Cleaning Day

Just got everyone cleaned up and fresh, love cleaning days smells so good in the pet room. Rabbit's got new paper and chips fresh water of course, do this everyday but I clean there bowl every 3 days, got some carrot tops and fresh seeds for a treat, Doves got clean paper, water and more food, and the rest got clean paper and fresh water, now I get to sit for half an hour for my treat hahahahaha. I have a perfect system going after I put everything in a garbage bag I open the window and toss it down to land in the garbage bin I have set up right under the window, do this for 3 days then I roll it out and dump it in the dumpster, so much easier then putting it in a bin and carrying it to the dumpster, although once we get a lot of snow I will have to move the bin to the carport to roll over but for now it works great, and my neighbor likes the idea so much she does the same when cleaning her upstairs instead of walking the bag down the stairs lol. I am having a good day so far today, got showered and cleaned up before cleaning cause I knew I was going to need to sit for a bit after all that, I actually got to sleep last night from midnight till 10am today so feeling not to bad so far. I have a bit of tremors but not bad thank god, so today I am going to attempt to make some buns well that is the plan, I will be using my bread machine and then shaping and letting them rise in the oven and hopefully they turn out. I have made 4 loaves of bread in the last couple weeks and only two turned out, after my third try I asked my fiend what the heck I was doing wrong, the bread tasted great but the top sunk in and it falls apart when cutting what a mess, so she gave me some advise and I tried another one yesterday and tada turned out perfect, and after I was thinking about it and had a duhhh moment, you see I was following the recipe and it called for five cups of flour, well if I put that much in it over flows big time so I only put four cups and forgot to lessen the water and butter so was super moist and fell apart hahahaha, if my head was on straight right now I would have figured it out but sure glad my friend was happy to help me out, no longer wasting my time. I made a chocolate mug cake last night for a treat, now if I could just get that figured out it always comes out to dry for what I like oh well on a good note I don't make them very much because of that lol. My new meal I have been having in the last 3 days I have been so happy with it, I got one of those hams in a can, now I usually hate them but my hubby likes them so I got one, well I take some ham and fry it up a bit break it all up into chunks add two eggs I have wiped up and make an omelet with a little pepper and a slice of cheese and omg it is so good, I need to go to the dollar store and buy a couple more cans and get more eggs but I am not able to drive right now so will have to wait for a couple days, maybe after I can get a bit more sleep I will be able to go out in the world again, would be nice. A couple of my friends came for hair cuts yesterday, was so good to sit and chat with someone for a bit, I miss my friends, before I used to go to there house to cut there hair so all through the winter I never see any of them, but now they come to me during the winter and I am so glad cause even though my social phobia is high in winter I do much better in my own home, funny cause they said to me why didn't we do this a long time ago so we can still visit in the winter hahahahaha, it makes a huge difference to me to have visit's now and then, it's fine to have my hubby to talk to but it's good to have others to chat at and talk about other things then food and bills. Hubby is home for the next couple days that will be nice to see him with him working nights now I don't see him unless I want to watch him sleep and snore like a train lol it's a laugh for a few minutes but after that it gets old hahahahaha. Well it's 2pm so I think I will go and start my buns, hope everyone is having a great day and let's hope tomorrow is just as great....

Boom Shakalaka Boom Shakalaka

Would someone please take this out of my head lol, for the past I bet 10 minutes I have been saying it over and over, I think I had just a little to much diet Pepsi today, you think?  Today I woke up around 9:30am because the guy's were coming over to adjust our front door so it doesn't screech at me when you open the door, they were supposed to be here at 11 am but showed up at 10 so it's a good thing I got up when I did, took them all of 3 min and it was done, I could have done it myself but if I did that the warranty will be gone so I let the guy's handle it. I managed to go visit a friend for a couple hours so I would say that today has been pretty good, I have had a few moments of tremors and panic but not to bad so I am very thankful for that. Tomorrow I am going out for a bit just down the road from our place so should be okay to go but will see in the morning cause with my mood swings right now I can't plan on anything. Hubby is home for 3 days after working 6 days so he is happy, at least I will see him for a bit in between his Xbox games hahahaha, yes he is addicted but it doesn't bother me to much cause at least he is home with me if I need him. It's such a dull life we live, I wish we could go see a movie now and then or go out to dinner but it's better for me to just set up a movie and watch it at home, no use paying to see a movie and have my anxiety kick in and have to leave, this way if I have to go lay down we just pause the show and get back to it or he just sits and watches it through. Besides the fact we can't afford to go out to eat now with my hubby having diabetes and me with food anxiety it just isn't worth the hassle, who wants to sit down to a nice meal and have to get up and drive as fast as you can home so you don't crap your pants hahahaha I know funny but reality for me. I will say that I do miss going out for a nice Cesar salad with corn meal bun, some day I should just go and pick it up and bring it home or make it myself, we do always have salad or we try to have it in the house all the time because we both love it but not sure if it is just my taste buds or what but I don't like the dressing that we usually get, I find it way to tart. My bed is calling me I swear it is, I have been trying to stay awake till at least 9pm but not sure I will make it, I seem to be sleeping a bit better the last couple days so maybe my meds have leveled out for me, I should have just kept the dose at what it was but my doc wanted me to try so I did try for a week well almost 2 weeks and it just wasn't working for me, I have enough struggle through the winter as it is then to be sitting crying all day about nothing, I could be in the middle of doing the dishes and wham crying starts, nose starts to run just a hot mess, so I went back to my original dose and feel much better, still have the tremors and anxiety through the day but I can handle that better then sobbing all the time. I have put my mood light up and have been using it as I sit on the computer and I think that has also made a difference. Well I think I will have some sleepy time tea and get ready to sleep tomorrow I have set my clock to ring at 9am so will see how it goes but I have to train my sleep again so I am not sleeping through my day so much, fingers crossed I think I can I think I can  oh great a new one in my head this may be a long night hahahahaha....

I'm Broken

Hahahahahaha or as my brother say's I am cursed, he is so funny  not, damn period time again I swear I just had it a week ago but sure explains why I am in such a mood the last few days. Last night I ate 2 donuts and a bag of chips and if I had chocolate I would have ate that also lol, I don't usually have donuts because I find them way to sweet for me and I haven't had chips potato chips in months but yesterday I had to go grab some shavings for cages and stopped at the store and couldn't help myself, can you imagine how I am feeling today hahahahaha I bet you can, I feel like I was dragged behind a car for a few blocks serves me right but damn was good going in lol. I am not sure what the heck is going on with my sleep cause I still have a hard time getting to sleep but I was awake at 7am today and had to get up, sure hope this is going to keep happening so I can spend more time awake in the day then sleeping. Hubby is starting to get used to staying awake longer at night, in a way it is good for me because by the time he comes to bed I am totally asleep and he doesn't wake me coming in the room, but I hate that I get to see him for about half an hour then he is off to work again, but one thing has been a bonus, because I have so much time during the day to myself I have started to sew again, so far I have made 2 short dresses and a pair of leggings, and today I am cutting out a couple more pants and some shorts I want to make to go under the short dresses. I have an idea I want to try out it's a blanket that you make using just your hands but I want to make one out of material scraps, the hard part is going to be cutting them and sewing them together but I think I can do it, I am going to start with a small blanket and see what it turns out like. I also am thinking about making the big clothes wardrobe I just got into a kitchen cupboard instead of a bird cage because I would love to have my microwave and toaster off my counter and I think I can put all my pots and pans, spices and other dishes. I am going to measure and see what I can come up with, I will have to make some shelves for it so it might be a spring job cause I can't get to my table saw right now, put all that away for the winter, and it is a heavy bitch to move from upstairs to down, who knows I may change my mind again I do that a lot through the winter lol. Well it's almost noon so I guess I will get dressed today or at least put some clean pjs on, I was going to go help a friend pack up her place to sell but not sure I can do that today with my damn cramps, I think I will throw a party when my period is done and gone forever now that will be a blessed day for sure....... 

Hello World

Are we just a bit manic today hahahahaha I must admit I like being in a better mood and if it wasn't for the anxiety paranoid I would stay here and enjoy it. Yesterday was a complete right off so glad today I at least have been able to function a bit, I even got to go to the dollar store, I know waahhhooo lol. It's afternoon and I am starting to crash feel like I could sleep again but if I do that I won't sleep tonight. I need to eat something but have no idea what I can have that won't make me nauseous after, maybe some tuna, I wish we had salad but we don't even have that in the house, hubby is going to give me some money for food maybe tomorrow, sure hope I feel up to going to get some or we will be eating a lot of peanut butter for the next while lol. I think I will go and play a game for a bit, when I feel down I always cheer up when I play my hidden objects game keeps my mind going. 

Bloody Hell

Not doing so great today actually pretty bad day, if anyone is reading this and suffers with anxiety and depression well then you know what kind of day I had. I am 52 years old and it doesn't get any easier, I keep thinking it will I keep telling myself that if I just hang on another year but let's face it the facts are I will probably have to deal with this shit my whole life and I am not sure if I am sad, angry, frustrated or scared. Okay without going into all the details of my past life I just think I am pissed right off actually I am in rage right now and you know why, because by no fault of my own something horrible happened to me when I was very young, I was abused by someone and it changed who I was supposed to be it set in motion how my life was going to go down a path, one that I have been fighting to stay alive with for over 49 years and why am I mad as hell, because here I sit a broken person, afraid of life, afraid of my own shadow suffering with depression, anxiety, panic attaches, social phobia, obese and S.A.D. I live with this every day it's with me from the moment I wake till the last moment before sleep and then if I am lucky it will follow me into sleep as well, and I fight I fight to stay just above the breaking point, feeling the gray depth pulling at me,wondering how much longer I can take it and scared for the answer. This is my life not every second oh no in between the dark moments the light comes through just long enough to convince myself that the depth has gone and maybe I will stay in the light for as long as I can, getting my hopes up that maybe I can look for work and be functional, maybe I can go visit a friend hell just step out my door and feel safe I would love that and I strive for those moments and then when reality hits me again all I can do is hope that I have enough stubbornness left in me to fight through the depth to the light again. And then I think, I think about the person who started all this, I think about the fact that they are living there life probably not giving one second of thought about how I am struggling, that because of the kind of person they are they feel they did nothing wrong and I should just get over it but damn it that's when the anger and rage comes, why the hell do they get to live there life free and clear not giving one thought as to what they did, I kept it a secret for most of my life, it's to late to make them pay, that part I a not mad at myself about I did what I could to protect myself I didn't know better, I just crawled up inside myself and thinking if I just don't think about it it will go away,WELL IT WON'T it doesn't work that way instead I go through my life with all this baggage of pain constantly telling myself I did nothing wrong this was not my fault, despite the fact that I do at times feel it was my fault, every action has a reaction and I am totally aware of that, I know I have made some bad choices in my life, I know as an adult I should be able to correct some paths I have taken and I do. At my age now I have come to the decision that there are just some things I will not push myself to do things that make me work myself into a panic I just stopped doing, I am not happy about it in fact I feel like a failure in so many ways, it makes me frustrated, angry and exhausted. trying to explain to someone why I am the way I am I just don't have the energy or care, it's not a priority in my life, you know what is my priority, pushing through staying stubborn, doing something just one thing every day to make myself have some kind of pride in myself, telling myself girl don't even think about the person who started all this, there life is insignificant just go about your day doing the best that you can, that's all you can do is the best that you can, and I try, I do but some days the rage and anger comes and it's all I can think about. One day I hope I will  get past this that's what I keep telling myself.  

S.A.D.

Well it has begun lol, my moods are all over the place, one minute I am feeling good then I hit bottom and sit and cry, I am just so tired of this roller coaster. I am totally aware that a lot of what is happening right now is because my pill dose got changed and I am not reacting to it well, doc thought if she upped my night pill I would sleep better and in a way it has helped some, I am still up till 4am but then I crash till noon and that is the nights I do fall asleep, all last night I laid in bed and tossed an turned I just couldn't get to rem sleep till about 7am and I had to be up for 10am so today is going to suck for sure. The worst part is changing my pills has not helped my head to settle in fact I have so many voices in my head right now I can't even hear myself and that is not a good place for me to be, so I have decided on my own that I am going back to the dose I was taking and hope to hell this will settle down before winter kicks in big time. I am ever so grateful for the sun lamp a friend of mine gave me a few years ago, think I will be setting that up soon today. My tremors are back and I am craving chocolate big time so I know my calcium is low. I haven't had the erg to eat except vegetables and fruit, last night I had spinach and perogies not the best of dinners oh and I had some apple with peanut butter later on in the evening just to get some protein in me, I guess for this part I am glad my hubby went back to night shifts cause I don't have to make him supper I can have whatever I want. Today I am having tuna well that is the plan but I have to wait till I am not nauseous, hope it will go away before to long. So ya hubby went back to evenings not by choice that's for sure and I am not happy at all about it but what can I do, he is now working 4pm till midnight, in some ways I like it because it gives me time for myself but in the other hand I hate it because we don't see each other except for me to watch him sleep, so it sucks. The poor guy is having such a hard time because he now has to change when he takes his diabetic pills  and when he eats and he just finally had it figured out for days. My neighbor is having a birthday party he is turning 10, I can't hear a thing hahahahaha they must be outside in the snow having fun, think I will go and watch for a bit always is a great sight to make me smile and today I need that big time........