Hi this is not going to be very uplifting today, as I have said before I suffer with depression and today it has hit me hard, I'm at that point that you just want to sit and cry not for anything just cry, this is not a surprise for me it has been building for the last 4 days. To be honest I am fine with it not sure why but maybe I just need a good cry then I can get on with life again lol. I have a lot of stress building up in the last week as I have wrote about and I guess today it just was to much cause Dean came home from work and asked me what I was doing as I am standing in the kitchen looking in the freezer and I slam the top down and say looking for some fucking food!!!!! he says Hun I think it's a pizza day, thank god cause I am sure whatever I would have made would have gotten burnt cause I can't keep my head straight today. Today for the first time in about 2 months my head voice is back so what do I do I go and get a Dr Pepper ya just what I need to add to the crazy going on inside lol, I have only drank 5 sips and put it away for later if I drink any more I will have a hard time sleeping so I am hoping out of sight out of mind kind of thing. I have tremors and fast thoughts all day and as soon as I woke up I knew I hadn't even gotten out of bed and my mind was off like a rocket, in a way I am glad I ended up on the sad side instead of blasting off into a full panic. One thing I did do today is someone wanted my opinion on an idea for the co-op and I flat out said I was sorry but they will have to come back in a couple days because I have so much going on in my head I can't take on anything more, thankfully they understood and we will visit the idea in a few days again. It's even hard to sit here and write I am trying to think of what to say and in the back ground is my head voice trying to cut in, when I was very young I used to imagine a cloud flying past from the left to the right side of my head and at first it's no big deal but then it starts to speed up and soon before I even realize it's flying by so fast over and over faster and faster I can't tell what it is any more and I want it to stop but I can't turn my head away so I often would grab my head and yell out stop!!!! sometimes if I couldn't get ahead of it I would almost faint just shut down kind of like a reboot, now that I am older that doesn't happen so much because of the pills I take. I wish there was some way to judge just how much stress you have room for each day, wouldn't that be great the problem is from day to day it changes, one day I am stronger and can deal and then the next day just an ounce of stress and I am at the breaking point, but alas they haven't come up with a secret stress reader so just like so many I just do my best. It looks like a bit of sun is out so I am going to go for a walk put my tunes on and ignore the world for a bit, think I will take it easy and go with bare naked ladies, don't think my usual Ozzy will be good for me today lol....
P.S. I found a cure lol I went and rode the lawn mower for an hour and had a blast and the sun stayed out so much better now, I also went and walked for 15 min,so my ass is numb from the mower and my legs are sore from walking hahahahaha but I feel a bit better so all is good....
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