Great morning not so great afternoon

I woke up at 8:30 am and felt great, even though I didn't get all that much sleep I was awake and ready for the day so I got my tea made and sat and played my game for half an hour then I started my day, I was supposed to go  and visit some of our bunny's but I had a bit of the runs when I woke up and wasn't sure it would be a good idea to go in a car for a half hour drive if ya know what I mean lol, so I bowed out for this weekend and instead I started to do dishes and clean up the kitchen till Dean got home from work so I could run and grab the new battery for the ride on mower, I went and picked it up and put it on the mower then I had to try it out to make sure it would work lol, so I went and mowed just a small part of our entrance to the co-op and then parked it, I didn't want to do to much because everything is so dry already here because we haven't had irrigation water this year, side note it is getting fixed on Monday  waaaahhhoooo,  ohhh before I went out and mowed Dean wanted mcronchies for lunch so I grabbed him what he wanted and I just got a junior chicken burger no fries or drink didn't feel like it, when I got home we ate our lunch and then I headed out to the lawn mower, well I was half way back into the house and my tummy did the old flip out and I ran as fast as I could to the bathroom and thank god I made it, I don't even want to think if I was still mowing and it happened I would have shit my pants before getting home hahahahaha, so I spent about an hour back and forth from the toilet to my bed, had a nap and now I am trying to stay awake so I can sleep tonight spending this nice sunny day between the toilet and my bed, OMG I haven't had this happen when eating the chicken bun usually it is okay for me not sure if it was the food or to much sun or maybe I have a tummy flu but I would love to be outside in the shade and reading a book, or even sitting in my computer chair and play a game but NOOOOO  my ass hurts to much to sit down hahahahaha I know to much info. A friend of mine is stopping in to get his mail and maybe change our car tires and I feel bad cause I can't go visit, I would say help him but I mainly just talk while he works lol, left him a note and told hubby he will be coming in to grab his mail, not sure if he is going to do the tires I left it up to him to decide, I could go out between visits to the throne but if I do have a tummy flu I don't want to pass it on to him so I will stay away. I know I have said this before but I really do have the best of friends we do what we can for each other like I cut there hair and he changes my tires, I cut my other friends hair and he fixes my computer, now all I need is to find someone with a horse so I could go for a ride lol. I had a visit with my brother the other day he had some family stuff he wanted to talk about and he came to me, I have to say that I am so proud of the fact he comes to me to vent and talk about stuff and he even sometimes gives me good advise and sometimes I help him with something, family is a huge part of my life we all try to stay close to each other even if we are hours away from each other, it wasn't always like that it kind of started after my mom passed away, I think they all thought I wasn't going to recover from her death so keep an eye on me, I must say I have never even thought about taking my life because of losing mom, it's never even crossed my mind, I have been to that dark black pit a few times in my life but never over mom being gone oh sure I miss her with every part of my being but she is not in pain anymore and I can't help but feel happy for her to be at rest, there are sometimes when my depression is so bad I just don't want to be here anymore and I have come way to close to making that happen but so far I have had just enough strength to hold on for one more day, so many in my family and friends have lost there strength I don't consider myself stronger then them maybe a bit more stubborn maybe not even that for me and this is my own personal feelings I feel that when it is my time to leave this life I will know it's a personal choice no one can make me stay and no one can make me go it's all mine and that kind of gives me a sense of strength and power and to some point control, oh sure I could have an accident and die tomorrow I have no control about that it just happens but when it comes to ending it myself oh yes I have all the control there and I hang on I may hang on till I am old and die of old age that doesn't make me stronger it's just not my time. When I have good days I try and celebrate in some small way that I am enjoying life sometimes that is a chocolate bar, sometimes it's sushi, sometimes it's visiting with friends and even sometimes it's going for a laugh on the ride on mower, that's part of how I get past the bad days I know when it passes I will have a small celebration to look forward to and most of the time it's chocolate hahahahahaha.....