Thoughts

A friend of mine got me thinking about some stuff that makes us both feel angry about, we both live with our own troubles just like others do and we try to put up with ignorance about depression and anxiety etc, and people with there judgement on us but some days it's just so hard, I don't think these people consider the guilt that some feel for not being I quote Normal, I for one don't need to hear I am faking or taking advantage just because you can't see my disability when you look at me, sometimes when someone asks me how are you I want to say, does it matter, I try to put on my happy face all the time because I feel less of a person to say well today I am not good, many people I would imagine after knowing someone for a while you know that you have to put on a happy face when they ask you because you just don't want to see in the their face that they couldn't care less if you are having a bad day, and if I hear one more person tell me to buck up and get over it I think I will explode I mean I always want to say to them hey let me break your leg and then tell you to buck up and just walk. It's terrible to think that it would be better if my depression would show so I would have an excuse for not having a good day. Depression to me is like an elevator, you wake up in the morning and never know what floor the door will open to, so you lay there for a few min just to get yourself ready to face the day and pray ever so hard that the door doesn't open at the basement, it would be great if when you wake up you could push the button to get to the floor you want but that just doesn't happen, oh sure you can sometimes have enough power to push yourself towards a better floor but some days you can't even get off the elevator let alone a new floor. I don't think anyone who has not been in my world could ever understand just how hard I have to work some day's to just make it through, just getting out of bed sometimes is all I can do and if I can shower and get dressed I have to praise myself for accomplishing only just that. People who live with depression, anxiety or panic attacks don't wake up one day and say out loud oh what I would give to have this in my life, so please keep your judgement tucked away at least until I leave the room because as much as you think you are judging me you can be assured that I am judging myself  far worse then you could ever know.