Wow I am still here lol

it's been a few days I know I have been fighting this cold so much I haven't been able to write or do anything, just making supper for us takes all my energy of the day then I have to lay down and rest for a bit but I must say I am feeling a bit better today, I managed to take the garbage out was a bit worried about the oh about 25 steps to the bin and then 25 back but I made it just had one cough attach that I had to stand and wait for my breath. I am fighting big time with sleep still and I think that is why I am not healing faster then I usually would, even a couple nights I took 2 of my melatonin pills and still the last 2 nights have been horrible tremors and groaning in my sleep so I know I am still fighting a fever at times but tonight I am going to have a hot bath right before bed and put my vic's on my feet and wrap them and climb into bed and damn it I am going to sleep lol. I need to sleep and it's not that I am having naps during the day I haven't been doing that at all I just am so exhausted at 7pm that I just go to bed and then I sleep till 9pm and then I am up till about 3am go to bed and sleep till 10am, so I am getting sleep but not resting because I can't stay asleep long enough to get proper rest, so I adjusted my meds again now I am taking 1 1/2 of my night time pills try that for a week and see how that goes but I think I may have to have my morning pills changed also, I wish I could just stay with my pills and not have to test the dose here and test it there, mostly it is spring and fall that I need to adjust them it's a pain in the ass but I will do it because I have no choice without the meds the voices come back and well a whole lot of hell breaks loose after that lol. When I was young I could get away with my mood swings but everyone knows me now so I don't get away with much anymore lol. I think I have a mouse in the damn house again, I just heard a squeak I hate it when they are upstairs oh well I will set some traps again. Our cat usually scares them to go down stairs but she is still fighting her infection so doesn't move all that well right now but her belly is healing finally, I started soaking her belly with peroxide on a rag every 3 days then I put this ointment I got and it is helping a lot thank god. I didn't think about trying that but I have been fighting a toothache and my friend told me to rinse my mouth with it and it will kill the pain and the infection and man does it work and fast and a bonus it is cleaning my teeth also lol. Here sit and it is just after 5pm but the time change it would be 6pm and I am already fighting sleep, just so frustrating as hell to want to sleep and have to fight to stay awake and then allow yourself to sleep and sleep if I am lucky 3 hours, I am glad wed is in a few days maybe I can go see my doc again, she only works wed and thursdays so kind of hard sometimes to see her but I adore the woman so much and she is the first doctor who understands and wants to help me and who also doesn't blame everything on my size. My diet has not been good also for the last 4 months I haven't had the foods I should be eating but we just can't afford anything right now so I am sure my diverticulitis is working over drive right now and actually I know it is cause I am having trouble again but what can you do not much right now. I am not the only one who struggles and I know that and I try to keep my moods up as much as I can but when I have a set back like my health or moods or a fight with hubby it knocks me on my ass and really I don't know what else to do. Hubby want's me to get a job and help with money and I totally understand what he is saying but I am scared all the time because I don't know if I will ever be able to work, he said something to me just the other day and I realized from what he said that he has no idea what I am going through and I am not sure he ever will because he still hasn't read my book I wrote about my life and I think that would explain a lot to him, but I also don't want to stay like this afraid to do anything plus it doesn't help that my disability doesn't give us any money because they say we make to much, they do pay for my pills and hubby's pills but you know your stuck because you need money am terrified to work might cause a separation because of stress and then the fact that I am sick and tired of saying I am sorry because of who I am, I mean how many times does a person have to say it till they have said it enough, so there you have it around and around I go, I have no idea what will happen and that scares me the most but like so many have said to me, not my hubby but others just throw these words off there lips and tell me to get over it, like because they have said it to me it has been validated and I will from that second on be all better and life will be perfect, ya right, you know I think that is what pisses me off the most and maybe that is a good thing because that means I am not comfortable with living like this the rest of my life, I think the day it doesn't piss me off will be a very dark day because then I will give up but until then I fight and I stress and go through all this emotional crap over and over till I get it right, and I sure wish I would get to that point sooner then later....