Depression anxiety panic social fobia's

Wow that's a loaded title for sure, I am happy to say that for the most part so far this year I have been feeling rather good. I have managed to go to some stores and I even visited with some great friends in the last couple months. Is it weird that I do feel like most time I am standing on a fence and not sure what side to jump off to, I am sure a lot of this will settle down as the sun comes out and I am back working in my gardens and yard, but I still feel that anxious panic feeling that something is knocking at the back door and I am to scared to have look and see what or who it is. Sometimes it is exhausting to be me, if I have a day that goes really well get lot's done there is always that feeling of what did I forget and what will someone be mad at me for missing. Most times when this happens it is my hubby because I have been working in the yard and forgot to come in a cook supper for him, and even though he has sat on his ass infront of his Xbox and could get up and fix it himself he has the mindset that because I haven't been able to work it's my job to feed him, and I guess he is right about that but somedays I feel so accomplished with the yard work and just once I would love it if he would come outside and say wow what a great job but alas he comes out and says you better not do to much cause you still have dinner to make hahahahaha, I can laugh right now but at that moment I consider what my life would be without him and so far being with him wins but he better be careful I tell ya lol. Sometimes I forget how my life affects him, it's not that I feel like his life would be better without me, I actually feel selfish sometimes because I get wound up in my world and ignore the rest of the world because I am to afraid to face it. Is that wrong? I don't know, I have been taking some courses in the last couple years to help me figure out who I am, every course  tells me I have the right to put myself first and just concentrate on fixing my life, just work on me but man it's hard, with just one income we well we struggle to pay bills and food, not that we struggle more than anyone else but it's so frustrating to want to better yourself and get the help to be a stronger person and function in this world and then to have no support to do it all. Don't get me wrong I am beyond grateful for the medical help both myself and hubby receive, we couldn't get the help we do already get without it but do we have to beg for scraps and god forbid we have to go to the food bank and face the people there to beg for food, and we do not a lot maybe 4 times a year and if it wasn't for the fact that I always donate something when I have the extra, I wouldn't be able to accept the help when we have to get it, and the people there are ever so nice to me so it's not that I guess it's just the act of admitting we need the help now and then, and why? why do some of us have to have these feelings that we don't deserve help, do I sit on my ass and wait for the help to be handed to me? no I don't, I may not be able to do a lot of things but what I am capable of doing I give freely to who needs it, a free haircut, help cleaning their house or taking care of neglected animals or just being a shoulder for someone who needs to vent. this world is so scary to me and overpowering sometimes and all I want to do is run and hide but I for sure know there is always room for someone who needs to go hide with me even just for a day....