my anxiety high cause you just don't know what kind of person they will be, it's a good thing my hubby will be home from work shortly after they arrive. Well I think I will go and fix a salad cause I just realized I haven't ate today and that is why I have a bit of a headache duhhhhhh. 

Some people are just a piece of shit.

I guess you can tell I am pissed, it seems like I am rolling down a hill and with every turn I am grabbing more anger along the way and I am scared of what will happen when I stop. I am a good person I am not perfect in any way but if I have one good fault is I am over generous at times. When our co-op founder passed away a couple years ago I stepped up big time, I took on the work of going through all the files in the office and sorting and organizing things, I worked in the office at least 5 days a week sometimes more from 9am till 1pm sometimes till 5pm and to top it off at the end of the day I would bring papers home to sort in the evening why because I was having such a blast doing it, it made me feel good to help out, and I thought what I was doing was important, so for almost 4 months I worked my ass off  and then I slowed down and worked just 3 days a week cause I had a good grasp of what was left to sort and were everything was, so I felt so good that I had accomplished so much and was very proud of what I had done. The co-op gave me a bit of money for all the work and that was amazing I didn't expect it and never would have asked for it so the gift was a nice surprise for sure. Now it's been about 4 1/2 months since I have worked in the office because I had to take the winter off because of my depression and anxiety and the time away has been good but I planned on going back in and working more in a few weeks to keep sorting and filing and I was so looking forward to the work and then my world got shit on so bad that I am beyond mad, have you ever spent a huge amount of work on a project and have some people to your face tell you what a terrific job you did and that if it wasn't for you they all would be lost? well that is what was said to me a few times, made me feel great till a couple nights ago when I found out that someone has been telling everyone that I fucked up all the files and threw out papers that I wasn't supposed to and now they have to re sort everything again!!!!!!,  I have never felt like someone has kicked me in the gut and poured peroxide in the wound, after all the time I spent and how hard I worked and to top it all off I never said I was trained in office filing from the beginning I had a plan set up with this person as to how I was going to sort files and all the time I worked everything was fantastic terrific job, but we have two new neighbors that have not been here to see all the work I had to do or what I did and she is telling them that, I am so embarrassed hurt pissed off and down right livid that all day today I have had to stop myself from going to her door and blowing up in her face, but what the hell for this is not the first time she has said shit about me or any of the other people that live here to make herself look the better person or make people feel sorry for her so no matter what I said or did it wouldn't change who she is, so no I stay home and dare her to knock on my door or phone me but she won't because she is a chicken shit, but I have a plan I decided that at the next meeting when she and she will ask because no one else wants to work with her but when she asks me to help her in the office I am going to say in front of everyone, no I think I have been ridiculed for fucking all the papers up in the office to last me a life time so I will pass!!!!!!!  We will see how that goes over, I am done I put myself out there being a huge help and fuck you is all I get, so my hubby has put his foot down and I am not allowed to work in the office hahahahaha but really I have no plan to ever sort or file anything in the office till she moves the fuck away from here, so to this date she has managed to piss everyone off in the co-op at least once and most a few times, why is there always one mother fricker who has to make a good situation terrible, I just don't get it, it's just shitty drama and I am way to old to put up with that kind of shit I lived with drama for most of my life and I have finally gotten strong enough to say fuck you just keep on walking and take your shit to another sucker cause I am done and over it being me..........

There is nothing I hate more then having shitty news follow good news

I have an attitude and it doesn't seem to be getting any better, I am just so fricken angry all the time there are a few reasons for all this anger so I understand where it is coming from but shit I need to get a hold of it before I say or do something stupid. We did get good news found out a couple days ago that our co-op did get the loan we wanted so all our windows and doors will be replaced starting in March, I am super excited about that maybe our bills will go down because all the heat won't be flowing out the cracks, I put plastic on the windows and that helps but would be nice if I didn't have to bother doing that every winter. I am a bit worried about having people here and working on our windows and stuff I get very nervous about that kind of stuff so I hope it is nice so I can sit outside and keep away from it all but guess I will deal with all that when it starts, so that was the good news that I was very happy to hear about. Then I was informed that the co-op wants to have a service done on each unit to clear the ducts and dryer vents now I am happy about that I have been here for almost 16 years and they have never been done but I am pissed that each unit has to pay half the bill now the bill won't be a huge amount but that's not what bothers me and maybe this is the wrong way to look at this but I just saved the co-op thousands of dollars by getting the ecap to bring me a free furnace plus they are going to replace 5 other furnaces in the near future so why can't they take the payment out of that money?  I may be getting petty about things because I am in a pissy mood and if I am well I am sure I will get over it but that's not all that I am mad about, I think the bigger part that I am mad about is someone who has lived here for a very short time is treating me like I am stupid and don't know how a co-op runs, I have been living here for almost 16 years I damn well know how a co-op runs and don't need someone who has been here for under 4 months try and tell me what is what. You know the saying there is to many cooks in the kitchen well that is what is happening here and I have had enough, you get in a room with 4 or 5 headstrong people and try and have a productive and positive meeting, ya not going to happen, I am just so damn tied of it all, it's bull shit to me, having to step away from co-op business for the last 2 months just hasn't been enough time I guess cause I sure as hell am not going to sit around a bunch of rude and inconsiderate hotheads trying to see who can over talk each other the most I don't have the time and frankly my time is way to important to me to waste it on this shit, so for the next week I am going to try and find something or someone to talk to to relieve this anger I have before I blow a fricken gasket all over this place........

Worry Worry Fret Fret lol

That was my song of the day, I have been sick all winter and I am so sick of being sick and I am also so fricken tired of comments about what to do to make myself not be sick, thank you to the people that get it but the others can go kiss my ass, telling me I need to go see a doctor and get help or take more vitamins or??????  really you really think I need all this advice shoved down my throat, for one my doctor is very aware of how things are going for me and she is doing everything she can to help me get passed the winter blues and depression, we changed my meds a bit to see if that will help shut my head off a bit so I can sleep more then 3 hours a night and we are keeping a good eye on my blood pressure cause it tends to go low when I am sick and that just makes it harder to get better and ya some days like yesterday all I can do is cry and feel sorry for myself have a pity party for an hour, I really don't think that is a big deal let me have my moments then I get passed it and start fighting again and guess what I am winning everyday I win just a bit more, I had a bit of a set back and my cough is back again but I managed to get through all of today without breaking down so booooyaaaaa to me lol. Oh brb have to go check on my brats..... they are all doing well the heat lamps are working fine so maybe tonight I will sleep I can hope. Anyways so one day at a time that is all I can work at I just get tired of  feeling like crap and you push and you push all that you can to make everyday just a bit better, you would think that by the time Feb hits every year I would get it that every year till about the middle of Feb I struggle because the sun is coming out more and the snow is melting and it's all I can do to be patient for planting my garden but every year and if I think about it as I get older I think it hits just a bit harder because my patience level is that much lower so I just need to shut the hell up and take a breath and relax a bit and stop getting over emotional about something that will pass in like a week or two damn it, get a hold of yourself  hahahaha, Today when I was hanging the heat lamps I got so excited because I could smell my winter onions already, see it doesn't take much to make me happy all I can think about is having some poached eggs with onion on toast, if my tummy agrees maybe tomorrow will have to see I managed to keep my supper down tonight thank god was touch and go for about an hour but I did it. You know what is so bad I could scream for a huge bowl of chocolate pudding hahahahaha when ever I am feeling like this I know it is because I need some calcium and iron so tomorrow I am making a batch of spinach and I can hardly wait, I would make it right now but I don't want to push my tummy it's been three days of just having a bit of apple and cheese was going to have soup but couldn't get passed opening it without belly flops so put that back, I need to get some lipton chicken noodle soup I can always eat that in a mug my favorite but I forgot to get some last time I went to get food, maybe I can sneak off to the store tomorrow not going to count on it cause I have no idea from day to day if I will be able to leave the house without being nauseous, so that's how my exciting life has been, I know can Yardley contain the excitement, tomorrow is bath day for the birds now that is a happy time something to look forward to.....