Fricken ass

So I have been sick for about a week now and today was our co-op's fall clean up and I couldn't go help and I was feeling bad about that but there is always enough leaves to rake in a few days so that is fine but then there is a knock on my door and one of the guy's who lives here stormed over and wanted to use the ride on to mow the back end of the lot and I said no it was voted on that only I would be using the mower and he flips out on me and well it was the worst time for that to happen not that there is a good time but right now I am so stressed out and my anxiety is on over drive so I took it very bad, he had a point the mower is the co-op's and he thinks all who want to learn how to drive it should be able to and now that I have a had a couple days to calm down I agree to a point, I still feel that it shouldn't be open to all using it because it's not necessary so I compromised and the two of us will share the job so if I am to sick to do the mow he will do it for me, so in the end we figured it out but it has taken me two days to calm down and get over the aggressive way he talked to me, I felt bullied into letting him use it and because I was sick I didn't have the strength to fight him on it, he did apologize to me and I do know that he didn't mean for me to feel bullied it is just in his nature that he approaches every conversation like a challenge, kind of I am man beat my chest and hear me roar lol, so I know that is part of who he is but that doesn't mean I will accept him talking to me like that and I flat our told him to his face that I didn't deserve to be talked to in that manner as tears were flowing from my face, and then I was even madder because I allowed him to get me worked up to cry about it instead of kicking his ass about his behavior. I detest the fact that I can't help but feel weak about myself because I am so afraid  of conflict now, I used to be able to be a complete bitch when I needed to be and now all I do is break down and cry and it sucks, I want to be the person who stands up for myself and be strong enough to not allow anyone treat me in that way or anyone else. Every year I feel myself  becoming less and less of who I am because of this damn anxiety and depression, it's like rolling down a hill in a cart and you want to stop but you have no damn breaks and I have no idea how to fix me so to speak, all I can do is keep pressing on and pray that I don't become so afraid of everything that I lock myself in my house away from the world, I get it why so many people give up I mean how long  can you fight your own body till you just don't want to do it anymore?  I have lost so much of me in the last few years but I am not ready to throw in the towel as of yet, thank god I have the Lanoue stubborn streak built in me very strong cause I am sure that is why I haven't given up I just damn it hate to let it win, so here I am fighting and thank god I do have some victories like in the last week I have drove my friends car to a town about 15 min away from my home and I made it I am still in shock I could do it because I haven't drove out of Vernon for over 4 years but I trust her car and I took all the steps I have to do to make it easier, not eat or drink before I went and so forth, she needed my help and she is always here for me so I just fought every nerve that kept telling me to stay home, I think it also helped that I just told myself if I get scared even if I am half way there I can turn around and come home and I did it but the bugger of it all is next week I may try to go again and I won't be able to it's so maddening as hell but who knows maybe I will be fine I just never know till I get in the car to go...