Honest I feel like crap

All I can say is I am not enjoying anything right now, I know it's only been a couple days since our cat passed away so I am not surprised that I am having a hard time, I am trying to pick up my mood but I am just so damn tired and sad I just can't. With being sick and not sleeping at all I am lucky if I get 3 hours straight sleep all night but mostly I get an hour here and then an hour in the tub and then our sweetness passes on and man I have hit the bottom so hard, I am trying to be very careful because I have noticed yesterday and today that I have been very manic and if I don't get that under control it will take me to a very dark place so extra vitamins eating lots of garlic and pushing through but I do at times feel I am fighting a losing battle and want to give up, I need to sleep and not from 8am till 3pm like I did the other day I did feel better when I got up but then I couldn't sleep last night again and after 2 hot baths I said to hell with it and took a double dose of my sleeping aids just to shut down for a bit. I have and never will be a morning person well an early morning person I feel best when I wake up at 8am and start my day but that's not happening when I can't fall asleep till 5am arrrrgggggg, it's so frustrating and then I get pissy and work myself up and that helps no one for sure. I miss T.T. so much I haven't been able to sleep in our bed much because she always came and snuggled with me before I fell asleep I wonder if that is part of why I can't shut my head off and fall asleep, she used to calm me and get me so relaxed by the time she left the bed I would be just slipping away but now I lay there and toss and turn and can't stop thinking well let's say it's more like obsessing about stupid things in my head it's enough to drive anyone nuts. So I fight I fight with my head I fight with my body I fight with my hubby just about anything I can fight with right now to keep the anger strong enough to motivate me to do something just anything just to feel not so afraid of my depression taking over but how much can a person take. I have stepped away from Co-op stuff for a couple months I just have such a negative attitude about so much I just don't care and that's not a good place to be in around others so I hide in my house as much as I can, I did have to go get some grocery's yesterday was the fastest trip I have ever had just wanted to go in and grab my stuff and get home away from people, thankfully I didn't run into anyone I knew or at least no one approached me probably my face kind of said to stay the hell away from me, made it home and thought hey I did it but still didn't feel a spark of happy but it will come I know I am just having a ruff patch, the only good thing about having a ruff patch is my house will get some extra care that it needs I managed to vacuum yesterday believe it or not that was a big deal for me, tomorrow is cages to clean it will take me longer then it should but I do look forward to spending some time with my bunny's and letting Jimmy out to fly around and do what he thinks is helping me instead of making things harder hahahahahahaha  so there ya see I can find something to smile at even if it lasts for just a few seconds it's something. T.T. will be our last cat and that makes me sad and happy and unsure that I have made the right choice I guess we will see in time how it goes, I had to clean her dishes and litter box and put things away, if I could train a cat to use the toilet I would maybe consider having another one it's the litter that kills me and I have tried every kind out there they all seem to bother me the same and not only that is the reason part is because of money we just cant afford it, I have help with paying for my bird and rabbit food so that helps a lot and it's not that I don't like having a cat I just feel that because our finances have gone down so much if we can't afford to put some money away for emergency vet visits then I just don't think we should take the chance, now that being said I am not perfect and my moods tend to swing from season to season so who knows all I know is for right now we will not have a cat. So my plan for tonight is I am taking a full sleeping pill my prescribed one not the drug store kind and setting my alarm if I can get about 3 nights in a row of sleep that will make a huge difference so that is the plan but we all know how plans tend to go for me, all I can do is try or I could get hubby to knock me out hahahahaha ya lets try the first plan I think that sounds better to me hahahahaha....