Sleep Tremors

Today is going to be a ruff day I have been having terrible sleep the last few weeks and last night was no different except from about 6am till I woke up around 10:30am I had sleep tremors, it's bad enough when I have them awake but when it starts to happen in my sleep I know things are going to be ruff for a bit. I am still fighting this damn cold and I think I have gotten worse this last two days because now my hubby also is sick with it and we seem to be passing it back and forth and it's not something I enjoy sharing lol. I did something very new to me this last week a friend of mine put gel nails on one hand, we couldn't do both because I had to come home before my body freaked out, I am glad that I have learned the signs now that let me know I am going to have a panic or tremors so it's best if I can just come home but we did or I should say she did manage to do the one hand but they didn't last I lost all the tips of the nails in like two days hahahaha  not her fault at all besides the fact she is just learning how to do them and has never done anyone else nails so I am sure if she wants to try again I would love to have all done but next time I will have to have mine a bit thicker so they don't bend and snap off. I haven't had nails ever till I was about ten my mom would trim mine all the time and then I started to bite them just like my mom used to bite hers so this was a trial time for me and I am glad we only did one hand so I could try it out and well I like it and will for sure have it done again if the opportunity comes again. Today at about 5pm my friend is coming to pick up his car, it's going to be sad for me hahahaha but sure was fun while I had it this last time. I sure would like to get a car like that one it is a Toyota Yaris and omg what fun, I love that you sit higher so I can see more all around me but for a small car it sure has a kick when you put it in gear it just wants to go, I don't drive fast anymore but I do like the kick to get going lol. Well I am going to have some hot tea and clean my office see if I can get these damn tremors to settle down I might even sew today, I just hope I won't have to fight this all day but if I have to I just keep in mind that the mess will be here another day so I don't have to get it all done at once, plus it is trick or treat night so I want to get myself together so I can watch a Stephen King show like I do every Halloween .

Fricken ass

So I have been sick for about a week now and today was our co-op's fall clean up and I couldn't go help and I was feeling bad about that but there is always enough leaves to rake in a few days so that is fine but then there is a knock on my door and one of the guy's who lives here stormed over and wanted to use the ride on to mow the back end of the lot and I said no it was voted on that only I would be using the mower and he flips out on me and well it was the worst time for that to happen not that there is a good time but right now I am so stressed out and my anxiety is on over drive so I took it very bad, he had a point the mower is the co-op's and he thinks all who want to learn how to drive it should be able to and now that I have a had a couple days to calm down I agree to a point, I still feel that it shouldn't be open to all using it because it's not necessary so I compromised and the two of us will share the job so if I am to sick to do the mow he will do it for me, so in the end we figured it out but it has taken me two days to calm down and get over the aggressive way he talked to me, I felt bullied into letting him use it and because I was sick I didn't have the strength to fight him on it, he did apologize to me and I do know that he didn't mean for me to feel bullied it is just in his nature that he approaches every conversation like a challenge, kind of I am man beat my chest and hear me roar lol, so I know that is part of who he is but that doesn't mean I will accept him talking to me like that and I flat our told him to his face that I didn't deserve to be talked to in that manner as tears were flowing from my face, and then I was even madder because I allowed him to get me worked up to cry about it instead of kicking his ass about his behavior. I detest the fact that I can't help but feel weak about myself because I am so afraid  of conflict now, I used to be able to be a complete bitch when I needed to be and now all I do is break down and cry and it sucks, I want to be the person who stands up for myself and be strong enough to not allow anyone treat me in that way or anyone else. Every year I feel myself  becoming less and less of who I am because of this damn anxiety and depression, it's like rolling down a hill in a cart and you want to stop but you have no damn breaks and I have no idea how to fix me so to speak, all I can do is keep pressing on and pray that I don't become so afraid of everything that I lock myself in my house away from the world, I get it why so many people give up I mean how long  can you fight your own body till you just don't want to do it anymore?  I have lost so much of me in the last few years but I am not ready to throw in the towel as of yet, thank god I have the Lanoue stubborn streak built in me very strong cause I am sure that is why I haven't given up I just damn it hate to let it win, so here I am fighting and thank god I do have some victories like in the last week I have drove my friends car to a town about 15 min away from my home and I made it I am still in shock I could do it because I haven't drove out of Vernon for over 4 years but I trust her car and I took all the steps I have to do to make it easier, not eat or drink before I went and so forth, she needed my help and she is always here for me so I just fought every nerve that kept telling me to stay home, I think it also helped that I just told myself if I get scared even if I am half way there I can turn around and come home and I did it but the bugger of it all is next week I may try to go again and I won't be able to it's so maddening as hell but who knows maybe I will be fine I just never know till I get in the car to go...

Eye's are running lava

Man I am  not feeling well, my eyes are burning and running and my head feels like a vise grip has a hold of me, not what I wanted to have this week or ever actually. I am not sure if it is allergy's or if i am getting sick, because of my meds I can't take anything without asking my doc first so guess I will have to go see her again if it doesn't settle down soon. I kind of wonder if it is the hay or straw for the rabbit's but I will give it a few more days then I will change there cage and go without straw for a week and see how that goes but I have an idea it is a cold coming because my throat feels funny and I have a cough , oh well guess I will have to lay around the house for a few days and take a break, that part of it I am happy to do because I have been running my self down the last week helping my friend get packed and ready to leave town, I would do it all again even if I do get sick because she has been here for me so many times when I needed help. Hubby brought food home for me today that was so nice of him I am very glad because I for sure don't want to stand and cook something and in fact I am heading to bed for a nap right after this, even with my glasses on my eyes are hurting from looking on the computer so I guess I will have to take a break from here as much as that pains me to think about lol. The tree's are turning and getting ready to shed there leaves, next weekend is our clean up not sure I will be well enough to go and help will have to see, I am not to worried about it because with all the work I do around the co-op all year I have put in my time by far. I hear my bed calling so will sign off and head to rst land for a bit....

Not great to well okay not bad

So for the last week I have been so busy helping a friend of mine re pack her one house because she is heading back to Mexico for the winter and the house may have sold so we have been organizing and packing sorting but mostly having such a good visit trying to get as much together time as we can to get me through the winter lol, I am sore and tired but it's a good tired, also helps that she gave me her car for the month for helping out so I have been having a blast driving her car, it's been fun driving to the house it is about 20 min away, been a long time since I have drove on the highway so was stressful but I did it and it feels good to accomplish that much. We have a bit more to pack up and then she will be off and I miss her already but for her health she has to go but it feels like forever before she will be coming back it's a good thing we have computers and the phone lol. Today it was wet and damp a bit of a chill so I was going to spend my day wrapped up with tea cause I have a bit of a cough and can feel that something is on it's way but then I have a knock on the door and I forgot it was our end of mortgage party for the co-op, so I got dressed up warm and went and I am glad I did, we had burgers,chili, veggies and cake was good I ate to much but was so good. they also set up a camp fire so we all sat around the fire and just chatted with everyone, it was nice but also sad for me because Pauline wasn't there to celebrate with us, it's been a year since she passed away and I still miss her so much, I got to bring the left over cake home hahahahaha like we need more cake good thing it is really sweet so we can't eat more then a small chunk lol. I am ready for bed but trying to stay up till 9pm really hope I sleep tonight last night I fell asleep at about 9 but was up at 11 and tossed and turned the rest of the night finally fell back to sleep by 5am and slept till noon, god I hate nights like that feels like I have slept the whole day away. Yesterday I went and got an apple core from the dollar store, what a good idea I got all the apples cored and sliced in half an hour instead of being 2 hours of cutting, so we have half a freezer of apples slices, we like to make muffins and apple crisp, I also make my rabbit's some apple cookies for a treat for them so was nice to be able to go pick most of the apples off the tree while my friend still owns them lol, there is probably enough for another huge box full but I don't have the space for them so the deer and the bear will enjoy the treats. I sure wish I could win the lottery and buy the house, they did such a great job of fixing it up but I guess I would have to buy a ticket to win and I keep forgetting lol. Well I think I will go fix some tea and do the dishes, oh I also am getting a dishwasher in a couple days it's a portable one and small but will be great to help me with my hands I have a hard time holding the pans and dishes to wash so will be nice to have less to worry about. Let's keep our fingers crossed that I sleep cause this girl does not do well on 3 hours of sleep I need more like 10 lol....

So the whirl wind of moods continue

Once again up till 4 am then slept till 10 but today I feel better, not sure if it is because of the ice coffee that I make, I cheat all I do is get instant coffee and add it to milk and I love it but this time I couldn't find decaff so it makes me a bit jittery but I got a lot done this morning because of it lol. It's okay once in a while but I have to be careful because of the crash that sometimes comes later. I have been sitting on the fence all day I was going to bring the doves inside today but of course it is sunny and nice today so I left them outside, really the longer they are outside the better because there winter cage is smaller so they don't get to fly so much but darn it the mice are eating me out of food lol, I hung there feed from the rafters so now they can't get to the bowl so they only get what the birds drop on the floor so that is helping but now they have decided the rabbit food is fare game, the buggers but my one rabbit does not like them in the bowl so he has been chasing them out, I hate to bring them in early but it will be nice to not be feeding all of them all winter. I was going to winterize the barn and let them stay out all winter but I just can't afford the stuff I need and plus they have to have way more food if they are outside so I figure for 3 months they can handle a smaller space. I do have a run set up in my big spare room so they still get to run around every 2nd day I kind of wish I could attach there cages to the run so they could run all the time but the mess would be way to much, at some point I would like to just set the spare room up for them but I have to cover the lower walls and put a different floor and right now I just don't have the funds but who knows I always have people giving me stuff for the brats so maybe I can work something out and if not it's not a huge deal because I have 3 large cages all connected for my 3 guy's so it's not like they don't have room I just like to spoil them all the time lol.. Yesterday I got my license waaahooo going without one for a couple months was horrible lol but I did save money cause I couldn't get to the dollar store so much. Funny thing is I didn't have a computer for 3 almost 4 months and I missed it so much but now thanks to my wonderful friends they gave me one I am back and I find I get so bored so fast and don't spend as much time on here as I used to but as the snow starts I am sure I will be back full force for a few months. I have started writing a new book it is called I am a stranger to myself, so far it is going well, I am hoping to write a book every winter it really helped me last year  to keep my mind on other things then my depression so I began again, I am amazed at the fact that I enjoy it so much, it's not something I thought I would stick with, I was sitting at the pharmacy and had a 20 min wait so I just started to write and away I go again. I have had my rabbit book edited and now I am working on getting the pictures done then I can start the publishing part not sure how well it will do but I know my family will support it so that is a start so who knows maybe this is what I should be doing wouldn't it be great if I could make some money also now that would be fantastic . The sun is out right now so I think I will run and get the bird feed I need and maybe I will grab some salad for me I think salad is going to be a great dinner....

P.S. I just read the part about the cages and run that is for the rabbit's not the doves hahahahaha

Blues are here

I have been struggling the past 2 weeks, as soon as the weather changes my mood changes and this year it has started early. Today I woke up tired and feel like I could go back to sleep for hours but I won't, yesterday I fell asleep on the couch about 3pm and slept till 5 and I had to struggle to wake up then and later as I tried to go to bed I couldn't sleep so I was up till 4am then hubby sent me to bed and I slept till 9 so sleep is just not happening again. I did finally go to my doctor this past weeks and I had no idea that I hadn't been to see her for a year, I was just going to the clinic and getting my pills really I though it had only been maybe 5 months so that tells you just how bad my head is again. Some days you just have to laugh just to get through like the other day friends of mine came over and I went to make them coffee and tea and put the water in the mug and in the micro and pushed start, then I heard a crackle and turned it off I forgot you can't put gold rimmed cups in there, just not thinking straight at all, not to mention we visited for about an hour and so many times I had to ask them to repeat what they said cause I kept drifting off, god I hate that, I am so lucky my friends understand and I am not trying to be rude. Talking is a hit and miss also, I will go to say something and blurt out the wrong word or mix up the letters in the word at least that is usually funny so I can laugh at that part. I guess in the last 2 months I have been under more stress then I thought I was. I have been dealing with the Ecap program getting everyone's applications in and emailing back and forth to first one girl then they fired her and now I am dealing with another guy who is way better and easier to deal with thank god but it has been hard to keep my head straight and not get stressed about it. To top it all off I am fighting with some of the people in the co-op just to get them to sign the papers, I mean what the hell is that? who wouldn't want a free furnace or fridge so they are pissing me off to say the least. On a good note the guy's came and put our new fan in and then came back a week later and put our new furnace in, it is amazing way stronger then the one we had and the house heats up so fast so that is wonderful, the only problem was I had a few panic attacks before they got here and had to spend most of the day in my room, all the noises had me jumping so was a difficult day for both days but thank goodness my hubby was home both days so he dealt with the guys. But I must say all the guy's who were here were fantastic to me they all understood and worked as fast as they could and did such a great job. I think the other reason I am having a ruff time is my period was very late again like almost 60 days I think so my moods have been crazy with that, I did adjust my meds to get ready for winter but I think I might have to adjust them again in a month see how things go in the next couple weeks. My blood pressure is fantastic right now so that is a good thing, I am trying to get some new shoes so I can start to work out again my knee's are very sore but I can't afford vitamins right now so that is a big part of it plus we have been eating shit food cause we didn't have any money to get better stuff so my insides are all inflamed again so very happy about that  NOT.  Good thing GST comes on friday so I can go get some fruit and my cereal I need, for some strange reason Dean and I eat a lot of salad in the winter that's great for me and we eat porridge a lot also so that gives me a lot of fiber and I love it. We have been getting frozen veggies and Dean gets the california mix but I am going to have to get something else because I'm not supposed to eat broccoli or cauliflower and the carrot's are to big and hard for me I just don't like them so I guess I will have to get up early and go get food with him this time and I hate food shopping. I have to get the rabbit's and the doves set up for winter also, I think the rabbit's are going to be in the living room this winter and the doves can be upstairs will have to see how it goes, it's kind of easier if they are all upstairs but not a lot of room to work with plus I don't have a cage for the doves yet so have no idea what I am going to do with them yet. So today I am moving things around and seeing if I can set stuff up that's the plan but we will see how far I get with my head not in the game lol....