OMG not ready yet

Well tomorrow is a day I just want to sleep past and say it didn't happen lol, tomorrow I turn 50 and as much as I am afraid of that number I also sit here in wonder that I have made it to this age, I didn't plan on being here well I didn't plan on anything really I just did day by day and struggled  to make it through all this crap in my life, with all my health issues and depression anxiety I figured I wouldn't be here to greet this big number but here I am and I have to say it's scary as hell lol, it's just a number your just as old as you feel hahahahaha right well today I feel like I am stepping up to the top of a big hill and all that is left is the walk down the other side and I am not sure if I am ready, I have never put much stock  in birthdays just another day for me but as the time is ticking away I have suddenly become aware of the big number 50, does everyone go through this I wonder, is it right that all I can think about is I still have so much I want to do in my life and I wonder if I will make it to my goals, I know sounds silly but when I take into the fact of how a lot of my family have not lived very far past there 50's because of depression I wonder what is in store for me, don't get me wrong I am not giving up just the unknown is a bit terrifying for me, I'm not sitting here thinking well I give up guess that is it time to melt away, it's just the older I get the harder it is for me to deal with surprises, sometimes I would really like to have a crystal ball so I can see ahead and not be stressed out about what is to come, I am not sure that if I did have one that I would change anything that was to come but just would like a heads up to prepare hahahaha now wouldn't that be great. Everyone keeps asking me what I have planned for my birthday and well besides the fact we have no money to do anything I really don't want to do anything maybe if I forget about it it won't come and I can be 49 for a few more years hahahahaha. I guess if I could have one wish for this day is I would really like my mom to be here to sing me a song and laugh, maybe have a drink and get silly which for me would be about 3 sips of a drink and I would be there lol. I am tired didn't sleep last night had bad dreams and legs were kicking like crazy guess even my body is not ready lol oh well weather I like it or not it's going to come and maybe tomorrow I will feel different who knows, life is like that first you think things are whirling out of control and then bam it passes and then you look back and wonder what the hell was I thinking this is just fine lol, who need a roller coaster all you need is to live in my head for a day it's about all the excitement anyone can handle hahahahahaha.